I am laying in a hotel room writing this.

After the conversation last night I stayed away from home all day not wanting to be anywhere near my husband. I got home a realized - I couldn’t do it.

So I walked out and here I am.

He called and asked where I was. I said I’m out at a hotel. He said “okay then have a nice time “.

I realized as I was trying to sleep at home that I haven’t received a single thing I have asked for.

I have : changed my spending habits (not even recently this is years of me having changed my ways), changed the level of cleanliness in the home (since I was home last year from work with the pandemic),wear makeup/do my hair 90% of the time, changed my eating habits, go to the church he would like the family to go to (not my favorite choice but respecting that), decorate the way he wants, have sex pretty much on his terms

I’ve asked for affection and intimacy. And I still don’t do enough to get that. But what I have gotten is being told that he looks at other women daily and thinks “yeah I could have sex with her”. And doesn’t see me in a sexual way.

I do not know what the next step is from here. I do know that he probably won’t apologize and he will probably say he wasn’t in the wrong. But that’s putting words into his mouth.

All I can think of is me over the last few years trying really hard to get his attention and this is really want he was thinking.