Bottom Line Up Front

1 month in and seeing drastic results. I have a lot of work to do but feel motivated to drive through it.

Background

  • Myself: 46M 208lbs 6'0", just started as a sales exec at a large cloud software company. Married 20 years. 3 kids: 16, 14, 4 (long story on the 3rd).

  • Wife: 46F, Maybe 145lb, blonde, can be fun, known by our friends to be judgmental sometimes, has caused relationship issues with our friends. She does not work, I am the sole bread winner.

  • Sex Life: Had become numb to the gradual decline in sex over the years and was just living with it. Once a week maybe, mostly duty sex. Sometimes would see or hear her chuff, as if to say "can you just finish". A few times over the years I had confronted her on her outward dislike of our intimate times. She was receptive and tried to change but it would gradually return.

  • Marriage: Outside of sex, everything seems to be normal. We enjoy each others company. When I confront her she usually tries to submit. I would not put our marriage in the "red" status. I would say greenish-yellow due to the sex part. I think she would put it at bright green.

    Having found this subreddit and read through the side bar (still working through WISNIFG) I realized I had become very beta and I had caused all of the issues in my marriage I did not like (primarily sex life). Deferring to her, not taking charge on things, etc.

Progress

  • My first day was a Saturday. I started with trying to make myself busy, work on things around the house. It because quickly obvious that I had ignored a lot of issues: towel hangers needing to be re- attached, ceiling fans not working, etc. I spent the day on a mission to fix these things and reframe my mind to be more alpha. In the end I think I displayed a little anger on my face but remained silent.

  • During the first week I tried to consciously make decisions for the family when they came up. I found at first that I would make snap decisions without some information she had. When she tried to give me the information I would snap at her. This was not the way to handle it and I've corrected it. It will be something I need to work on weekly in the OYS section. More stoic, less temper.

  • Lifting/Diet - 1 month into lifting and got a minor back injury. Gotta let it heal for a week or so. Diet going well, lost 5 lbs so far. Need to get to 185 or so.

  • I started initiating sex. I had somehow fallen into waiting for her to initiate as my standard operating procedure. WTF. I think it started years ago when I would try to read her mood...sometimes she seemed "available" and sometimes they seemed "busy and irritated". Waiting for the right mood gradually fell back into waiting for her to initiate, which would be about once a week or if I was leaving on a business trip. Interestingly, half the time she initiated it was still duty sex.

    So, when I felt the need arise, I would prompt her. The first night we were in bed and I reached over to give her a back rub. I got on top of her and rubbed out some knots. I lifted her shirt and mixed in a few light touches, kept working on knots. Then I pulled her shorts down and saw she was breathing heavy. Enthusiastic sex followed.

    Every couple of days I would initiate and she was receptive each time -- she eventually asked to wait until the morning once. Once. So, by simply following the advice of NMMNG, and taking responsibility for my own needs, I have seen a huge improvement: 3-4 times a week sex.

    I still get the occasional lack-of-enthusiasm from her. I put this on me: lifting, diet, getting better. Gotta give this time.

  • Other things: I've noticed at work and with her family that I am becoming more assertive. As I've seen results from owning my own needs, I am more comfortable asking for what I want, even if I think they may turn me down.

Closing Thoughts

I've noticed that most of us newbies try to rush through this too fast. It takes time to turn your ship around and get yourself better. It's easy for anger to rush in at first as you internalize what you read here, but that is a mistake. I spent a long time becoming beta. While I am actively trying to fix this, I shouldn't demand immediate results.

I've found that re-reading the books in the sidebar is very helpful. First time you take in the info, but it doesn't sink in well enough. 2nd read seems to inject it into your brain much better.