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I don't know what to do with myself...

August 19, 2021

I am a 19 year old IT student who just feels like there is no meaning in my life. I feel like the fact that I am studying is all I have going there. I guess my real problem is loneliness.

I am in a group of friends but there are many times where I feel like I'm it's most replaceable member. I tried making new friends on multiple occasions but something has to stop me (in my country there's still barely any social events because of the pandemic). As for dating, I'd rather not go there.

I've tried counseling but it has for the most part gotten me nowhere.

So what do I do? I feel like the universe is telling me I should be alone, that a life of pure solitude is meant for me and I shouldn't try anymore... I really am that lonely...

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Post Information
Title I don't know what to do with myself...
Author Toxic_Lord
Upvotes 29
Comments 14
Date August 19, 2021 5:43 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit /r/MenSupportMen
Archive Link
Original Link

[–]Iceman_Hottie 3 points4 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

You are at a time in your life where things seem hopeless, I am in a somewhat similar boat myself (mental health, finishing my PhD in STEM, am struggling to find a postdoc/job, waiting on my fellowship application where the reply will be expected around March 2022). There will be difficult times in everyone's lives, and it seems like giving up is the best way. It seems like every one's doing better than you. The issue is hitting your stride. The hardest thing is to break through. That first step. Once you get there things will get better.

On the subject of friends, a few good ones are better than many s*ite ones. One of my biggest plusses, I am interesting to talk to, and interesting to myself (if I had an identical double we would be great friends). This helps me making friends of all ages, with one of my friends being in his 60 (for reference I am 28, and I am younger than his kids).

If things get better, join a dancing club (there's a lot of girls there) and become comfortable around people, and learn to notice the little social ques (that will help in the girls). A big thing here is to be comfortable with who you are, and you will both feel better and be perceived to look better and more interesting. It is one of those things, that contribute to your presence, the very subtle things in the posture propensity to hide in a corner or go in to the middle of the room, grab or avoid attention (this goes on into psychology).

Ultimately a lot of this comes down to you being 19, and not having the time to develop your self and fully mature. Put focus on your career, develop your skills and work experience, get contacts that will help you get a job. This will also give you the freedom to do the things you want to do in general, and girls in particular (freedom to not take bs and abuse + it is a consideration, even if they don't want to admit it).

If you want any more "sage" advice ask away or message me, maybe this is how a friendship can start.

[–]Toxic_Lord[S] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

You know what, thanks man. Though I should be focusing on my career, that shouldn't be all I'm doing. Maybe I'll start a coding discord or help in open source projects (though very little. I'm still learning) until the country opens up. The clubs at school and social gatherings are still canceled and not allowed so I'll have to settle for that for now. I guess it was just that hard actually trying with most things closed.

[–]Iceman_Hottie 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You are welcome! Little by little learn, make a portfolio to track your contributions and have something to show off your skills.

I think we all need mentoring to become better men. I didn't have anyone irl, so I went in to philosophy and am glad to mentor others.

[–]LittleBreadBoio 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

All I can think of is rather than going out to make new friends is attracting new friends. I made a lot of connections through baking bread at work for people. Its a great conversation starter. Maybe you can create a coding circle or a discord server like a community. Making friends at the gym can be really neat especially if a few guys have similar goals.

[–]Cyb3rd31ic_Citiz3n 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

What else do you do with your time, dude?

[–]Toxic_Lord[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Video Games, Reading, practicing coding and going for walks and gym

[–]peanutbutterjams 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Well a life of pure solitude isn't meant for you because you feel lonely. You're not suited for it.

I've lived mostly alone for a lot of my life and I was rarely lonely.

Beyond that, though, maybe you're just better at 1-to-1 friendships? Seems like everybody hangs out in groups these days but I've always gotten along best with 1-on-1 than with a group.

I'm not the only one so maybe just scan some of your class for the next few days and see if there's anyone else you might strike up a friendship with.

[–]Toxic_Lord[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Maybe that's the case. I'll try when we can go to classes regularly again. Thanks man!

[–]peanutbutterjams 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

No problem! Hope it works out.

[–]UnHope20 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I am in a group of friends but there are many times where I feel like I'm it's most replaceable member.

This one hit close to home. I've been here. Hell I still find myself feeling like an outsider or a temporary fill-in.

Everyone seemed to be closer with each other than with me.

I can't say for sure what the solution is to this. I'm not even sure if it's an accurate perception. But I can tell you that another internet stranger is out here rooting for you.

If you ever want to talk, I'll listen.

[–]a-man-from-earth 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

This is very, very common among teenagers and young adults. And our society doesn't really make it any easier, especially on men. And pandemic restrictions make it so much worse.

Hang in there. It will get better.

Thing is, you need to make your own meaning. One of the easiest ways to do that is to volunteer: soup kitchen, animal shelter, boy scout troop leader, etc. As you are into coding, find an open source project and see how you can help them out. Organize a book club on Reddit, Discord, or Twitch (and IRL once that opens up again).

Also, while it can't replace human contact, a pet can give you a lot, especially a dog or a cat.

[–]Toxic_Lord[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

My apartment doesn't allow pets sadly...

I'm curious. How does one volunteer?

[–]a-man-from-earth 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

My apartment doesn't allow pets sadly...

That's such nonsense! How sad...

I'm curious. How does one volunteer?

If we're talking about local organizations like soup kitchens and animal shelters, look up whether they have a website with info about that, or just contact them directly and ask how you can help.

If we're talking about say open source projects, find out where they communicate about the project (IRC, mailing lists, Discord, forums, or whatever) and go and learn about what they do. Ask for directions to some simple tasks that a noob can do.

[–]SemiSkinned 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Life isn't special mate. You've got to try and find the fun where you can. Get yourself down the gym a few days a week. Grab a pint in a pub and talk to strangers. You'll be surprised who you meet and what you talk about

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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