Difference in moral values in a LTR

Wife_and_Mama · 2023-05-19T20:13:35+00:00

I love him but I’m worried for our future, because he doesn’t seem to have a long term plan for himself financially. I don’t need ambition but the reliability aspect in terms of financial planning doesn’t seem to be there. He never finishes what he starts and hangs out with friends who seemingly ditches their joint projects midway.

This seems to be the root issue. You say you don't require ambition, but that doesn't seem to be true. This man works harder at finding loopholes than he does legitimate success. It's okay to have a problem with that, especially if it's a new development and would have originally been a dealbreaker.

Based on your post, it seems you've shared your feelings and he's not overly concerned. The base level ambition required to sustain a decent job, potentially getting promoted one day, and maintain a stable financial situation is not an unreasonable must-have. It doesn't sound like he has much interest in changing his ways. You may have to decide if this is behavior you can accept long-term. If you want children, he'll be setting this example, no matter which bothers you more.

free_breakfast_ · 2023-05-19T21:49:46+00:00

These are a few personal vetting strategies for the quality and skills of people that I want around me in order to accomplish my life goals.

Unshakeable Integrity: Can I trust that if I left a large sum of money or needed to leave my SO in their care and left for a large amount of time that nothing bad would happen (this includes cheating and lying on morally grey areas)
Open Candor: The ability and skill to have hard conversations and diplomatically but directly discuss uncomfortable topics that are important
4E + 1P: Energy, Energizing, Edge, Execution, plus Passion. I appreciate intelligence, competency, skillful soft/hard power, but if they are critical, contemptful, defensive, and de-energizing when stressed/fatigued or in a superior position - that's a no
Social Circle and Vetting Skills: Who do they allow in their life and what is the quality of the people they keep closest? Are their friends competent and successful? Or do they have a predisposition to lying, cheating, keeping unhealthy relationships around them. If their standards are weak it leads to weak social tribes and families/communities
Family background, childhood, educative years, work: People cannot control where and how they started in life, but who they become and the experiences they take away from these formative years is critical to learn about. Childhood experiences, past relationships, employment experiences, etc. there's a story behind it and it pays to get to know the filtered and unfiltered versions and who they became from those experiences

Initial relationships are easy to fake out, but having conversational deep dives where you're screening for social meta data and quality time together in a variety of situations where you can see them under stress, challenge, and encountering obstacles can reveal deeper character.

brushshstrokes · 2023-05-19T21:19:01+00:00

That's definitely a red flag, yeah

Lea_Ugly_Lea · 2023-05-20T20:50:48+00:00

I mean, I don't live in US, but if you play with loopholes, you risk to get caught and severely fined/black listed. I understand the desire to save, but you are right, it is now a moral issue between you and him.

never finishes what he starts and hangs out with friends who seemingly ditches their joint projects midway.

I found this way more problematic than the actual saving by playing games. If he has no ability to finish things or hangs out with friends who are very casual/chaotic and do not elevate him or help him in his projects, the chances he can ditch stuff halfway at home are very high.

Maybe worth to work on that first and the weird loopholes.

AutoModerator · 2023-05-19T17:27:57+00:00

Title: Difference in moral values in a LTR

Full text: I’m a seasoned RPW (been on this sub for many years) in a LTR for over 2 years. It’s so far very good and committed, and we have discussed marriage in detail. Except I’m struggling with a recurring conflict that has popped up recently. Im looking for a solution other than to break up, but am seriously considering it. I’m back on this sub for sound advice.

Basically my partner grew up poor and has a mentality of operating in the grey areas of the law in order to save on money. It does not seem outright illegal, but makes me very uncomfortable because he seems to brag about how clever he is in finding these loopholes. An example is exploiting a flaw in someone’s website (not hacking) in order to register and apply 50% off promo codes. Another example is editing his address on official documents to show a different location, in order to get a discount (not actually submitting the document through an official portal but the equivalent of photo shopping your bank address, flashing it at Walmart to get a discount).

I don’t know if I’m overreacting but the way he rationalizes it and brags about it makes me think he is susceptible to eventually committing actual fraud. I am very worried and he says once he is rich he will no longer do such things.

I see this as a moral issue. Everything else with us is good but we differ a lot on this. I’m also worried because instead of spending his smarts on working hard, he is instead using his smarts to cut corners like this. I love him but I’m worried for our future, because he doesn’t seem to have a long term plan for himself financially. I don’t need ambition but the reliability aspect in terms of financial planning doesn’t seem to be there. He never finishes what he starts and hangs out with friends who seemingly ditches their joint projects midway.

This also seems to be a recent event rather than a red flag I saw at the start, and he’s failed at a couple of things lately. So I can’t tell if this is just a phase, or a red flag. I’ve spoken to him about it and he understands but thinks I take life too seriously, and is starting to call me annoying. I’m really worried. What should I do?

Again I stress, everything else is good and he’s really loving towards me.

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itburnsss45 · 2023-05-20T23:38:51+00:00

But could it be a phase? You mentioned he failed a few ventures lately. And growing up poor this can really hit hard. Is he kind of getting to a point of desperation? Because when you get desperate you start making bad decisions, taking risks, cutting corners and for some people, not completely obeying the law. Maybe he's feeling a bit down and bitter toward finances and this is a way of coping?

chickennogget · 2023-05-27T15:28:32+00:00

So he is essentially lying and bragging about the fact that he is lying? I think your gut feeling on this is right. This is about the principle and not the outcome of using some coupon. The fact that he think's you're annoying for calling him out on it is also worrying. And the mental gymnastics to justify it because of growing up poor instead of taking accountability to do the right thing... I think your worry is very very defensible.

Title	Difference in moral values in a LTR
Author	TranslatedSky
Upvotes	11
Comments	10
Date	May 19, 2023 5:27 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/13m21o5/difference_in_moral_values_in_a_ltr/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/difference-in-moral-values-in-a-ltr.1219760 https://theredarchive.com/post/1219760

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