~ archived since 2018 ~

... whereupon he reaches his limit.

RBuddDwyer · 2015-02-06T21:25:10+00:00

There must be some time in a man's life when he looks at the smoldering remnants of his life, within the wreckage of his marriage still smoking from the...

RBuddDwyer

February 6, 2015

14 upvotes

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Post Information

Title	... whereupon he reaches his limit.
Author	RBuddDwyer
Upvotes	14
Comments	22
Date	February 6, 2015 9:25 PM UTC (11 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MarriedRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/2v0yu7/whereupon_he_reaches_his_limit/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MarriedRedPill/whereupon-he-reaches-his-limit.202557 https://theredarchive.com/post/202557

Comments

[–]BluepillProfessorMarried-MRP MODERATOR2 points3 points4 points 11 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

[–]RBuddDwyerMarried- MRP APPROVED[S] 3 points4 points5 points 11 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]jcrpta0 points1 point2 points 11 years ago* (19 children) | Copy Link

I've learned something over the last couple of weeks.

Any sense of fun, flirting or what have you was long ago sucked from the marriage.

"Chase me"? Can I really be bothered? I can flirt with girls at work a hundred times easier, many of whom have a drastically higher SMV than my wife. I can barely bring myself to even make a cheeky comment to my wife (who I know for a fact won't respond).

I'm not stupid enough to shit where I eat, so I plan to restrict it to harmless flirting. But frankly it's nice to know that I can actually do it - it's been so long that I thought I'd forgotten.

Can I fix it? Well, the whole point of MRP is I work on myself and don't even worry about exit strategy until I reach the point I can effortlessly flirt with pretty much any woman I like. In theory the wife will come around at or around that time, and in any case, if she doesn't I don't much care because I'll be at the point where I could branch swing or spin plates at my own leisure.

[–]brandor77 15 points16 points17 points 11 years ago (11 children) | Copy Link

You sound as despondent as I was a few years ago.

Here is the thing I have come around to realize: stop thinking about the "marriage" as an institution, a thing. You are currently in a relationship (roommate, parenting, sexual(?)) with a woman. This is a person you once loved enough to tack your whole trajectory with her. So remember that, but stop thinking about it as something anything was "sucked out from". Life moves on, people change, and all that.

Marriage bonds a man because it speaks to his honor, because you swore an oath. You stay even if you are miserable - not because of the finances or hurting feelings, not really. You stay because you feel you are a man of your word. This is why it is so easy to become a beta in the eyes of your woman - they think they don't have to try anymore.

The first and most important thing is to start distinguishing your own life from hers. This is usually harder than it sounds. For me, every hour on my own at the gym was initially challenged:

Cynicism: "I see what's important to you."
Coercion: "Let's go to lunch!"
Comfort Testing: "Are you going there to check out women?"
Guilt: "You should be spending time with me." (When, of course, I already do)

The answer to all of these is to firmly stick to your plans. Hanging with a buddy after work, doing a project in the garage, etc. Physical Separation. Standing by your own plans and denying her the ability to mold you makes you more respect-worthy, and more alpha, even if she is initially upset. Absence does indeed make the heart grow fonder.

As you take interest in your own shit, you stop worrying so much about hers, and it can't help but be noticed eventually. This is the second phase - withdrawing yourself as "emotional tampon". Again, shit-tests galore. The message is you care about her well-being and her pursuit of self-improvement, but not about the drama.

I experienced a phase where I also began to call out the lack of respect and the tone of how she spoke to me (a lot of un-beta-ing in my relationship to do, for sure). This was, of course, an argument. The message I had was, "I am not a child. You don't want to be with a child, I am sure. So if you continue to treat me like a child, then I won't be around to treat that way." Dread-game; relationship reset.

Once you hit your stride in the areas of physical and emotional separation and have set boundaries, you will become interesting again to her. Feeding the hamster will make her start thinking about her looks, how she is treating you, and (most importantly) how she is rewarding your continued commitment.

Right now, my wife is on her own self-improvement regimen, both inspired and driven by my own improvements. I am king of my castle once again.

So don't give up hope. The anger phase will pass. Be productive with that energy.

Good luck, brother.

