Eight wonderful years. Engaged within one year, then I had to start studying for a bachelor's degree and had some health challenges, so we decided to delay marriage. We went from strength to strength, learning so much about each other.

Now he's saying marriage means nothing to him, but he will do it if I want it.

Of course I want it, but not if it's now just ticking a box for him.

I feel like I'm not as valuable to him, despite the fact that I needed to gain qualifications to work and support myself (we are 50/50).

I dress very conservatively for work, and dress nicely for him at home. Since he's been saying marriage isn't important to him anymore, I've stopped doing wife things. He cooks his own food, does his own washing (I used to enjoy helping him out when busy) but I still continue our relationship because I want to understand what changed.

Here in New Zealand, marriage isn't actually all that common these days. It's quite normal for couples to go their entire lives just as de facto.

But he didn't start our relationship like that.

I've gone through so much, and made sure to rely on my own support network because he couldn't handle emotions well and would get more distressed than I was, making me then need to bottle up my own feelings to care for him.

Today I said no to sex. It's the first time I've ever done that. I understand a man has needs. But I didn't want sex, and I'm not his wife, so it felt alright to say no.

I'm worried this will break what we have. I don't want to change my values for someone else, but I also need to balance reality with what I imagine in my mind.

I would love any advice here.