Finding balance

2017-10-01T07:28:07+00:00

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disposable_pants · 2017-10-01T06:58:12+00:00

MRP fails miserably with their dread game

Of course you're going to have missteps when you're taking guys who have forgotten how to be attractive and trying to make them attractive again. That doesn't mean the theory isn't sound.

it's nothing but trying to negotiate desire

You've identified the problem perfectly. Dread game doesn't work when it's transparently done to get your partner to have sex with you. It works when the focus is on you becoming a better, more attractive person for the sake of your own development.

Say you're managing two employees. One makes it clear that he wants a raise, and says he'll do a good job at work if you give him a raise. Maybe you give in if your back is against the wall, but you really don't want to play the carrot and stick game forever; you want an employee who'll do the job well because that's their role in this whole employer-employee partnership. They other guy does his job well because he wants to be good at his job, and you know that if he starts applying to other companies he's not going to be around long. Which one are you more inclined to give a raise to?

fried_potato_brain · 2017-10-01T08:42:37+00:00

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nemma88 · 2017-10-01T09:28:52+00:00

What is wrong in a marriage as it relates to sex is a very personal thing. When I say that I mean there will be no one script fixes all solution.

I agree you can't negotiate desire. However desire can take a backseat to other issues, so I don't particularly agree dread is a negotiation on desire, and I don't think chore-play is negotiating desire. I believe both would work, depending on the circumstances, it's really about identifying the root cause of the issue.

If we strip away all the methodology stuff dread at it's core is fixing someone taking you for granted. Which happens a lot in long term relationships I'm sure. People get comfortable and at some point we are all just chugging along. This is a case dread could absolutely work. It's a swift kick up the ass signalling to get into gear.

But if lack of sex stems from libido being affected by stress, fatigue or resentment, which all have a multitude of underlying reasons, kicking isn't going to fix anything.

We also here talk about value being subjective. This adds another layer of complexity to 'pulling their weight' as for right or wrong, what one person sees as a valuable contribution another doesn't. Some people place more value in time over money and vise versa. Expectation on sex can also differ, and within the bell curve there isn't anyone in the 'wrong' so blame placing shouldn't come into it. Communication is king of relationship issues at the end of the day, and everyone has to be able to compromise. Whatever you think of marriage councilors their job is to facilitate these things, and many more people could do with a lesson in it.

Edit; My ideal equality is partners contributing roughly the same amount of time to the relationship in their respective roles , with allowances and considerations for more wearing work requiring more recharging time, and how much free time each is comfortable with.

rulenumber303 · 2017-10-01T10:07:59+00:00

I am quite a catch, far from rich, but in the top 1% of salary band, giving it all to my family

Neither of you is quite the catch you'd be if you hadn't had kids already. I mean just saying. You gotta be realistic about that.

Have you considered going to marriage counselling together? Not saying it will save your marriage but it often helps a few things get said. You've probably not got a particularly accurate idea how she is calculating what she gives, what she takes, what she has brought, what she has sacrificed. These things are probably important. Maybe there's things she feels she has contributed or given up that you haven't factored in or actually thought were a positive to her, maybe she has no idea of the full extent of what you feel you have given up. If you've both been calculating with different metrics for years it is possible to get in an awful mess of mutual resentment and disappointment while both acting in good faith.

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notworthmuch20xx · 2017-10-01T06:29:08+00:00

You can go purple pill

Sniveling_Cur · 2017-10-01T07:45:20+00:00

However, MRP fails miserably with their dread game, as it's nothing but trying to negotiate desire.

No, going to counseling is trying to negotiate desire. Dread game is "take it or leave it". It's the very opposite of negotiating.

I'm not going back to TRP, but damn, I'm not falling for the feminist agenda either. Where do I go.

/r/deadbedrooms until you learn to stop letting your stupid morality get in the way

jonascf · 2017-10-01T07:45:54+00:00

Where do I go.

Talk to your friends that have more harmonious relationships if you wanna try to fix it, otherwise just end it and aim for better luck in the next relationship.

FairlyNaive · 2017-10-01T07:48:51+00:00

R/relationships has a sound advice on this one - dump her

Pope_Lucious · 2017-10-01T08:44:09+00:00

Do you have kids?

Nemobeenfound · 2017-10-01T09:22:27+00:00

Where do I go.

Besides walking way from your toxic marriage? There's no pill for you here really. You really have to straddle the middle if that's what you want.

ClarityofDisaster · 2017-10-01T10:13:05+00:00

How long has your bedroom been dead (I'm assuming you mean "no sex" vs "infrequent sex")? Have you brought up the lack of sex to your wife, and if so what did she say? Does she acknowledge that it is a problem or does she dismiss it offhandedly?

Alth12 · 2017-10-01T10:31:36+00:00

I think you need a sort of come to Jesus talk with her. I'd say just put your thoughts in order, sit her down , ask her not to interrupt and spell all your misgivings out to her.

If you're open and honest about it, but still firm, and she reacts badly or ignores you, it'll at the least tell you where you stand and provide the clarity of knowing the relationship is pretty much over.

I'd then go for a trial separation and move out. Sometimes that can be enough that the person acting that way gets an awakening to the cost of their actions and starts to open up and make an effort.

cuittler · 2017-10-01T11:08:25+00:00

OP this is a debate sub, not for seeking personal advice.

Title	Finding balance
Author	fried_potato_brain
Upvotes	3
Comments	45
Date	October 1, 2017 6:25 AM UTC (8 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/73k64p/finding_balance/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/finding-balance.265862 https://theredarchive.com/post/265862

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