Am I off base here?

IanIronwood · 2014-09-06T01:36:25+00:00

No, I see your frustration. That's where your inclination toward extremes originates. It's perfectly natural and understandable. And yeah, orgasms rock.

There is nothing wrong with a woman asserting her sexual needs in a marraige. Far from it - one of the benefits of a good Red Pill marriage, from the man's perspective, is the increase in libido his wife usually demonstrates. And . . . at certain points in the process suddenly it really does threaten to be a disparity in desire. When a RP wife needs to get her oil chainged, there's no rule saying you can't encourage him to change it. Aggressively, even. A woman asserting her sexual power in a relationship to fulfill her own needs, irrespective of her husband's, is part of the complex intersexual equation that evolves in a good, stable RP marriage.

When a man displays reluctance, there can be many different reasons, only one of which is him not finding you attractive anymore (usually the first stop on the emotional reaction to the reluctance). That being said, when a woman puts concerted effort into a sexual display in order to allure her husband to bed, a wise man will cooperate enthusiastically with her.

The OP is right, there is a balance that needs to be met. Men initiate sex about 70% of the time. That means 30% of the time they don't. It's your turn. A couple of quick and dirty (emphasis on the latter) suggestions:

If mornings are difficult to orgasm, grab the vibrator FIRST for a change. Instead of leaping straight to penetration, insist on performing for him, all the way to the endzone. After you get your cookies, he can splash around in your dopamine soup until you're both satisfied.
Ambush him. Find some excuse to seclude him from the public. Ensure you wont be disturbed. Start taking off your clothes. He should clue in.
(An old Game fave) Agree & Amplify. He wants a BJ? Make it worthwhile. Tell him that you'll be glad to . . . in the car at the top of an empty parking deck. In the coat room at the wedding reception you picked at random. After spending half an hour trying on ridiculously expensive jewelry that you have no desire or inclination to actually buy (this could be dangerous - but I've seen the effect $10,000 worth of diamond necklace can have on a woman. It's worth the risk).

The point is to encourage him to engage you sexually in a broader way. Sex is an extension of the complete marital conversation into your intimate life. You both need to learn how to engage and direct each other sexually, within the context of understanding and exploring your own desires. Part of this is learning how to challenge each other sexually

This is far more important than you might think. It's natural to crave novel sexual stimulation after being in a relationship. Ignore these feelings and they combust into infidelity or sexual dysfunction as you struggle to understand what's happening. The industry-standard answer to this is, honestly, to throw porn at the problem and hope it clears up. That can work, in some cases.

But as a couple you have to understand your sexuality in the context of your entire adult lives together. Finding ways to challenge him sexually, and allowing him the freedom to challenge you, is an especially important part of this process. While both parties are naturally fighting for sexual equilibrium in a relationship, the practical fact of the matter is that reaching that point is an ephemeral thing. Things don't evolve toward perfection - they bump into perfection on the way down the chaotic street of our lives.

Good RP marriages actively seek out ways to improve and expand the sexual lives of both husband and wife. That doesn't mean going right for the whips and chains - save something for retirement - but in the mean time investing in the intimacies you share will pay huge dividends later.

It's not about what he wants vs. what you want. You're both in the same boat. Learn to paddle together, or you'll end up going in circles. And if mama wants her num nums, a good Captain recognizes that and . . . num nums.

Hope this helps.

Ian

Bakerofpie · 2014-09-06T01:04:55+00:00

Most of the answers sound like sex isn't that important to them but is important to their husbands, so they do whatever they can to keep them pleased. Sex is more important to me than it is to my husband. And it isn't JUST about the orgasm. I cannot and will not continue to meet someone's sexual needs while they refuse to do anything to address my own over a long term.

Sex is incredibly important, and perhaps some women don't have many needs and can be perfectly content satisfying a partner and getting solo gratification on the side, but for me this would be serious enough to end a marriage if it truly didn't change. That said, it doesn't really sound like you're handling this in the best way - as in, the way that will get you the results you want. Turning him down with his already low drive is only going to make the problem worse.

