I love my fiance, and I want to be the best wife I can for him.

I come from a history of horrid abuse, beginning as a child, then I was trafficked and following that, in an abusive relationship.

After I had time to heal, it was like it was meant to be. I met my partner, and was enamored of him from day one. Six years later we are slowly planning a wedding. I just finished a university degree, and didn't want to plan it during my studies. I have been in therapy for quite a few years now, but they said I have complex post traumatic stress disorder, which is different from regular PTSD and may always be prevalent in some form.

This makes me an awful wife around the house. I never lived in a tidy, well kept home growing up. I'm still learning how to keep the house clean and presentable, and I'm doing an awful job at it. I am utterly devoted to my fiance, I make his favourite meals, I give him shoulder rubs after long days, and I care for his laundry so he doesn't have to stress about it.

I want to be what he deserves, but I feel like this trauma holds me back. I have spent years in therapy, so am still working on this. I know it's a work in progress, but the panic attacks and depression get so overwhelming. He's incredibly patient, and so kind when I'm unwell like that. He's an absolute gem.

I guess I'm just looking for reassurance from others that have similar experiences, that it does improve and things do become manageable.

I'm already reading The Surrendered Wife and it has been life changing. I realised I was not only controlling my own contribution to the relationship, but his as well, due to fear of vulnerability and anxiety. Since handing that over, and telling him I trust him to make decisions, it has been incredible seeing our relationship glow.

I'm aware that due to my extensive trauma that I lack the emotional skills needed to raise a child, and he is comfortable with doting upon our nieces and nephews. He genuinely wants kids in his family to thrive. So we enrich the nieces and nephews lives as much as possible, to keep our extended family strong. He has mentioned that he doesn't think he would be able to give a child what they need. We both see children as a blessing that deserve the best care, but we both understand we are happier to care for the children already within our larger family. Sorry I am really waffling here, it's hard to paint this picture in a way that conveys that we believe in traditional family values, but also that we do not want to bring up a child.

I guess I'm looking for guidance here. I see so many strong women here, and I want to work towards becoming strong too.