Staying Together for the Kids

katsumii · 2022-02-13T21:48:08+00:00

I don't have kids, but I support you.

My parents divorced when I was very young — 3 or 4, maybe — and subsequently, neither could take care of me and my two younger siblings. We were adopted by our maternal grandparents, who have been married since they were ~18 or 19 and are in their 70s now. 😁 I'm forever grateful to have our grandparents as sort of relationship role models, because they always supported each other while we were younger. They had their rough patches, but hey, they're still together now, and they love each other. I really admire that. I believe it's exactly what we needed as tiny little impressionable kids. I hope you and your husband can work out an amicable relationship, whatever that means for you.

orangerose18 · 2022-02-14T23:57:09+00:00

As a child of divorce, I am happy that my parents divorced when they did. My mom was fully capable of raising myself and my brother on her own (with the help of church sisters and neighbors on occasion). While I feel that I matured a little quicker than the ideal (I was 7, brother was 4) and I had a bit of an issue trusting my stepfather at first (I was 11), I think I turned out much happier and confident than I would have seeing my parents in a tense, loveless relationship. In contrast, my stepfather and mother are very loving towards each other and I think of my stepdad as “Dad” in most situations.

Some of my college classmates come from families where the parents are very cold towards each other and they grow up to have issues forming healthy trusting bonds. It is better to have a strong relationship with only one parent rather than see a loveless marriage modeled by both. That will be their first and lasting impression of marriage.

Having two parents sticking together is not necessary. Having stability is necessary. Whether that means raising them on your own, giving your husband most of the custody, or another permanent arrangement, it really does not affect the kids as much as you think it does. For me especially, mom was always the primary parent. She cooked, she helped me with homework, dad was peripheral. So dad leaving wasn’t a difficult adjustment. Shuffling the kids back and forth and having new stepsiblings in the same house will cause a lot of issues and insecurity.

safeashore1992 · 2022-02-13T18:37:02+00:00

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TheTwincessMaker · 2022-02-13T15:22:19+00:00

I commend your decision to stay, when it seems like you can do so civilly and with a happy home for your children. I was a child of divorce, but I also worked with teens for years and we vastly under sell the damage divorce does to families. I say that as a woman who married at 19 and divorced at 23, with no children. Divorce is tragic and if you can find a way to work things out, I do think it's worth it, assuming no one is in danger.

If you're finding yourself fantasizing about an old lover, I'd suggest you continue to avoid looking him up or connecting with him. Perhaps focus that energy on a new hobby or obsession. Find a book series or a TV show you love, take up painting or gardening or crochet. Don't look him up on social media and don't look at your relationship through rose-colored glasses. You broke up for a reason.

hipopper · 2022-02-13T20:08:18+00:00

Your commitment is honorable and selfless. Just wanted to support you.

Specialist_Orange946 · 2022-02-13T22:50:21+00:00

It’s wonderful you’re making this decision for the children. I’m very fortunate that my parents did the same thing. They were not always happy together, but they provided stability that I needed to feel secure exploring the world. They also showed me that real life relationships aren’t perfect. Sorry don’t have much concrete advice but just wanted to add to other voices commending your decision!

OkraGarden · 2022-02-13T20:01:55+00:00

I love my husband but I do know couples who stayed together for the kids. The kids were much better off for it, and in several cases the love between the couple returned.

Divorce is one of the most damaging things that can happen to a child. Even if you end up deciding to split after your children reach adulthood, the impact is much less severe than if you had broken up the family when they were still young.

I highly recommend every couple read the book Primal Loss before deciding to divorce. They need to have their eyes wide open about the fallout to make an informed decision about whether the costs of leaving will be worth it. When there is no abuse present, staying together is typically the best choice for all involved including the mother. The grass is often not greener on the other side. At least half go on to regret the divorce and up to 80% feel less happy afterward even if they don't necessarily regret leaving.

Primal Loss: The Now-Adult Children of Divorce Speak https://smile.amazon.com/dp/0997989319/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_glt_i_1Z4CZ8M6JMF0KBB81Z4W

Certain-Cook-8885 · 2022-02-14T23:17:05+00:00

Yeah nothing is healthier for a child than stewing in the tension of a loveless marriage every day of their lives.

Positive-Court · 2022-03-08T02:35:19+00:00

It depends. My mom wanted to divorce my Dad when I was a teen. I couldn't stand that idea and so constantly reinforced to her how amazing my Dad is. Eventually, she got over it and realized that he genuinely loved her. She reaffirms his good qualities to herself when she struggles. It sucked for me personally, as I played the role of marriage counselor. There was that one memorable time when she exclaimed angrily I was just like my father (which is really hurtful when she wanted to leave him).

He did genuinely love her though, and alot of her issues came from a couple of her friends divorcing, her siblings and parents having issues with him, his personality quirks being extremely aggravating (we've since deduced he's got some mix of ADHD and Autism. My mom got books and it's helped her understand him along with my similarly aggrieved siblings. She also started standing up to her families opinions more). I don't blame her for wanting to divorce him. I'm his daughter, so it was easy for me to see where he was coming from. Judging from how zero of his siblings (of which he was 1 of 7) made a marriage last, being married to him must be hard.

Cheating would be harder, but you may be able to work it out. I'd find a marriage counselor to work out issues though.

Title	Staying Together for the Kids
Author	safeashore1992
Upvotes	17
Comments	16
Date	February 13, 2022 3:36 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWives
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWives/comments/sr94jd/staying_together_for_the_kids/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWives/staying-together-for-the-kids.1100950 https://theredarchive.com/post/1100950

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