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I do not like the person I've become.

KingBacon42069
June 10, 2022
29 upvotes
/r/MenSupportMen

I used to be this guy as he was growing up, used to speak loudly and firmly and used to have a strong handshake and used to hold items firmly too. Unfortunately, I was in an environment where everyone told me I was "too loud" , I should have a "more comfortable handshake", I couldn't have "conflicting opinions" , I had to be "more gentle".

Now I've become the softest person I know, I've become very soft spoken, I hold things very gently, I have the weakest handshake, even if you call it a handshake, I just agree with everyone now and I take shit too personally. I don't like this version of me. I really don't. I want to go back to my older version. I don't know if it's possible now.

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Post Information
Title I do not like the person I've become.
Author KingBacon42069
Upvotes 29
Comments 17
Date June 10, 2022 5:08 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit /r/MenSupportMen
Archive Link https://theredarchive.com/r/MenSupportMen/i-do-not-like-the-person-ive-become.1209616
https://theredarchive.com/post/1209616
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/mensupportmen/comments/v903lj/i_do_not_like_the_person_ive_become/
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Comments

[–]cravin_mor 10 points11 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

As you changed to that quite and soft person, you proved yourself that you can change in the other direction, bud (because the change was possible in the first place). It wasn't a irreversible change like a lost limb.

Like you SLOWLY and bit by bit changed into the soft person, you can take little bits and change it back. it may feel weird and maybe a bit wrong, because everyone told you so, but just change the things back to were you want with little steps. Find a balance between your wishes and your environment. Being confident doesn't mean to smash and squish another person's hand for example. The handshake can still very present and tight. Also depending on the person you shake hands with. With a dude, you can push the limits a bit further. with a woman, you should hold back a bit more. Just normal stuff - being considerate.

[–]KingBacon42069[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thanks man, I'm trying to take it little by little and it does feel a bit awkward but I'm trying. I definitely get what you mean by balance and the examples you stated. I just feel a bit lost but I'm getting there, thanks again!

[–]a-man-from-earth 6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Sounds like you need to find a balance.

[–]FatherOfLights88 3 points4 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

Now that you can see the hole you find yourself in, for what it really is, you can begin to climb out.

You have the memories inside you of what you 'used to be'. You also have the memories of all that's come between who you are vs. who you've become. Try to imagine who you'd be if you hadn't been so sensitive to other people's misperceptions and projections. Become that person. One firm handshake at a time.

Through this experience of having lost yourself, you now have a more clear image your level of sensitivity. Instead of a thick skin, like the average person, yours is as delicate and impressable as fine tissue paper. You'll need to push back on people who thteaten to tear it, as well as form psychological boundaries to keep those kinds of people at more than arm's distance, but all the way across the street.

Does this make sense?

[–]cravin_mor 2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

The mentioned new level of sensitivity, which is like a "fine tissue paper" sounds good, but to me it looks like an extra layer of skin he now realises he possesses.

I believe that the thick skin is still in him, somewhere. :)

[–]FatherOfLights88 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

If he had the thick skin you speak of, he wouldn't have been so easily and detrimentally affected by the words of other people.

Sensitive people rarely develop thick skin, as it means to be desensitized to not only the eliws in life, but the highs, too. Instead, we are charged with learning the extent of our sensitivity and then to protect it at all costs.

When OP recovers, hell have zero tolerance for the kind of people he let influence him. He'll make room in his life for people who notice what's great in him and encourage more of it. Have to clean out the trash first.

[–]KingBacon42069[S] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Thank you, it does make sense!

As I was telling u/cravin_more , I do feel a bit lost and weird trying to go through this but I'm definitely trying!

And I definitely agree with keeping my distance and I'm beginning to do that, place definite boundaries and expecting people to respect them. However I'm also trying to not let the smallest things get to me, if that makes sense? Like knowing when to react to what and how?

[–]FatherOfLights88 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I know what you mean. When you get to a space where everything doesn't get to you, you'll have wiggle room to not sweat the small things.

[–]FatherOfLights88 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

ps.

If you're game for a conversation, send me a pm. I can help you suss things out more quickly and help you start clearing a path back to yourself that feels more sure footed.

[–]KingBacon42069[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thanks man!

[–]mule_roany_mare -2 points-1 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

... So I have a different take.

It sounds like you really value absolute bullshit. Being loud & firm handshakes? Remember how ridiculous Trump looked bringing power his handshakes onto the world stage?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T84se4fc4KU

Being loud?

It sounds like you took good advice. I define masculinity ultimately as the willingness to stand up for yourself and what's right, but not bullshit.

Why do you feel the need to present yourself as bigger & more important recently? It's possible you do actually need to fight for some respect, but you have to earn that respect with meaningful action.

What makes you respect another person?

[–]Wiaugusto 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I think the point he is going is before he probably felt more secure, now that he is softer and takes more things personal he probably sees himself as a insecure person

[–]mule_roany_mare -1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I’m only going by what he actually said. It’s also a good idea to really understand your values before you commit to them.

Grip and volume are terrible proxies for someone’s character, even as metaphor.

Either way if he wants some actionable advice or support he is gonna have to communicate the issue better.

[–]KingBacon42069[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Hey mule!

So with regard to the handshakes, I do not mean like them, but like a short firm handshake, that's it.

As I was clarifying below, when I meant I was loud, I do not mean being in an obnoxious way, it's more of a bold and confident way of speaking? If that makes sense, as compared to then, I'm now a mouse, when I talk I'm very soft that you have to make me repeat myself again and you won't even know I'm in the room and as much as I regret it , I would have to be transparent and say yes to that question. I respect people but never felt the same reciprocated.

For me, it's literally being nice and actually caring about anyone.

[–]cravin_mor 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

just gussing, but I think he means being extraverted, more outgoing and feeling good around other people, with confidence and openness. But, OP, pls clarify, because mule has a point there, if you think in that surface level mindset :)

[–]BambiMariposite_Lion 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

As long as you’re not hurting someone, you have a right to stand up for the person you are and the personality you posses. If he was happy the way before, with firm handshakes, and a boisterous voice then he has a good reason to value his own personality. If people don’t like him, fine, they can find someone who else who is more gentle to talk to. Then that means he can find other people who accept him for how he is, handshakes and all.

[–]UnHope20 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

It can be hard when you don't like the person that you've become.

Give yourself grace as you figure things out. In the meantime, we're happy to be digital buds.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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