Have you tried offering other alternatives like shower sex? "I don't want to blow you because you've left me unsatisfied lately" is guaranteed not to achieve good results, but "I love pleasing you so much it gets me turned on too. Can we move this to the shower?" might work better, or at the very least not emasculate and blame him for a libido he can't control. Does he absolutely refuse sex every evening? When did his sex drive change? Was there a major change in your lives that caused his sex drive to plummet? Does he show any sort of motivation or seem to care at all about your pleasure, and if not has it always been that way?

The sexual chemistry has to stay in tact in order for a marriage to work. And though it may be tempting, shutting down completely is only going to further dissolve the chemistry you once had.

lostatsea93 · 2014-09-05T22:37:28+00:00

I know this isn't very RPW, but I was in a similar situation recently.

It was the elephant in the room. I wasn't emotional or needy about it. I simply told him that I love him, I appreciate him but X is important to me in my sex life. I understand if he doesn't want to do X, but I won't be going the rest of my life without it. And I would appreciate him telling me up front if it is never going to change, so we both have a chance to find partners more sexually compatible.

It has since changed.

TL;DR: I recommend being upfront, honest and non emotional or reactive about it. But first determine if it is a true deal breaker for you. And, if it is, be firm about it. That means leaving if it doesn't change.

EDIT: It's worth noting that I regularly rock his world. How do I know? Because he tells me. I'm very sexually generous with him.

PS. I'm in SoCal :)

norcaligirl · 2014-09-05T23:01:56+00:00

[permanently deleted]

_wingnut_ · 2014-09-05T23:57:36+00:00

You are completely off base. Your orgasm is not the end all and be all of sex, bonding with your husband and taking care of his needs are very important. Refusing to give him blowjobs is just simply rejecting him. You are being tit-for-tat and nasty and vindictive. Refusing sex in marriage is one of the cruelest things a woman can do to a man. Get a vibrator and use it during sex if you can't stand not getting off.

ayvyns · 2014-09-06T00:14:15+00:00

So you feel used and unappreciated. Have you tried communicating this in a non accusatory manner? Maybe he's eager to fuck in the morning because that's when it's easy to stay hard. You can blow him in the evening without finishing and then have penetration. Is his job draining? What are other things he does for your relationship? What are you contributing?

PhantomDream09 · 2014-09-06T00:29:47+00:00

You have a horrible attitude, and your behavior is entirely unacceptable. Have you suggested introducing a toy to help him in the morning? If you turn him down and his drive is low - that is a really quick way to get him to stop trying all together. You should want to engage in more sex (whatever the form) - not punish him when he does want to be intimate. It's this kind of "me first" mentality that kills a lot of bedrooms.

HappyWifeLife · 2014-09-06T00:01:44+00:00

why dont you get a toy and help yourself. vindictive bitch.

norcaligirl · 2014-09-06T00:52:43+00:00

So you have a problem with orgasming, and you punish and reject your husband for it. I loled

PhantomDream09 · 2014-09-06T01:26:54+00:00

http://www.reddit.com/r/RedPill_Couples/comments/22iwzl/submitting_after_your_husband_makes_major_mistakes/

No wonder your husband has a low drive. You, and other family members blamed him for the financial issues. You can't say "I'm going to let you be in charge, but only when things are coming up roses." If he messed up, I'm sorry that happened, but you have to make sure that you don't have any residual resentment, that you aren't actively second guessing him, or trying to make him feel bad. From what I can tell, the financial difficulties set in, and then his libido tanked - there's almost certainly a connection there. I'm sure he's beating himself up over this. You need to quadruple your efforts to be supportive, loving, and show that you trust him. No one is perfect, and if you can't stick by his side through calm and rocky waters - then you don't know what it means to be a good First Mate.

Look at how you talk about the bedroom issues - you blame him for this. It's his fault, and you have every right to be mad and withhold sexual intimacy. Do you see how entitled that sounds? Do you see how damaging this tit-for-tat score keeping nonsense is?

Title	Am I off base here?
Author	norcaligirl
Upvotes	5
Comments	47
Date	September 5, 2014 10:33 PM UTC (11 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/2fla3g/am_i_off_base_here/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/am-i-off-base-here.165739 https://theredarchive.com/post/165739

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