I've been beta for as long as I can remember.

I'm overweight - 6'1 260 (lost 20 pounds in the past month and a half though.)

I'm extremely needy and seek validation for everything I do.

I have anger and resentment issues towards almost everyone.

I've been in my LTR for 4 years. Things started off great. She moved in after about 5 months of dating, and essentially took control of everything. Money was no longer mine to spend how I wanted it. It was up to her what food we would have, because if I cooked, it would be horrible. Sex was on her schedule. I started feeling tied down and like I couldn't escape. I didn't hang out with my friends anymore.

I became depressed, resentful and closed off to everything. I didn't feel happiness or sadness anymore, I felt nothing.

She became pregnant, and what was supposed to be one of the happiest times of my life is all a blur to me. We didn't have sex for about a year and a half after she got pregnant. I started to wonder if she didn't just want me to get her pregnant. I accused her of it, of it not being mine, of every shitty thing I could say to her. But when things would go bad, I would beg her to stay.

About a year ago, I took a job working from home. Thats when things got really bad. I missed social interaction with coworkers. I felt like I never left the house. I sat around at the computer for work, and when I'd get off work, I'd sit around at the computer some more. I played video games, mostly. I ignored her, ignored our son and her daughter from a previous relationship. I ignored life. I gained weight, all the way up to 325 at one point.

To be honest, I don't remember much of the past year.

Everything hit the fan about 2 months ago. I found out she was texting with her ex. I read the messages. The jist of it was that he was trying to get her to cheat on me. She wasn't actively saying no, but she wasn't trying to stop it either. I felt betrayed, this woman that I'd given up my friends, my independence, my life for had been sneaking around behind my back with someone that she told me that she hated.

The few days after I found out were all victim puke. I wanted her to apologize to me for hurting me, to tell me that she still gave a shit about me. I accused her once again of using me. The entire time, she was the one that held frame. She told me that she's felt ignored for a while and he showed her some attention and she went with it without planning on actually doing anything.

She told me she was moving out. I asked her to stay and work it out with me. I told her I could change. I started doing google searches for fixing relationships. I found a bunch of therapy sites. I found a bunch of crap that essentially said that "show her you love her by doing things for her and letting her walk all over you."

Shortly later, I found this subreddit. I was intrigued. I started reading through the top posts, just soaking up information. Everything resonated - all of my previous failed relationships were explained. When I was 25, I dated a 19 year old. Things went awesomely at first - great sex, lots of fun, I was at least somewhat alpha. Then I started becoming beta when I was worried that she still had feelings for her ex. Full on beta mode when she tried to break up with me.

Before that, I had a 6 year long LTR with a girl I started dating in high school. I was beta through the whole relationship. We rarely had sex, I had no drive in life, and we ended up breaking up because she saw me going nowhere in life. The next guy she dated was a high school drop out drug dealer alpha, and she became his sex kitten overnight. This The Red Pill has helped me understand why.

So, for the past month or so, I've been reading. I read through NMMNG, WISNIFG, MMSLP, and SGM. Most of those were quick readthroughs, and so I'm going back and reading them in detail. My issue is incorporating them into life. Most of my communication seems to be knee jerk reactionary, and eventually ends up in victim puke or the same old stupid shit. There has been a couple of times when I was handed a shit test and responded appropriately, and she seemed pleased with it.

I've also been exercising. I haven't gone out and started lifting full on yet, because we actually just moved. I've been working on losing the weight by cutting back on my food intake and C25k, I've been doing 3-5 sets of 10 pushups a day, which is an achievement for me because I haven't worked out in years.

I've been attempting to give affection when she does things I like, and take affection away when she does things I don't like. That actually has worked, because yesterday she got mad at me for something stupid and I just walked away. She came to me a few minutes later and actually apologized - something that hasn't happened in years. While we were moving, I was focused on getting shit done, taking command, not letting her take breaks whenever she wanted to. She responded by flirting with me, showing me affection, etc. No sex, but we were both exhausted after the move.

I can see things are getting better, but I need someone to be able to talk to about shit when it gets to me, otherwise I just spill it out onto her and it causes issues. I don't want this to be just about me and her though, because I need to take control of my life in so many other areas - health, work, kids, friends, and personal happiness. This will be a long road for me.

Current roadmap is to finish re-reading NMMNG. Visit a gym and get a membership. Go to the dentist, because I haven't done that in about 10 years and my teeth are screwed up. Finish C25k before winter hits. Drop down to 200 pounds by January. Stop thinking about doing what will make her happy and start doing what will make me happy.

If all else fails on the relationship front, I am going to do this for myself. Because fuck that guy who I was.