Have I become too intimidating?

p3ndulum · 2013-08-18T15:35:19+00:00

general comment:

it strikes me with these questions from earnest women that in its weird way feminism has not only devalued every aspect of being female, but it has pumped up the value of everything masculine so much that it now only values the masculine in WOMEN. how bizarre is it that a "womens movement" called "FEMINism" has turned women into men? if anything, it should be called masculinism

inkedpink · 2013-08-18T14:05:43+00:00

What exactly needs to be fixed? If dating isn't a viable option at the moment, just focus on finishing up your year of service then start seeing men when you're settled.

You could benefit from dropping the whole "too intimidating to date" thing though. That attitude will get you no where with the opposite sex.

MegMartinson · 2013-08-18T17:15:37+00:00

Some advice based on experience of family members currently or in past military service:

First, I presume you are an officer based on "more money" and that you have been in since 2008.

Do NOT fraterinize, especially romantically (sexually) with enlisted.
Do NOT involve any personnel (officers) in your command (my father would say: branch of service) in any romantic involvement. Find potential partners outside of the military, even if it means driving an hour or more to get away from your duty station.
Build separate civilian and military personas to the extent that required military hair styles permit. Your civilian persona, clothing, hairstyle (if possible) should be as feminine as you can make it. Work on your personal demeanor as a civilian female "on the hunt" to make yourself attractive.
Cultivate an interest in something not related to the military that can serve as a hobby: something that men like if you expect to find a partner via mutual interests. Show your feninine side by having a feminine hobby or interest, even if you cannot practice it in your military persona while on your duty station.

My sister (enlisted, msgt) is coming up on 20-and-out. She's thinking of going 30-and-out because she likes military service. She long ago recognized that for a woman, a military career makes romance, married life very difficult. She devotes her life to her career, much to the disappointment to my parents.

Whisper · 2013-08-18T17:10:53+00:00

It has come to my attention that I may be too intimidating of a person to date.

First of all, what's very unattractive to men is insulting them. To say that men are "intimidated" if they don't want to date you is suggesting that they are fearful or timid. As you must know from being in the military, that's the worst possible insult to a man.

How attractive would I be if I suggested that any woman who wasn't attracted to me was "a giant slut"? Not very? Right.

Well, that's what you're doing.

Men aren't afraid of a woman who is unmasculine. They uninterested in a woman who's unmasculine.

They don't want a woman who competes with them, not because they are afraid of losing, but because they don't want an SO that competes with them.

They're already tough, already competitive, already masculine. What do you have to offer that they do not have for themselves?

You're not scary. You're just unattractive.

What can I do in the meantime considering I wasted most of my good years backpacking in the sand? How can I fix it?

You can't fix it.

The past cannot be changed. You can only change who you are in the future. There are plenty of resources here on learning how to be feminine.

inkedpink · 2013-08-18T14:44:33+00:00

you arent intimidating, you are unattractive to men. i do not mean by this that you arent pretty, you might look like a model, but as a whole package that doesnt make you relationship material. calling it "intimidating" is very self serving because it places the burden of the fact that youve made yourself unattractive to most men on the men and not on you.

inkedpink · 2013-08-18T14:01:50+00:00

The feminine attracts the masculine. If you're questioning it, you've lost femininity.

GayLubeOil · 2013-08-21T08:18:39+00:00

If your diction is anything like your writing then you probably speak in a military manner.

angeliswastaken · 2013-08-21T16:39:57+00:00

I don't like the term "intimidating" as it infers that men are scared of your masculinity, when I feel the case is that they are unattracted to your masculinity. Not to say you personally are unattractive, but the masculine qualities you acquire through survival and success as a woman in military service are off putting to men.

I applaud you for your success in your career, but you will never be a successful military officer AND a successful wife and mother. Both endeavors require more than 50% of your efforts, and unfortunately you don't have more than 100% of yourself to give. One of the ways feminism is harmful to women is that it would like to teach us that this is a failing, when it is not. All people have to make choices, there is no such thing as "having it all". You can have a job and be a wife and mother, but you cant have a career and be a wife and mother. Its not possible and millions of women are miserable trying. If you do wish to become a wife and mother in the next five years, giving up this career path is a must.

