How do you balance pursuing your MAP vs frame?

SteelToeShitKicker · 2016-09-14T01:16:54+00:00

The point of frame isn't to cut off your nose to spite your ~~face~~wife.

Edit: Your frame must also survive under the most grueling of circumstances - your wife being right.

NO_LAH_WHERE_GOT · 2016-09-14T03:11:08+00:00

upgrading my wardrobe is a totally necessary step in my MAP to upgrade my SMV.

Yep

Yet if I do so now, I risk operating in her frame - if I go out and buy new clothes, then she will feel that I’ve done so to appease her, which affects our power dynamic.

That's a little simplistic. By this logic, you also shouldn't pass her the salt or make love to her when she asks, because then she'll feel that you've 'done so to appease her', which 'affects your power dynamic'.

Appeasement is not a bad outcome in of itself– it's only bad when you're doing something you DON'T want to do, ONLY because the other person wants you to do it. If someone is appeased by you what you think is right, then it's a non-issue.

If she says "Aww, did you buy those clothes because I asked you to?" You can simply say something along the lines of "I thought about it and decided it made sense. Thanks for the suggestion."

I have to balance pursuing my MAP versus maintaining frame.

Maintaining frame isn't about holding fast to your shitty POVs and decisions when you're faced with conflict. It's about being stable, calm, etc while you change your mind and then your actions and behavior according to what YOU think is best.

In this case it seems highly likely that Mrs. SP is right. Maintaining frame means acknowledging it in a calm, "I've thought about it, did some reading and decided that it's what I want to do for myself" way.

stonepimpletilists · 2016-09-14T01:19:22+00:00

Map says dress like you give a fuck
Frame says you do your map
Ego says you don't like to dress well

Guess which one has to go? I'll bet before you started lifting, you didn't lift to stay in shape either.

I'd wager if I see an outfit or two, I'd have quite the choice words.

Do you know enough about shoes even to know their function? How about tshirts, jeans, shorts, chinos?

If you're worried someone thinks youre a fag, remember this, just about all the clothes men wear has a martial reason for the way it is.

Throw up some photos of your clothes, lets see your standard

JDRoedell · 2016-09-14T12:43:58+00:00

You dress better to look better to ALL women, not just your wife. Looking better is part of "be attractive not unattractive" and is sort of a major pillar of dread. Look better, don't equivocate about whether it's part of your frame.

If you are owning your shit you are doing these things before she's asking and most importantly, for you. See my first sentence. Her calling you out on it is the same as my wife saying the trash needs to be taken out. I do shit around the house because I always have and it needs to be done. Do these things before she is harping on you about it or you've lost.

Her calling you out is only a small frame loss. Move on and move forward. You'll have more fuck ups like this, trust me.

TLDR: Dress better or you're wrong.

2gunsgetsome · 2016-09-14T15:14:21+00:00

She wants you to dress better? What a coincidence; YOU also want to dress better!

That guy in front of me in traffic doesn't want me to crash his car with mine? What a coincidence; I ALSO don't want to crash our cars!

Just because two people happen to want the same thing doesn't mean that one is controlling the other or the frame.

BluepillProfessor · 2016-09-14T16:04:32+00:00

upgrading my wardrobe is a totally necessary step in my MAP to upgrade my SMV. Yet if I do so now, I risk operating in her frame

You only operate in her frame if you do.

Do YOU agree that your dress is to informal? If so then IMHO tell your wife: "You are right! Let's go shopping for clothes tonight." Whatever you do, lead...lead...lead. Pick the store etc. If you think the wife will not be helpful then go by yourself. This is your call but there is nothing wrong with relying on the words and actions of a good First Officer. Leadership includes listening to the concerns of your subordinates and acting on them where appropriate and needed.

Aechzen · 2016-09-14T03:25:14+00:00

I’m also a “three basic pairs of shoes” kinda guy

I wear three or four pairs of shoes most days. Running shoes, then biking shoes to get to work, then dress shoes that I leave in the office, then biking shoes to get back home. Sometimes sandals once I'm home, and especially if I'm going to the beach, or dressy shoes in a few colors if I'm going out.

What does MRP advise in this situation?

No idea. But let's look at this pragmatically...

If you really are a slob, I'm not sure that's a shit test. She might very well be doing you a favor.

She's saying that you embarrass her? I don't know whether she is being dramatic, or straight up honest. My wife sure-as-fuck doesn't say that about me. I'm lean, built, good-looking, and dress better than her.

You want to upgrade your wardrobe. She wants you to upgrade your wardrobe.

Just accept that you both want the same thing, and who gives a shit if she thinks she got her way?