[–]theultmatecad 5 points6 points7 points 11 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

[–]dacah3 points 11 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

[–]Leastohm1 point2 points3 points 11 years ago (6 children) | Copy Link

[–]brandor77 1 point2 points3 points 11 years ago (5 children) | Copy Link

Listen, I've been there.

I would be mindful of the female validation thing you have going on. Ask yourself: why are you flirting? Why do you think someone "fresh" will make you happy? Because here's the hard truth: it's nice to have someone pretty smile at you, but it doesn't nourish the soul. There is no one out there that will make you happy. That's up to you.

Right off the bat, I hear you feeling like she is phoning it in, that you are too, and that you aren't sure where this is going to end up. Stop living like a zombie.

Here's where my advice diverts from the typical TRP path:

Assess yourself honestly. Figure out the the way you are feeling, try to put some thoughts into the why's and what's behind it, and calmly tell her. Don't ask or expect her to change or fix anything, don't blame her, don't attack. Just explain where you are and what you think is going wrong.

This will probably generate emotional reaction. Stay stoic, power through it. Don't attack, don't get defensive (and it's okay to say that you are not attacking or defending!), just that this is the way you are feeling and that something has to give.

After the initial irrationality, she will probably get real - and some of what she has to say may ring painfully true. Stay on course with the conversation. Listen to her angle. Figure out like adults whether this can be fixed or if you guys are just too far off the rails.

In the end, it needs to be laid out there if you are going to get through the impasse.

Chances are, once she notices that you are a) standing up for yourself and b) that you are serious about the nuclear option - not threatening, just that it may be better than things are now - things will actually get better. But even if not and it means you need to break up, so be it. Better now than years down the road. It's a matter of whether the current situation is more intolerable than what it means to break up.

[–]theultmatecad 2 points3 points4 points 11 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]Leastohm1 point2 points3 points 11 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

[–]LFAB1 point2 points3 points 11 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]RBuddDwyerMarried- MRP APPROVED[S] 0 points1 point2 points 11 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]whinemoreplease 0 points1 point2 points 11 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]jcrpta1 point2 points3 points 11 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]whinemoreplease 0 points1 point2 points 11 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]BluepillProfessorMarried-MRP MODERATOR4 points5 points6 points 11 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link

[–]abalos3 points 11 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

[–]jcrpta0 points1 point2 points 11 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]phoenix_mdMarried Man -MRP APPROVED1 point2 points3 points 11 years ago* (2 children) | Copy Link

I'm still in the "holy crap, this stuff works on chicks at work too!" phase. Been lifting and making nice gains, projecting confidence, and adding occasional soft flirting. I have one girl flipping her hair and acting like a blithering idiot everytime I'm around, and two others who randomly brought me lunch last week. One of those tried to sh*t test me via text. Shot it down with ease. Next request I made of her she responded with "Yes sir Captain!" with a sly smile.

My biggest challenge right now is to fight the urge to get each of them in bed (WARNING: AWALT but also AMALT. Don't let your body urges ruin your life with a stupid affair)

I can barely bring myself to even make a cheeky comment to my wife (who I know for a fact won't respond).

Hey man, we all feel like that sometimes. But that woman is your wife whom once cared or valued you enough to latch her foreseeable future onto you. That doesn't mean you're bond to her outside of the marriage contract but it does me you have more than a fighting chance at winning this RP game with her and avoiding the financial and social raping of divorce.

Game her. Focus all your energy on making her vagina tingle. Make sex so good she has no choice but to beg for more the next day. And if she doesn't respond then dread her hardcore. Stay out late with some buddies, don't call, stay at a hotel, spray your shirt with some perfume, flirt with a girl at a bar enough to get her number and make sure she sees it, etc. When the fight comes let her know it's her you prefer but that you're tired of scraps from the table and you're gonna get your due one way or another. Ten bucks says she'll come around.

Edit: Wrote my reply before reading others. Listen to everything brandor77 wrote. Good stuff

[–]jcrpta0 points1 point2 points 11 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

[–]phoenix_mdMarried Man -MRP APPROVED-1 points0 points1 point 11 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]whinemoreplease 0 points1 point2 points 11 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link