I recently came to understand that my first sexual experience was actually rape. That begging, manipulating, and coercing me into sex for three hours (until 1am! I usually go to bed at 10pm!) does not consensual sex make. I realized this two weeks ago.

Honestly, I wasn't going to try to do anything via the legal system at first. I doubted anything would come of it, as it happened two years ago and there is no physical evidence that I'm aware of. Until, that is, I talked to my boss, a lawyer, who used to specialize in criminal defense for sexual assault cases. Today, I called no less than three different numbers, and I gave my story to every one of them. That alone took almost more courage than I have.

My point is not to say "hey, look at me, I'm awesome for helping justice." My point is to highlight all the things that have gone through my head today that show exactly how pervasive the gaslighting we go through is.

I've always been the kind of person to say that rape is never the victim's fault. She wasn't ever asking for it, or dressed for it, or whatever. And yet, sitting there, trying to nail down the date it actually occurred, actually looking at digital evidence of my pickme self, I worried that a jury might think I was asking for it. That a prosecutor might take what I said as proof that I wanted to have sex that night, no matter what I myself said about it. That my uncomfortable attempts at banter were leading him on. That by not fighting tooth and nail to keep him from taking advantage of me, I was giving him permission.

And I keep asking myself: where does this idea come from? Is it from the stories we tell ourselves? The fear instilled in us from the time we're born? The malignant hatred of those society deems lesser?

And I realize that it all comes from gaslighting. All those comments on reddit posts saying a rape victim deserved it is a form of gaslighting, even if those comments are downvoted. Every article about a rapist not getting the time he deserves. Every "joke" about women being subservient, unequal, only good for sex. We're constantly being gaslit, especially if we're the victim.

I have to keep reminding myself that I am the victim here. It's not my responsibility to carry out justice against the man who hurt me. It's my responsibility to keep growing, keep leveling up, and find the beauty in the ashes of who I once was.