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feeling the need to be trans, even though I'm not, just to feel some kind of love from someone

Gumi_Sama
April 18, 2022
16 upvotes
/r/MenSupportMen

I feel like I have to a skinny bimbo slut like most girls appear to be online just to feel loved, since they seem to be the only gender that feels love and gets love right? I don't get looked at when I walk outside, I don't feel like a single soul has looked at me and said "wow he's hot" at all. I just want to be told I'm loved by someone who seriously likes me more then a human.. I was thinking about this the other day, and I honestly have no idea how embarrassed and how much I'd cry if someone whispered seriously to me that they loved me. It's sad that it's come to that point, where I feel like I literally won't feel love, just because I'm a guy, white, and slightly overweight.

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Post Information
Title feeling the need to be trans, even though I'm not, just to feel some kind of love from someone
Author Gumi_Sama
Upvotes 16
Comments 32
Date April 18, 2022 7:30 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit /r/MenSupportMen
Archive Link https://theredarchive.com/r/MenSupportMen/feeling-the-need-to-be-trans-even-though-im-not.1112151
https://theredarchive.com/post/1112151
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/mensupportmen/comments/u6lc6a/feeling_the_need_to_be_trans_even_though_im_not/
Comments

[–]MartianCavenaut 11 points12 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Get your T levels checked out. Might very well be the case that you need more T in order to feel right.

[–]Gumi_Sama 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Idk what T levels are?

[–]MartianCavenaut 5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Testosterone. Testosterone levels have been documented to have been falling about 1% in men living in the west every year since 1980. Its not a cure-all but its definitely eye brow raising and might be the reason for some of what you are experiencing. Best of luck.

[–]Someoneoldbutnew 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Your worth isn't determined externally. Just being alive and having a body makes you worthy and capable of bliss and love.

[–]Peptocoptr 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I've felt the same way at one point. Starting to work out was the best decision of my life partly because it helped me get rid of the remains of that mindset. The grass isn't greener on the other side. It's a shame that many women don't understand this, but it is what it is. The male experience is so different from the female one that it's like being someone dying of thirst in the desert watching someone drown at sea. It's so unrelatable that you can't help but feel like the other side is so lucky. Trans people are kind of like the gateway that allow us to relate to relate to each other, and even they can confirm that both genders have thier pros and cons that make it impossibly complex to figure out who has it worse (unless they already had a feminist agenda prior to transitioning). Despite that, it still feels like men and women are more divided than ever before, and it's fucking sad... To go back to my advice in question, I can take you to the water, but I can't make you drink. Hit me up if you need fitness advice. That's what I'm most qualified to give you. I agree with the other comments in the thread when it comes to mostly everything else. We're all gonna make it bruhs. I have faith you will too

[–]Arguesovereverythin 5 points6 points  (8 children) | Copy Link

There's a difference between love and desire. What you said about women online, that's desire not love.

You don't need to look a specific way to get love. You get love by loving others.

When was the last time you told someone that you love them? What makes you feel like you love someone? When you find that person,make sure they know it.

Also, be careful who you love. Some people Will try to take everything from you and give you nothing in return. When you run into someone that's a black hole of neediness, put in some boundaries and keep looking.

[–]Gumi_Sama 1 point2 points  (7 children) | Copy Link

The only people I tell I love you to are my mom, since she's my mom, and that's it, I only live with my mom, and yeah, I fucking know that I should be careful about who I love dude. I've been in relationships, which ruined my stances on things, and is literally why I feel this way, and feel the need to be a completely different person. The only thing I do on a day to day basis is play video games, because there I can be someone who isn't a 240 pound 18 year old who doesn't go outside.

[–]Cyb3rd31ic_Citiz3n[🍰] 2 points3 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

So there is your problem right there. You don't love yourself and not taking care of yourself. You're wanting to lose weight and find self value, not to be a woman.

[–]Gumi_Sama 0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy Link

Yeah, I know

[–]Cyb3rd31ic_Citiz3n[🍰] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy Link

So, do you have a plan?

[–]Gumi_Sama 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

Not really

[–]Cyb3rd31ic_Citiz3n[🍰] 3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Then lets make one.

Write down three things you'd like to change about yourself. Then write three goals you'd like to achieve. They cannot be the same things, so have a good think.

This might be a painful experience, but you can't begin a journey if you're not honest with where you're starting from and where you're going.

Then, break down each change and each goal into 3 things you can do to achieve these aspirations.

This is your 18 point plan. It will grow and change as you set about achieving your desires, but it will always help guide you towards what you want.

Engage with only 3 mini-goals at a time, don't take on all 18 points at once. It's too much. Incrimental steps will walk you a marathon if you keep going. Expect this to be an ongoing, long term process.

Treat yourself for achieving a mini-goal. Don't put yourself down for failing to achieve fast enough, no one ever achieves their goals fast enough for their own liking. Always keep at it. The only way to fail is to stop trying.

Again, be prepared for it to take a while - NEVER stop trying.

[–]Ryuujinken 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Ward

[–]Arguesovereverythin 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yeah, it makes sense why you're lonely. Hard to form a solid relationship when no one is around. Time to put yourself out there.

Start small. Go on a jog. Get a part time job or volunteer. Show up to community events. Make it your goal to interact with 2-3 people every day. Then, however much you are doing, do 10% more next week. So, if all you do is say hi to someone this week. Try a full sentence next week.

The point is, if you change nothing, you'll always feel this way. Start putting yourself in places where people have the opportunity to love you.

[–]Gumi_Sama 4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I shouldn't need to go work out, change my jaw line with surgery, and a million other things just to be loved by someone.

[–]a-man-from-earth 5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You shouldn't need to, but to increase your chances of romantic success, working out is the least you can do.

