Quick FR about frame.

Had some drama at the start of the weekend. A person outside the family was stirring up trouble. Without giving too many details, it was a conflict that couldn't be avoided, but escalated beyond what it should have. After dealing with it I thought it was done and over with, only to get and email from "troublemaker" that was nasty, flaming and blaming. I received the email while my wife was out of the house and was pretty riled up. Because I know how "troublemaker" gets to my wife, I debated even showing it to her and respond to the email without saying anything. Instead, I dealt with my frustration by leaning on my new found stoic principles. I chose to let go of the ego and rage. In the past I wouldn't want to share the email with my wife, because I know she'd get upset and we'd have a huge discussion and possibly an argument about "troublemaker" that would last hours if not days. There is still some of that lingering, buts since finding MRP I have learned that avoiding something, because I’m worried about how my wife will react to a given situation means I am living in her frame. I've also learned how to bring her into my frame. Most of the time she lives there now, but things like this weekend's drama can knock her out. Here is how I brought her back in:

I told her about the email and she immediately starts shouting. I put my hands on her arms, looked her in the eyes and said, "Baby, it's ok” I said it slowly and softly. I then let her emote about it for a minute or two then said “Here is how I'm going to handle it” I laid out the plan of attack, then asked if she had any other thoughts. She says no and we move on. Again, I said all of this slowly and calmly. 15 min go by and she starts shouting again about injustices and what not. I just go up and hug her, smile very big in her face and say “I feel really good. Our earlier sexy times just made my day.” She smiles, I walk away. I have to drive her to an appointment that evening and she starts talking about it again (no more shouting). I just listen. When we get to her appointment I tell her if she’s starts getting upset, remember our sexy times, and there’s more where that came from.” She smiles and walks away. The rest of the weekend went swimmingly, and the topic hasn’t come up since.

I've had to deal things like this in the past and have wasted a lot of time in her frame. We'd talk about the situation and we’d go back and forth for what seems like forever, always feeding the drama. As I said before, I've tried the avoidance method and leaving her out, only to have it blow up in my face when she learns she was left out.

Now, I just chose how I am going to handle a situation and invite her to join in. At the end of the day, what transpired doesn’t amount to a hill of beans and I’ve got better things to worry about. That’s how I present my frame to her and she jumped on board much faster than I’ve ever seen. To be perfectly honest...this doesn't always work, at least not right away, but the stress of me having to deal with her meltdown is no longer a factor. I do me, and move on. Eventually she comes back, this time just happened to work out exceptionally well, so I thought I'd share.

In summary: Focus on working on who you are. Why you matter. What your life is about. What is important to you. That is your frame. Live there. Others are welcome to stop by and visit, or even live there, but make sure you're not lured out by circumstance or emotion. I find I am much happier and content in my frame than in someone else’s.