I read a post this morning asking for book recommendations breaking down the mind of an incel.

On the one hand I definitely understand the urge to understand and even, perhaps, help someone in those communities. You might even see danger signs in your own children and want to know if there's something you can do to prevent "it" from escalating.

While trying to understand is a pointless and potentially dangerous pursuit, I think I have some insights that might prove useful or enlightening for anyone who is vaguely interested. These are just shower thoughts. Everything here is based on self-reported problems from numerous people who fall into the incel camps - around 18 individuals.

(Quick disclaimer: I am not a medical professional, nor a mental health professional. As such my views are completely layman's understandings of aberrant views in society. If I WAS a mental health professional, then expressing myself like this would be highly unethical and problematic. I am in no way diagnosing any problems and these are all entirely self-reported.)

​

- - - - - -

​

First of all, we need to define some terms so we understand what we're talking about. Incel is a portmanteau of the words involuntarily celibate. That is all it is: A person who wants to have sex, but can't for whatever reason. This word has stretched in internet parlance to become "man who is angry and misogynistic towards women". When I talk about incels I do not mean the misogynist contingent necessarily. There are potentially some incels who are not violently misogynistic. Just to be clear though: the misogyny runs deep, and it is the height of naivete to assume any of them are "safe".

What creates an incel?

Typically, incels have a certain variety of what I would call personality defining disorders.

They are typically afflicted with covert narcissism. They feel entitled to a woman on the basis that they themselves are amazing and do not understand why a woman would not give them attention. They demand attention from others, hence their constant posts on reddit (or facebook, or wherever they might be). They are necessarily passive in the way they seek out attention from women as well. Most* seem to have a proclivity for going on Bumble - Bumble, being ladies choice. They want to be chosen, by women. Passively. They do not want to put in the effort and pursue women. As narcissists they cannot stand rejection under any circumstances. They will take the absence of likes on their profile as an offense. They will take the lack of attention from women, as an offense. If they have a crush on you and then you go out with another man? You offended them personally. They also feel better - stronger, morally superior - than the other males. "Why would you choose that chad when I am here - more refined, kinder, more of a gentleman?" They also like to make themselves the victim in their friendships and desire attention and constant reassurance.

They typically have some degree of obsessive compulsive disorder as well. The way that this manifests is in the rumination component of the disorder. They feel compelled to ruminate and think about their virginity and they do so enough for it to be a near disability. This is probably the most easily treated aspects of inceldom and sadly, most do not seek help for it because: narcissist. They do not want to admit that they are virgins and thus do not want to admit that they ruminate on their virginity, which compounds the problem.

Nearly all have a great amount of depression. Their depression is (to them) caused only by their virginity status, but it is clear talking to them that they are depressed regardless. Depression and self-destructive and violent thoughts are exacerbated by the rumination OCD behaviors. Most are suicidal or fatalistic.

Some have a form of body dysmorphia. As narcissists, they are HEAVILY invested in looks. They talk incessantly about how ugly they are, how to looksmax, that they hate their "looksmatch", how they are disgustingly short or pimply or fat. Even if they share a picture and, to us, they look "normal" they do not see the same thing we do. Beyond that, they think that looking "normal" is the same as being a sea slug (not my words). Their narcissism and self loathing come out again in their misogynistic rants about how they hate the only women they can "pull" are fat or plain.

I've found some degree of self-reported autism spectrum members. I don't feel comfortable talking about autism or making any inferences from this, other than: some say they're autistic.

There seem to be various environmental factors that contribute to their incel status as well. Most report harsh bullying in school. Most report a bad relationship with their mother, and an absent father. They tend to have excessively hateful thoughts towards their mother and their father - while "there" - is an emotionally absent figure. The detachment from parents could be a contributing factor.

The main problem I have run into with my discussions with incels is that they are almost compulsive liars as well. As an example: were they actually bullied in school? Well - to a narcissist, what is bullying? Not being talked to by the prettiest girl in class? Being pushed into a locker? Not getting asked to a Sadie Hawkins dance? Someone actively calling you names? It is difficult to know what they mean by bullying; it is difficult to know what they mean by anything, at all, that they self report.

- - - - -

I am not quite sure how to end this, other than be careful out there, and be aware. Overall these are men who are desperately hurting and want to hurt others back.