Worry about your frame.

wallst07 · 2016-09-14T11:55:44+00:00

FOGGING: You're right, I should dress better NEGATIVE INQUIRY: What is it about my dressing upsets you?

Women often have good taste in men's clothing, why don't you ask her what looks good?

BobbyPeru · 2016-09-14T02:29:11+00:00

You're not in her frame if you are doing it for yourself. Don't talk about it. Just do it. If she ask you any questions about it STFU, and continue to upgrade your wardrobe.

Rinse. Repeat.

Fashion has nothing to do with any of it. Pick a style that works for you, but make sure it is current and works well with your body. Have you been lifting? Do not start buying clothes until you have been lifting and are in your best shape.

We need way more background on you. For example, have you done all the required readings? Have you been lifting? How do you handle shit tests? You say that the details aren't important, but we can't help you and unless you give us details.

demeck · 2016-09-15T12:42:18+00:00

It's very simple. EVERYTHING you know and believe regarding the RP is about frame. If you have frame, you don't worry about appearing as though you are responding to her shit tests. It might appear so in the short term, but in the long run it will become apparent that her comments had little to do with your behavior.

STOP, STOP, STOP worrying about what she says. Do what you need to do to become a better man - period.

BTW, you know you've arrived when you can amplify a shit test without having to think about it.

bogeyd6 · 2016-09-16T00:17:04+00:00

Full disclosure. I didn't read your post at all. I want to directly talk about your title. There is no balance! You have frame first and then the rest comes. Otherwise you are always going to be spinning your wheels. You can only make small victories until your frame develops. I always tell people spend the first two months only reading and lifting? Why? Why do I give such horrible advice? It works. You get a chance to ground yourself and separate your thinking on your life. For many men, this will be the first time they spent two hours without their wife. Ok, going further. You get the hormones and the knowledge. No harm can be done during this phase. Let's just say out loud that a man's broken relationship worked for the last 10 years, two more months isn't going to hurt it more. Just keep your mouth shut at home, lift weights, read books. After this, you are building the foundation for your frame to exist on. Alas, the draw of completely taking control of your life on day one is too much for too many. Skip the basics, don't bother with the rest and that is my real advice.

Persaeus · 2016-09-14T12:09:54+00:00

Couple thoughts OP:

What is your brand and how does it fit into your MAP and current age/status? When I was in high-school and college, I rocked the punk rock/surfer boy fashion and it totally worked. Pulled multiple chicks who overtly told me, you looked different and I was curious. Post college, moving into professional/fatherhood role this edgy look obviously did not fit with my new life. Unfortunately, removing the edge resulted in just plain old slob. Take whatever brand you want to project: professional guy, cowboy, redneck, whatever and take it to the 9's. However, this brand needs to be congruent with the rest of your life.

Bro, your woman overtly telling you that you embarrass her is BAD. You are so unattractive that she has gone beyond ignoring/despising/not fucking you to just straight telling you. I know because there was a time I got this too, and I cringe in retrospect.

Now let me let you in on a little secret. Your wife's hamster has the memory of a hamster. Done rightly (see advice you already have), she isn't going to think he is listening to me (lol....), she is going to think that asshole is trying to impress the 22yo intern at work. My wife told me repeatedly over decades to dress better. When I suddenly started dressing "up", she never once said "I told you so". Instead she repeatedly questioned me about why I was dressing so nice, and told me not to spending so much on clothes......ha....ha...ha. Dread is very fashionable.

SampsonBrass · 2016-09-14T01:37:58+00:00

One has nothing to do with the other in this regard. Where's your pride and self respect?

My fashion interest and wardrobe encompasses the basics that I need to be a high-functioning, professionally very successful man, but no further.

And

I’m also a “three basic pairs of shoes kind of guy

You do realize these two things cannot coexist in any way?

Mrs. SP hates how I dress, thinks I look too informal whenever we go places, where she says I embarrass her.

Most women despair of men's taste so this being the case you must be very bad indeed.

screechhater · 2016-09-14T01:45:09+00:00

Wow. You need to read more.

How about if you show the fuck up with some clothes that fit and look like you spent some time picking them.

Why don't you shut the fuck up and lift, making yourself look like the time @ the gym went to good use ?

edit: She is probably right and @ some point you need to learn to put some effort into your dress to dread her.

Title	How do you balance pursuing your MAP vs frame?
Author	ShiveringPines
Upvotes	3
Comments	30
Date	September 14, 2016 1:09 AM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MarriedRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/52o206/how_do_you_balance_pursuing_your_map_vs_frame/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MarriedRedPill/how-do-you-balance-pursuing-your-map-vs-frame.199548 https://theredarchive.com/post/199548

Comments