Relationship level up with attachment theory: how to learn secure attachment style?

frustratedmarxistfem · 2020-12-04T08:04:36+00:00

That's a common misconception with therapy. You dont have to need therapy in the sense that something should be truly wrong, therapy would actually be the perfect place to examine your love style and work on developing secure attachment. Lots of people keep therapists their whole lives even when nothing is particularly wrong and they're especially beneficial(in my opinion) to people who've struggled with relationships.

I have anxious attachment with boyfriends and avoidant behavior with everyone else so examining that was definitely needed. You have to learn the root cause of things in yourself to truly grow past them.

Mind-Objective · 2020-12-04T10:52:58+00:00

Just want to point out you might exhibit anxious attachment behaviors if you are paired with someone who’s more avoidant than you. I see it as a sliding scale. General advice: Be vocal about when you need large emotional distance. Those who care about you will understand, those who don’t well they’re not worth your time.

Initiating a conversation, sharing your emotions or personal thoughts in small doses. You might feel vulnerable at the beginning but it’s okay. Give yourself permission to retract bit even if you are overwhelmed. This is new territory you’re heading into.

And nothing wrong with having a social mask - it is there to protect you. Best of luck on your journey.

chasingastarl1ght · 2020-12-04T14:13:24+00:00

Just wanna say, i always thought I had pretty bad attachment style too. Yes I did some work with a therapist and all but... Dating someone with a secure style definitely helps. It's a chicken and the egg situation. We need secure style of attachment to learn from them...

Samvanderkamp123 · 2020-12-04T14:50:11+00:00

I’m the same. I could have written this post.

I would start by finding some good women friends. These are the people who will have your back. Build up some strong, trusting friendships first.

EclecticBarbarella · 2020-12-04T18:22:39+00:00

In my experience I’ve been anxious/avoidant because the person wasn’t trustworthy and I ended up being right about it not being smart to relax and be more emotionally open. We often pick up in unconscious cues. Honestly, in my experience most people aren’t worth dropping the guard down for. The one guy I dated who had a very secure attachment style, it wasn’t an issue at all, I was able to relax and start to open up in what I would consider a normal timeline. It didn’t work out for other reasons, but he didn’t end up being avoidant or dysfunctional at all so I wasn’t triggered, if that makes sense

kiki_do_u_luv_me · 2020-12-04T18:41:40+00:00

I don’t know if I’m an anomaly or what, but with friendships and family relationships, I am pretty avoidant. When it comes to romantic relationships, however, I am preoccupied to the extent that it actually can drive me crazy. I sort of mask as an avoidant in these relationships though because my impulse to cling and pursue is not conducive to FDS guidelines.

I went to therapy for my attachment style last year actually. I don’t feel as though it helped much, but at least it was eye-opening in terms of helping me identify my toxic habitual thoughts and fears of abandonment.

I’m not suggesting you don’t attempt therapy. But I think that the best way to build a secure attachment style is through corrective experiences with people you wish to trust. For me, I want to be secure (still cautious of course) in my current relationship with who I believe could be the real deal. My approach is as follows: 1. My boyfriend exhibits what I would deem a corrective experience (for example, my ex would never post me on social media and acted like I was stupid for wanting that. my current boyfriend has no issue making us public on socials and has expressed that when I’m ready for him to post he will do so without hesitation)...2. I actually have a list of data points in my phone notes about these experiences, and when I am feeling anxious and insecure, I review them to remind myself that I don’t have any real reason to be at this point...3. Wash, rinse, repeat tbh. It is going to take time!

Just be gentle with yourself and be patient. I think being avoidant can almost be a good thing, just remember to recognize the reasons that you can or should trust certain individuals, rather than looking at why you maybe can’t or shouldn’t. I hope this helped a little ? Have a good day

level_up_always · 2020-12-04T19:38:51+00:00

therapy isn't necessary (saying this as someone who has done a lot of it) scientifically the best way to learn secure attachment is to be with someone who has that attachment style (easier said than done i know but it's the truth). it calms the nervous system. the best skill is to be able to learn to tolerate the avoidance feelings that come up with emotional intimacy. that is where things like /r/dbtselfhelp can come in handy so when those moments come up you can get through them. i wouldn't waste money on talk therapy again if i had to do it over it was just mulling around the past it didn't give me the skills i needed i would do cbt again tho because that is more useful in the real world not mental masturbation.

Title	Relationship level up with attachment theory: how to learn secure attachment style?
Author	Conturas
Upvotes	81
Comments	8
Date	December 4, 2020 7:36 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/k6gehe/relationship_level_up_with_attachment_theory_how/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/relationship-level-up-with-attachment-theory-how.638156 https://theredarchive.com/post/638156

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