TW

I am a victim of nonconcensual pornography and I am seeking advice and support to help me navigate what to do about it. Mods, if this post is better suited for AskFDS or another female-centered sub, please let me know. There are many wise and well-versed women from all walks of life on FDS, ya’ll gave me some really solid info when I posted here as a Rescue Mission last year, which is why I am posting here again.

Background: right as the pandemic hit, I experienced a devastating and life changing domino effect of events. I left an extremely abusive relationship, dropped out of college, suffered through a re-traumatizing investigation that resulted in my abuser being courtmartialed and sentenced to a year for unrelated drug charges, and lastly, I was diagnosed with PTSD. Since, I have been in therapy, returned to school to finish my degree, and have made great strides to overcome this trauma.

Now, with my abuser’s clemency and parole hearing right around the corner, it has reignited a fire in me to seek proper justice. Stupidly, not knowing better at the time, I would share nudes and allow my abuser to film us while having sex. However, many of these videos were taken while I was drunk or high. In the state of California, legally speaking, I could not consent to sex, nor could I consent to being filmed. What he did was illegal and it is still something I struggle to name for what it is (r*pe).

I have kept his confession of distributing these videos without my consent still almost two years later, living every day of my life in a constant tug of war between deleting these scant scraps of evidence of his crime and keeping them for a possible legal case. I have so many screenshots and screen recordings just sitting in my camera roll re-triggering me, and it has made me a slave to him still, even now that I’m safe. I cannot afford an attorney unless they operate on a contingency fee or are pro bono, and money aside, I fear pursuing charges could set me very far back in my healing, knowing how victims often get treated by the court system. Just the idea of going to a police station and filing a report fills me with fear. The investigation I went through with the military was so traumatic and all my abuser got was drug charges, nothing else. I don’t know if I can handle putting my neck out again for it to be for nothing. I just want to know if I have a good chance. My friend is a baby lawyer who keeps reassuring me that I do, both in a criminal case and a civil suit, but she works in an entirely different sector and I’d like to hear from other women that have worked in/with the justice system or who have been victims themselves. How do these cases tend to pan out? Has too much time passed? Am I too late to pursue this? If you have also been a victim, did you go to the police? Was there an investigation? Did you go to court? Did you win? I feel very alone. I have tried to forget, to move on, but I still have to live with the fact that I don’t know who or how many people have seen me in my most vulnerable moments. I don’t even know if these videos were posted anywhere. It is absolute agony, especially considering I’d never so much as taken a naked picture of myself before meeting my abuser.

Thank you to any who have read this far.