I'm sure many of us have come across 'Scrodinger's douchebag' at least once in our lives. These are the types to spout some vile, usually bigoted joke and then backpedal when confronted on their shitty behavior; "It's just a joke!", "You're overreacting", "You need to lighten up", etc. You know the drill. I was inspired by this lovely post to finally put these BS excuses to rest.

The Science

We're going to focus in on a particular type of humor here, called 'disparagement humor', which is a type of humor that mocks or degrades marginalized social groups such as women or the disabled. Even though this is the focus, remember that this applies to other forms of humor as well, such as a guy you've been dating for 7 years 'joking' about not wanting to marry you.

So what does the science have to say about disparagement humor? A lot, and none of it's pretty.

There's too much to talk about but the short of it is this: Disparagement humor acts as an amplifier of sorts, with those who have existing biases being encouraged by disparaging jokes to discriminate.

Let's talk about misogyny specifically, since that's something we all can relate to. One study found that of sexist men exposed to sexist vs neutral jokes, those exposed to sexist jokes were more tolerant of gender harassment in workplace. Another study found that of sexist men exposed to sexist vs neutral comedy skits, those exposed to sexist skits were more likely to cut funding from a hypothetical women's organization. And the most damning of all? This study, which showed that sexist men exposed to sexist jokes expressed a higher willingness to RAPE A WOMAN. Yep. You read that right.

Why is this the case? Because those who hold bigoted views are often afraid to fully express them for fear of the social consequences. But disparaging jokes stretch the boundary of what is considered socially acceptable to include bigoted thoughts under the guise of a joke, and thus bigots feel emboldened to express their very real, very unfunny, bigotry.

This fits in perfectly with what I and many others have theorized: That the purpose of men who tell jokes like this isn't to get a laugh, but to test your boundaries. Many men will express their real thoughts while hiding behind the humor defense in order to suss out how you'll react whilst still having plausible deniability (It's "just a joke", after all). It's imperative that you know the truth and how to deal with these men.

What to do

So what should you do if your partner tells a joke you find distasteful? Some people say to act as if you don't understand to force him to explain it. Others say not to laugh. Some other people say to confront them directly about it. All of these methods (and more!) are valid, because the gist of them is the same: They make it clear that his behavior is unacceptable and that he won't be getting the reaction he seeks.

And if it becomes a recurring issue, you simply dump him because no HVM will continually subject their loved one to something that makes them uncomfortable.