That said, its not too late or too early to begin making small changes that will positively impact the future you desire. My advice would be to take this next year and embrace your femininity. The largely male environment in which you live and work has the effect of subduing your natural feminine tendencies. I would suggest you actively combat this, and work on the aspects of your womanhood that your career has forced you to put aside these last few years. Find some women who are healthy and happy in their roles as wives and girlfriends and make them friends. Improve your cooking. Learn to sew. Take a massage class. When you are off duty, make an effort to dress and make yourself up in a more feminine way. Being in the military (and deployed especially) can really be a drag on the time you take with your personal appearance. Those uniforms and sock buns are not sexy, so start branching out. You Tube is full of makeup and hair tutorials for every face and head. Take stock of your composure and the way you speak. As a female officer, you are likely louder and more masculine in your tone of voice than the average woman, so in non professional interactions endeavor to be more light and demure.

In a year when your contract is up, leave the military and get a civilian job. Keeping your job is no problem, but make sure its a job and not your priority over creating a family for yourself. Find a location you like (near family if they are a healthy influence, family is important) and create moderate stability for yourself. Get an apartment, not a house. This will show a potential mate that although you are self sufficient, you have not yet settled down and are willing to enter his world rather than forcing him to enter yours. Ideally you will blend your lives, but a woman with too much stability will attract men who want a mommy, or repel dominant men. The amount of money you make even in a civilian career will likely be substantial, but if you don't make an issue of it and live in an acceptable way (no Mariah Carey type closet surprises) a man secure in himself will not care. I make it a rule that my income is my business and unless you are considering cohabitation, its no one else's.

I hope this helps. You seem like an intelligent accomplished woman and from your responses in this thread I can tell that you are not arrogant and are willing to grow. Those qualities alone put you WAY ahead of the game. I think you will find what you want in life. Hopefully TRP will help you get there.

Good luck.

ruinmaker · 2013-08-18T22:46:40+00:00

I know I'm coming in late to the party here but hopefully late advice is as useful as early.

Reading through you're responses I'm trying to break this (you) down into individual issues that can be address. If I miss a major chunk of your essence, it's either because I'm blind or you haven't highlighted it. Either way, it's an opportunity for one of us to learn something new about internet communication.

So, I'm seeing some challenges you seem to perceive, the ones I think may exist and the ones commenters have noted (may as well take advantage of being late):

Geographical instability
Financial imbalance
Limited dating pool
Unfeminine appearance
Unfeminine attitude

Geography
Your job sounds a little chaotic for the next year. If you reenlist, more chaos, if you find a civside job then it'll be easier once you find a general geography. So that geographical instability likely will be intimidating to a partner. But, then, you should be surrounded by people dealing with that in the military all the time. It's not fun but it's doable. This gives you an immediate couple of choices doesn't it? If you decide to go civilian, then maybe you can hold off on the hardcore dating until you're out. If you reenlist then you're going to have to come up with a strategy to meet people. OK, my geography answer is mediocre. It's not my strong suit. I've always met someone where I was and then we decided if things were going well enough to move together when that time came. I have known people who have met (usually on the internet) someone who lives very far away and that bond became strong enough for one of them to move. That takes some careful vetting to make sure you're not just seeing the happy side of them on the net/phone/visits and actually getting to know their core. There. Slightly better answer.

Financial imbalance
This is a big issue with perception. Salary is often taken to mean "goodness as a person." Trust me, there are some very good, solid, hard working, low paid schoolteachers out there. Some of them are so hard-core they pass up on the opportunity to make more money so they can keep doing the damn job they want to do. There is often a perception that the man should be making the most money. I'd say, able to keep a job and interested in doing so is a better barometer. You're measuring their character not their ability to pull down cash. So long as they're contributing significantly to your mutual funds (and you're both doing OK) then you shouldn't have the financial stress and should be able to focus on the daily challenges.

Limited Dating Pool
So, I mentioned the schoolteacher example. I think there are plenty of accomplished people out there. The trick, as always, is finding them. There are doctors, PhDs, teachers, lawyers, small business owners, etc. professions out there that take considerably moxie to do. Ideally, you're not judging someone based on employment but that will give you an idea of what they've been through to get where they are. A doctor/lawyer/"high-stress professional" will likely have a "I have one night a week to go out" kind of schedule for example. A PhD at a university may have a "I write late a night most days but I will make one day a week available to look for a mate" schedule. A PhD at a company could be anywhere in between. The schoolteacher will have more time off but still may have some terrible grading/lesson prep to do in their unpaid-but-still-working time.

That's just classifying people by employment. More than likely you'll find you have a set of criteria that you like in people. You mentioned liking the arts and intelligence. Generally, an intelligent person should be able talk about anything (well most things) on a level to keep your mind turning over. An intelligent person who has succeeded in their field will likely be somewhat assertive in it. They've learned that much at least. If you make it clear that some level of spine is a necessity in a partner the smart ones who are on the fence (I'm thinking the introvert who generally doesn't speak up but has learned to do so when necessary) will know what to do. The ones who are worth it will jump the rest you don't need to worry about. The flip side is that "already alpha" types. They'll know what they want as well and you have to see if you fit that. Not to a T but in a general sense. If he's looking for an exact fit, move on even if you think you fit. That kind doesn't know what they want or wants a trophy. Either way, bad news.