[–]FatherOfLights88 1 point2 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

It's very important to draw a certain distinction here. What they're getting is not 'love'. They're getting 'attention'.

You're running a deficit of both love AND attention, as the two very much go hand in hand. They are, however, distinct from each other

The way I understand our world is that women are often not the providers of love. That's what men bring to the table. To get the kind of attention you're seeking, it's important to increase your 'attractiveness'. It gets harder and harder to feel attractive when we've been without anything for so damned long.

I've got a question for you:

Do you like yourself?

[–]Gumi_Sama 1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

To answer that question, no not really, I literally don't have anything to stay alive for besides playing video games, and that's because I can be anyone I want in video games, not a fat loser who still can't do algebra at 18 and living with his mommy

[–]FatherOfLights88 3 points4 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Ah, yes. I remember my version of what you're feeling. It's not a fun place to be, and takes time, experience, and some effort to break out of. I didn't start breaking free of that mindset until I was 39. Someone popped into my life, albeit briefly, and woke something up inside me. Looking back in thses seven years, that person still serves as my single thread of hope and inspiration.

I've gone from hating my body, and hating myself to realizing I'm fucking gorgeous and really don't know what I was thinking for all those decades. My mind and body have completely changed. I'm not a different person than I once was. Instead, I'm more 'me' than I've even been. Underneath the layers of damaged self image, I found really interesting things that I didn't really know were there. The more I fixed my personality/behavioral issues, the more interesting things I found beneath. The deeper I crack myself open, I more and more like what I find.

I look forward to seeing this person again, one day. It is inevitable.

As for you? I don't know what spark will ignite you, or how it will be ignited. You'll need to make some decisions though. Video games are an excellent 'drug addiction' to keep us occupied when we really don't like our own company. To change how you feel about yourself, you're going to need to change your gaming behavior. Naturally, that will force you to spend time feeling thoughts you'd rather not feel. If those unpleasant thoughts aren't 'felt' and properly categorized, they'll plague you for a long time.

Spring is in swing, and the sun is inevitable. Try to spend a bit of time teaching your skin to handle sunlight. I had to do it daily, in 10-minute increments. Otherwise, I'd burn. I gradually built up my tolerance, always being careful to never be out long enough to burn. Seven years later and I fucking LOVE being out in the sun... by myself. I love it so much that I'm eager ti get to move from the dank PNW down to SoCal.

You're at a crossroads. You want a different outcome to the life you're unhappy with. This requires you to decide to do something different, and see how it feels.

Good luck!!!

[–]Gumi_Sama 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

I'll try to do that, I'm just having trouble feeling motivated to do anything, and change at all when I don't feel like anyone's happy in life. Everyone seems like they're in a crippling marriage, depressed, or alone past 30, so why even try? It just feels like a waste.. makes me wish I didn't have the burden of life..

[–]Alarming_Draw 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

No shit-I think a lot of men are looking at womens lives and then their own and how badly men are treated and thinking-"why are we treated so badly just because of our gender?"

[–]Gumi_Sama 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

That's exactly how I feel

[–]MaximumAbsorbency 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

Why do you think being ogled or fawned over like some kind of disposable object is how to feel "loved"? I think you may need a shift in perspective, king.

[–]Gumi_Sama 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Because that's all I know..

[–]MaximumAbsorbency 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Loving and being loved is way different than getting or giving attention - in fact, attention can often be bad.

I find the best way to be loved is to love yourself. It's vague and doesn't make sense, but you gotta figure out what that means for you specifically. Consider thinking about what you could love about yourself, and figure out how to get to that. And I'm not talking about being jealous and saying you'd love if you were someone else - you're you, and the point is to find or become a version of yourself worthy of your own love. If you can start to make these small or large changes to find and magnify things you love about yourself, it will be easier to love others - and it will be easier for them to love you back. It's daunting and seems impossible, but try to take it one step at a time.

I'm not bashing people who are trans, at all. If someone is trans, that's what they are and they should love themselves too. But you mentioned some kind of need to be trans as a way to seek attention which is not how it works and is not going to be the solution for the problem you're describing.

Edit: It can also be difficult to see the way forward. There's no shame in admitting you need help - whether its friends, family, internet strangers, or a professional counselor - to get to the point where you can start to love yourself.

[–]surrealstrength 0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy Link

Don't mind me but... Are you trying to be something you're not? Just so you could get the physical attention you want from someone who could mean something to you?

[–]Gumi_Sama 0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy Link

Yeah, that's about what I mean

[–]surrealstrength 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy Link

That's the problem with adopting an identity with no rules. Listen man, most of the time women won't look at you even if you're a handsome hunk. That's the truth. You're only beneficial to the world if you bring some sort of value to them and that's the truth. A man is only loved under the condition that he provides something. I have experience with it. My advice is become something that can provide to society but at the same time to yourself. Focus on yourself. Your career, your attitude towards life. Be independent. Don't depend on others but ket others depend on you. Being a slut to random men on the internet won't bring you fulfilment in life. If you need help you always can reach out to us.

[–]Gumi_Sama 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

I kinda meant by "I feel the need to be a femboy" because I'm only into guys, and guys only seem to want girls or men who dress as girls, and not actual men, who aren't 100 pounds and skinny with huge girl asses. It's complicated, the internet and past relationships have ruined alot of me

[–]surrealstrength 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

That's okay man. I'm sorry. What i said applies to men also. Be yourself. Don't adopt an identity. Don't let the internet or media fool you into being something you're not. Stay true to yourself and don't force love. Love will find you when you're not looking. It's not just words and hugs. Love is more profound than that and with time you'll understand. You sound like a good kid. Stay in touch with us.

[–]Gumi_Sama 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thanks, I'll keep that in mind

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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