With lockdowns being in place, it is more important than ever to be the level-headed leader at home and that will mean dealing with challenging behaviour for many of you.

UK Primary teacher here. Though I have no kids of my own, this advice is based on nearly a decade of teaching children in 4-5 schools across my city from leafy suburbs to inner city estates. My behaviour management perspective has been hard won by working with Behaviour PRU (Pupil Referral Unit) staff and by trying (and often failing with) different strategies.

-> Penalties and negative consequences do not change future behaviour for the better. It damages relationships, builds resentment and can just teach the person to hide 'negative' behaviours. This is the same for children, teens and adults. (Same principle - a friend once shouted at his puppy for messing on the carpet - he then had to battle with it doing it behind the sofa/curtains).

-> Rewarding the 'right' choices is the most powerful strategy of all.

-> Try to couple this with ignoring the negative if possible - this does have it's limitations e.g. intervene swiftly if there is imminent threat to safety but do so as calmly as possible and control your emotional reaction.

-> Praise and emotionally based positive feelings being associated with chosen behaviour is incredibly powerful. The praise must be genuine, intrinsic, believable and not over the top.

-> Children with higher level behavioural difficulties have usually had some form emotional turmoil in their past that they have had to endure. Often: neglect, abuse of some kind (physical/emotional) or generally being around toxic people.

-> Those ^ children will find praise difficult to accept and it may stir up all kinds of negative feelings for them so there's a risk that they will then act out soon after being praised. This is because of a yearning for safety.

-> Boundaries. See Maslow's hierarchy of needs. Children must feel safe and secure in order to be happy. They must feel secure in their environment and therefore need boundaries. How can they trust that you will look after them and they'll be safe? They will test your boundaries - in a similar way to shit testing.

-> Be the caring oak (see stoicism). Children must feel that they have boundaries and there are consequences for transgressing them.

-> Praise in public but apply consequences calmly and quietly.

-> Rewards can be as simple as giving your time / attention, a smile, approval etc. and a consequence for negative behaviour can be the immediate and short term removal of these things until their attitude / choices improve.

-> Punishments / consequences. The most effective consequences (for improving future behaviour) are not the most severe, they are the most consistently applied ones. They are small explicitly laid out consequences that they know are guaranteed to happen. Punishments that are over the top in severity, where you make a big show of dishing out, are usually emotionally dished out, disproportionate in severity to the initial transgression and are most damaging to your relationship.

-> From Restorative Practices principles: "separate the deed from the doer". Avoid labelling a child's character based on their actions e.g. instead of "You're such a naughty boy / disappointment - I can't believe you've broken that _____ / done xyz..." go for something like "I'm really disappointed / annoyed that _____ happened / that you chose to _____". Make sure to communicate that it is the behaviour that you don't like / want rather than the child themself.

-> So they throw food at lunch every day? A 30 minute sit on their own and the loss of a toy for the afternoon is far more effective than shouting at them, grounding them for a week, taking away all tv privileges etc. in an emotional tirade.

-> Keep a level head, be pragmatic and involve them in the process of understanding the impact of their actions (see Restorative Practice). Ideally after an incident, ALL involved will have their views and feelings heard and understood and opportunities are encouraged to: repair the relationships / 'right any wrong' / positively build and strengthen the relationships of all involved.

-> Finally, if a child is doing something that is annoying you and so you tell them to stop (such as tapping / bouncing a ball / flicking something on a table etc.), expect them to have the compulsion to do it 2-3 more times before they cease. I've no idea why this is - perhaps they were acting on some subconscious impulse that they need to get out of their system? Either way, once you understand / expect this then it may annoy you less.

Happy to clarify or elaborate on any points raised and I'd welcome critical discussion for others with experience.