Today is upper body at the gym. Bench isn’t my strongest event nor one I like. Deadlift is my jam. About half way through the workout I’m supposed to do touch and go bench with a youcon or dufflo bar. For 11 reps. Two weeks ago before deload week I did 350. Today? I barely pushed out 225. Not cool. I seethed. I mean what could have stopped me. It wasnt that I didn’t have any gas. I was pumped to get under the bar today. Sleep solid, diet good, vitamins, water….after a bit I calmed down. Just powered through the rest of the work. Though most of it was also much lower than the last cycle. Afterwards I said my good byes and went to my car. Where I sat and took a moment to thank God for bringing me here today; teaching me humility, and to share this story. I Accepted what happened i still wasn’t sure why I didn’t hit my numbers.

A memory came up from college. I studied an art called iaido. It is the art of Japanese sword training. Iaido has a tradition called Tameshigiri, which is cutting of grass mats. These mats represent the resistance the human body would present to a sword. Look it up in YouTube. Many lessons Sensei Tokoyahima was trying to teach often come up for me.

Iaido is good training. It’s more than just sword. It teaches mental discipline, timing, distance. because if your focus is off you can hurt yourself. A lot of what I learned comes back even in My karate and BJJ. The katana is not a simple weapon to learn. Of the 7 eastern martial weapons I study the katana is perhaps the most difficult. It takes years of focus, dedication and discipline. I have scars from my first few months of using a live blade. Most schools you don’t get to touch a live blade for at least a year.

In a good dojo it will a be minimum 4 years to black belt, likely 5 because few people have time to get it all done in 4. For years I trained. Every day diligently. When time came for me to test for black I felt ready; well as much as you can.

Only those that have gone before a yudansha board understand that once in the pipeline one begins to realize exactly how much they don't know. Yudansha testing is typically once a year. Have a schedule conflict that you couldn't resolve? come back the next year.

Iaido tests in large batches in front of a board. Senior members from whatever style you are learning come to sit on the board. There were 15 this time, and you test in full open view of other teachers and students. No pressure right?

My kata was beautiful. I have to admit I was pretty good. I had spent many late hours on the mats, backyards, wherever I was I was training. I remember how focused I seemed. I was in the zone and the blade was singing....literally. Do it right and that blade will sing. Soon it was time for Tameshigiri.

This all happened in less then a second.

I approached the mat, performed a cut and…. my sword slide off. No cut. I had failed.

I went from hero to zero. I had let Sensei down, my dojo, myself….the list kept growing. The whole day shot. Four years out the window. I had no idea what I did wrong. I had done this a thousand times. Many grass mats had died by my hand.

Sensei came up to me. He was an older Japanese gentleman. He had that stern samurai countenance you hear about. I stood at attention awaiting what he would say. Sensei just looked at me and shrugged.

He said "Sometimes the it doesn't cut. If it cut every time people would think it was a trick."

Then he walked away. I thought the same thing you’re thinking. What?

All these years later I think what he was telling me that sometimes, you just fail and that's the way it is. There isn't always a lesson, or some higher noble purpose. Sometimes the sword doesn’t cut, but...that's no excuse to not try; to it not standup and keep going. Sometimes she isn’t going to respond even when you become alpha of alphas. Initiate sex with your spouse; if they reject you, know that you tried and they pushed you away; they failed. Analyze what you could have done better and move on. The only failure comes from not trying at all. It’s how you handle the situation. How you move forward that defines your masculinity.

Do you dwell there? Exist in that moment of failure, wallow in your self pity? Scream to God about how unfair it all is? What do you do?

Tomorrow I’ll wake up and get back under the bar.

By the by, I returned the following year and earned my back belt.