Am I doing enough?

okayestwifey · 2018-05-15T15:36:44+00:00

It sounds like the best thing you could possibly do is just make sure that home is a calm, happy place to be for him. More than just dinner and sex, if you have kids keep them well-behaved if possible, pets taken care of, etc. More than anything, show him how grateful you are that he is busting his ass for you.

What would be "being there" for you isn't what "being there" for him means. Women like to vent our problems just for its own sake, and "talking" IS helpful in itself for us. For men, unless you can actually solve his work stress (which you can't, presumably), it's pointless to tell you about it. For him, sharing the stress just makes it like it's happening again. I felt similarly to you when I first started implementing this way of thinking, that "omg, he's just bottling things up and disconnecting," but that might be what he actually needs more. As long as he knows you're there IF he does want to share, that's enough.

loneliness-inc · 2018-05-15T20:45:47+00:00

I used to ask how his day went, because I'm genuinely curious about his job and I thought I was helping him get things off his chest.

The premise behind your original thought - to ask him about his day so he can talk it out - is that talking something out is 1. Calming and 2. A way to connect to the listener.

This is how women do it, that's why it didn't work for him! For men, talking is a way to solve problems and you aren't in a position to solve his work problems nor does he want to bring his work problems home. Therefore, talking about his day is exhausting! I know that may sound strange, but it's still true.

Here's what you should do IMO.

Keep the house as neat and clean as you can.
Make him homemade meals at home and to take to work.
Appreciation and gratitude.
When he comes home, tell him how excited you are to see him. Greet him at the door with a lingering kiss and a full body hug. Try to get a mini make out session going. Then settle him in the couch and give him space to decompress. Give him as much space as he needs.
Listen if he wants to talk, but don't prod. Allow him to leave work matters out of the house.
Keep yourself looking good for him. Dress elegant or sexy for when he comes home. Occasionally, greet him at the door in lingerie or even naked.

All this is to make the you and the home a soft landing place for him, a safe space from the stressors of work.

HB3234 · 2018-05-15T19:18:52+00:00

Don't forget to show him your admiration. Men want and need to feel that you think they're successful, strong, brave, manly.

NewMindRedPill · 2018-05-17T15:02:35+00:00

The best thing that has helped me was asking, at the end of the day in bed, what was his favorite moment of the day.

I never ask about his stressful day which would bring back the negativity and associate it with me. I only ask about his favorite moment. Its now become a tradition, something we ask each other everynight. His day is so stressful that 99% of the time his favorite moment involves me. Lol This I also take as a bit of feedback and I remember the thing I did or moment that made him so happy.

Relationship Status: 1 year together, looked at engagement rings a week ago. ;)

JackSkell0255 · 2018-05-15T18:59:08+00:00

He's not bottling it up, he's compartmentalizing- which I believe is a masculine trait.

Sort of like not multi-tasking, which I have read in more than one place can be a masculine trait.

When he (and I) come home, if we're lucky, most (if not all) of our work thoughts have left us. I realize that good women are interested in support and are curious about our day (particularly in view of seeing if you can be of service), but a method of controlling stress is compartmentalization.

I realized this, and explain this to any current co-habitant (serial monogamist here). Makes things smoother. I consider it a way to save pushing off work stress to her, and consider it to be a favor and benefit to her.

Plus, home life gets my full attention that way. That's better, isn't it?

W0lfgangster · 2018-05-16T08:40:58+00:00

I can tell you with absolute certainty that he is fine.

“Love is like quicksilver in the hand. Leave the fingers open and it stays. Clutch it and it darts away.”

Amonette2012 · 2018-05-16T18:58:10+00:00

I find that my husband gets over a stressful day at work fastest if I give him some space. If I'm around the living room when he gets in I'll usually go sit on the porch for a bit or do some work in my office and let him decompress. I'll usually ask him one or two questions about his day if I know he had something on, like if he had a big meeting I'd ask him how it went, or if he mentioned something happening in the office that he was interested in I might go 'hey so did xyz bring their dog in today? ' or whatever, but I tend to do that after he's had some chill time. He does the same with me when I've got my head into work, it seems to work well. Sometimes he'll come home full of some news he wants to share or with a bug on that he wants to talk about, and then I'll stay in the kitchen and chat to him about it, but I can usually tell by looking at his face whether he's in the mood for a conversation or a nap on the couch.

I think sometimes you can do too much to de-stress other people when really they just need a little alone time. Otherwise you can make 'being a husband' or 'being a wife' feel like a chore.

Title	Am I doing enough?
Author	LaurelWoods93
Upvotes	31
Comments	22
Date	May 15, 2018 3:16 PM UTC (8 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/8jmd58/am_i_doing_enough/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/am-i-doing-enough.2843 https://theredarchive.com/post/2843

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