Getting a handle on things in a LTR

rurpe · 2015-07-09T19:12:48+00:00

I get home Yesterday , and my GF , and the kids are all on the couch , watching a marathon of " Dance moms" . Now im pretty sure they were home for at least 45 mins , yet nothing is done.. hell no one even looks when I walk in the door . Kitchen isn't cleaned from dinner the night before.. pots and pans still on the stove

"I'm going to the gym, you guys are on your own for dinner tonight"

Countpudyoola · 2015-07-09T17:40:15+00:00

just trying to see where I can push with these shit tests

You don't just see where you can push through. You blow through with extreme prejudice.

You start with

A) what's fucking ideally fair to you.

B) Your views on a traditional household labor divisions.

C) Her contributions monetarily and with the house.

Go with that. Decide what you think is fair and move on. Don't do a damn thing over. Trick is you've made this monsterlazybeast that she's become. You may have to let shit swing WAAAAY back on the not-doing-another-damn-thing pendulum to correct.

I'd baseline: Do only what you need for yourself. Do only what you think is fair for the kids. Then let the rest pile the hell up. Give her a chart. Tell her what's her responsibility. Don't dicker. Don't let things get moved back and forth.

EXPECT shit tests GALORE.

Strap on high boots for said lake of poo and have a billion backup outcome independence plans.

Read some of the sidebar here.

Especially: No More Mr Nice Guy and When I say no I feel guilty

STAT

TrainingTheBrain · 2015-07-09T17:11:01+00:00

You start by sitting your family down, girl and kids and laying out the new way things are going to run now that you've got this new job.

It will be a transition for all hands, but your kids need to see that they have responsibilities and that there are expectations that they will meet or the cord to the TV will be taken.

Talk to your lady off line(not in front of the kids) about how she needs to raise her standard as well.

Then, you start taking charge of yourself and your life in a Masculine manner. They need a leader, are you that guy?

Edit Your BMI is roughly 29, you need to get a hold of your health.

dandar4600 · 2015-07-09T18:20:22+00:00

She found her beta buck and they will ride that train until the coal runs out. Where do you start? The gym. You have to lift 3 times a week. It's non-negotiable. You do it no matter what shit she throws your way. The rest of the meager free time you have you read No More Mr Nice Guy followed with MMSLP and WISNIFG.

If things have to pile up cause she and the 12 year old won't pull their weight then so be it. You have to become an asshole and start thinking about #1 which is yourself. Once you read NMMNG and started lifting you will start getting a general idea of how to proceed.

You are the ultimate judge of your life. Not your wife, not your kids, parents, employers, etc. Read the sidebar and do what feels right. Become the asshole she secretly wants you to be.

abdada · 2015-07-09T16:53:39+00:00

Questions:

Whose house is it?
Whose kids are they?
Does she work?
What is your financial situation -- how much do you have saved and where do you spend your money?
What is your social like life outside of her?

becoming_pertinax · 2015-07-09T17:46:25+00:00

As you've presented it, this is unacceptable even in BP relationships.

But you have a long road to walk, so you can start fairly gently if you don't think you've got the groundwork laid to really assert yourself yet.

Walk in and say (pleasantly) "Hey <gf>, it's <time>, please come help me get some dinner ready." (Tell, don't ask.) If she ignores you or argues, calmly repeat yourself. "I need some help, let's go." Wait until she gets off the couch and comes with you, don't leave before then.

Lay down the law after the kids are in bed. "If I cook supper, it's your job to clean up, and vice versa. We need to have supper by <time> - so whoever is home needs to start supper by <time>."

Don't whine or tell her it's not fair. Don't argue with her. Just explain how things are going to work.

"Yes, I understand you're tired from work, so am I. I don't blame you for wanting to 'veg out' in front of the TV. But we still need to have the kids fed and in bed by <time> so that means supper by <time>. So we have to start cooking by <time>, whichever one of us is home."

Obviously you'll need to adjust this based on factors like /u/abdada's questions, the nature of your jobs (if she's on her feet all day and you're a cubicle warrior she may legitimately be more tired than you), what housework she does, etc. For example, at my house, I typically do the dishes because my wife cooks, and after supper she's usually busy bathing our daughters.

And seriously - throw the TV away. Or at least cut the cable.

Chuckwagon1645 · 2015-07-10T00:09:14+00:00

You're quite possibly fucked. Look for evidence of infidelity. Your LTR is in the sweet spot for that shit especially since she's already lost respect. If not, you need to get control fast or it is going to collapse on you. Women don't act like that to men they appreciate. Since she works then you have to pull your weight even after working. Sucks but that's what dual income setups are about.

Venge97RI · 2015-07-09T18:15:16+00:00

I get it.. everything below is true.. and esp. that I have created it.. back when she wasn't working till 7 or 8 PM.. she was home by 5:45 the latest , and we'd make dinner together.. Clean up together. Over the years, the getting home time pushed further and further back. more and more of the work was laid on me. Her 2 kids.. aren't the best , and neither is our relationship, so them getting anything done is difficult at best. I had a feeling that there maybe a Chad or something at work with here , why else would she be putting in 10 hour days , for no reward , but I haven't been able to nail anything down

Financially I want total control of the money.. I want a joint account both of our paychecks go there (minus an allowance for the week) , from which I pay the bills , I know that we make enough money (before new job combined incomes were ~40K , with new job should be ~60K) Yet, shes responsible for Gas and Electric as well as groceries.. 3 times in a year we've had a utility shut off for non payment. unacceptable ...

Sex life- again in the beginning , it was amazing it was all the time.. anywhere , kinks, whatever .. nothing was off limits... now its once a month... and its depressing... I've turned to porn and strip clubs... I need to reign it in (not excessive maybe a club once a month for an hour or less)

another subject is the TV - its been nothing but a headache, kids and GF.. though the kids are totally bad .. I need to reign that in , I have no problem with an hour or 2 to wind down before bed.. but that's when everything else is done, or watching a sporting event ( for me its hockey and nascar) , but the kids will do 8-10 hrs a day on the weekend , and its just not acceptable.

Title	Getting a handle on things in a LTR
Author	Venge97RI
Upvotes	2
Comments	33
Date	July 9, 2015 4:50 PM UTC (11 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MarriedRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/3cp0aw/getting_a_handle_on_things_in_a_ltr/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MarriedRedPill/getting-a-handle-on-things-in-a-ltr.201506 https://theredarchive.com/post/201506

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