This post is for all the pickmeishas and those of us who are struggling/working on creating and maintaining our boundaries. I'm going to attempt to draw a parallel between registering actual threats in the environment as programmed in our DNA to pre-emptively recognising those threats in conversations/dating.

Do you ever feel afraid or ever so slightly agitated at night or when it starts getting dark? Do you become highly aware during those times, especially as you round a dark corner or if the bush next to you moves ( sometimes that's just a raccoon, but that's equal cause for alarm)?

The reason we feel afraid or on guard is that there is thousands of years of evolutionary biology and psychology at play here. Our ancestors in the stone age did not have access to a lot of light, and hence were always on the lookout for dangers from predators like sabre toothed tigers and other animals to themselves and their community. How does this relate to modern day dating?

Imagine that you're speaking to someone in OLD and they say something that makes you feel weird/off/anxious/sad/alarmed etc. Now, that is a signal from our unconscious mind that there is some threat in the environment and we need to protect ourselves. If we had not been brainwashed by media and our pickmeisha mothers from a very young age to be nice to everyone; these signal would have been very strong and would have probably made you want to run in the opposite direction.

There is a lot of data in our DNA thanks to our ancestors to keep us safe from obvious threats to life such as ----

  1. Fear of heights --- Since there were no medical facilities back then, a fall from a big height was fatal.
  2. Fear of darkness
  3. Fear of large animals etc

In order to create long lasting, effective boundaries; we need to add to this data and start forming neural pathways which will ensure that when we encounter--

  1. Negging - It is a form of psychological harm and control to make you compete for someone's attention, by logical deduction stating that we are not enough or lacking in some way; and that we are easy prey for someone else. Sabre tooth tiger alert!🐆🐆 Run!!!
  2. Lack of empathy - Form of psychological abuse to negate someone else's emotions and/or overpower someone else's emotional state to fit to their agenda of remaining in power. Big woolly mammoth ahead!🐘🐘 Run!
  3. Gaslighting - Negating someone's reality and making them doubt their own perceptions and making them feel like they're crazy. The water is not clear and safe, I see you Mr. Crocodile! 🐊🐊 I don't think I'll go for a swim today.

We run. Or we recognise them as a threat and manage them accordingly ( for those of you in coercive controlled relationships with actual threats to safety ). Essentially, we are creating new instincts which tell us that when the above are encountered early in dating, it is a sign of trouble ahead. When our ancestors saw the bushes move in the night, they didn't stick around to confirm if there was something wrong, or negotiate with it, or pray that if they took it to therapy, it would stop moving. 🍃🍃 They became alert and steered clear! So why do we insist on giving second chances to these vampires and crocodiles?

Now obviously, the above recognition and identification is the product of conditioning and forming neural pathways that go like :

Negging detected --> Accessing previous data --> Last LVM date/boyfriend/parent/friend was bad and was threat to mental/psychological/physical health --> Locate block and delete --> Bye Felicia.

With enough practice and developing knowledge bases about psychological abuse, NPD, ASPD etc, the above will be done in microseconds, and the moment you encounter a LVM trait, your mind will will disengage with that person and automatically shift your attention from them.

Moral of the story -- Your instincts exist for a reason. Stop ignoring them for the sake of being liked like roses 🌹; become a cactus 🌵 instead when someone tries to breach boundaries. Class dismissed!

Part 2 : How romanticising the NPD and ASPD have resulted in weaker boundaries and how to fix this. Coming soon!