From my Limited Geography bullet, I mentioned the internet. It's possible to forge a relationship that way. Extra caveats apply but the trick (I think) is to treat it like a real relationship. Make dates and keep them. Put effort in. Watch the same movies while you're on the phone, whatever. Really stretch to know each other and find ways to show that.

Unfeminine appearance
I left this one for later since it's easy on the surface. First off, you look fine. Short hair is fine. An intense demeanor is fine. Tattoos that are acceptable in the military are fine for the rest of life. If someone likes you for you, they're not going to care about an arm tat. Sure facial tattoos may be a mark of bad judgement at some point but yours sound pretty normal. If you're worried about them, cover them at first and let that out once they've made their initial impression. A first impression is like drawing the plans for a house. Stuff that comes after tends to fill in the plans but it takes a big event to cause the plan to change. So, if you show the tats later on, they'll just use that as a way to better know you rather than forecasting your character based on it. Many men like a bit of makeup/girly clothes/shoes despite the whole "you look wonderful naturally" thing. However, you have to decide how you feel about those things. If it's something you can have a bit of fun with, go nuts. If it's a chore, find the minimum that you feel makes you look good and learn how to do that well. If it's done well, you won't be advertising someone who doesn't care, just someone who has a specific look. That being said, have a "totally done up" look that you can do because everyone likes to know their partner made a special effort for a special occasion.

Unfeminine attitude
I remember reading a western woman's account of sex in an asian country. The expectation the men had was that the woman would lie like a dead fish and the man did all the movements. She, of course, took it more like a partnership and the man often felt like he was having gay sex in a heterosexual situation. It threw him off. She noted the same things in public relationships as well. So, yes, it can throw men off when a woman is assertive. However, it sounds like you want someone who can handle assertive or, at least, can ramp up to it. I always think of dating as something where you shouldn't be hiding anything but you don't need to show everything at once. You're a whole lot of woman and you're looking for a whole lot of man. It takes a while to figure either of those things out so it's OK if you take some time to show everything to him. Like I said about the tattoos, you may want to tone down your assertiveness a bit so that the on-the-fencers have a chance to adapt. Unlike the tattoos, don't hide it entirely. Your personality is part of the core of your being. You want them to be generally OK with that right off the bat. Later dates you can be more forward but communication is key. Tell him this is a part of you that you're not sure how men react to. Let him know it's there so he'll consciously think about it. He may flee when he hears that and, if he does that is just time you've saved.

tl;dr OK... I feel like I've rambled through a gigantic wall of text to say the basic relationship things: Be yourself, love yourself, communication is key, make an effort, evaluate your partner and yourself at the same time and be prepared to do some extra work to keep periods apart from causing trouble. Hey, the usual stuff applies here, you just have to adapt it to your specific situation.

terretsforever · 2013-08-19T02:17:25+00:00

Try getting into a nonsexual but intimate relationship. Boyfriend or girlfriend just someone who you can sit and just vent to hours upon hours. Someone who's shoulder you can cry on. Maybe even someone from the internet.

crankypants15 · 2013-08-29T12:51:00+00:00

Guy here. Most guys would be intimidated by you because they are (wrongfully) taught that their biggest worth is how much money they make. They are taught, either consciously, or unconsciously, that if they make less money than a woman, that they are weak and unwanted. This issue does not bother me. In fact I love a strong, successful woman. But don't assume I'm submissive either, I'm not.

The other problem is, I can't have a relationship if my SO is disappearing for 6 months at at time. I need time with her. For a long-term relationship I need "skin time" with her because I need intimacy with her. I get intimacy from sex. Even in an open relationship I need intimacy with my SO, not some stranger. Intimacy for me, is about sharing my most vulnerable part of me with her. During sex we are both physically naked and emotionally naked. At least that's how I like it, no holds barred.

What can I do in the meantime considering I wasted most of my good years backpacking in the sand? How can I fix it?

Find a more stable position where you stay where you are. Or find someone who is ok with LDR.

Title	Have I become too intimidating?
Author	inkedpink
Upvotes	13
Comments	84
Date	August 18, 2013 1:38 PM UTC (12 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/1klrf6/have_i_become_too_intimidating/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/have-i-become-too-intimidating.83954 https://theredarchive.com/post/83954

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