For the past year, I've been trying to be more soft in how I express my boundaries. My boyfriend says I am incredibly sweet except when I am setting boundaries, then I am cold and sharp as a knife, and that I set too many boundaries.

I've tried to listen to him, and he was right. I really care about societal order (ESTJ) and often I was trying to control situations around me. Now every time I believe in fate and let go of control, I feel much more safe, confident, calm and trusting. So when I have an urge to set a boundary, I take a deep breath and ask my gut "Is it really important?" If not, I will cringe watching an unexpected outcome. But if my gut says it's important, I must express this bottom line to my boyfriend, right? Then he gets upset that I am suddenly sharp and cold again.

I'm still not sure how to go about changing my approach. But last night something happened, and I just snapped straight into 'knife mode" ever since:

He was working till midnight and the ex girlfriend of his coworker appeared at the office. She was clearly looking for her ex; he let her in and she looked through her ex's stuff. Mind you they broke up a while ago and he is already happy in a new relationship. She asked my bf not to tell her ex (his coworker). She said she came because she missed him. He pitied her because he once felt the same about missing me, he did not think she is in the wrong, he figured she is harmless because she was presenting herself as emotionally same + she is a woman, and so he promised he would not tell him. This was extremely alarming to me because what she did is st*lking and it is illegal. I believe the coworker has a right to know which kind of ex he is dealing with.

I am with my bf for two years. He did not agree it was stlking, but I googled the definition of stlking and lawfirm pages include 'showing up at somebody's work place uninvite...' therefore I am right. I sent him the screenshot. In this specific case, it's extremely important for me that he agrees with me on our definition of st*lking and related criminal offenses, creepy behavior, and the psychology behind associated laws. But he just doesn't agree. He doesn't agree, and so I trust him less.

He says I need to have more empathy towards her and that she is harmless and probably won't do it again. He says, "Trust between us can come from mutual understanding, not only agreement. If you understand me you will trust me." I do understand him - I understand the heartbreak and longing of the ex. I think his compassion is beautiful. I understand her actions 100%, I've been through it and almost done it. I do not agree with her action.

How should I proceed from here?

Update: It was all a test! Of course he has the same definition of stalking as me. He just wanted to see how much compassion I would have for that ex, because I have once broken up with him before. After that breakup I avoided contact with him and he felt very hurt because he was still in love. After all, this test was a way for him to 'squeeze' out of me whether I still cared about him when I went no contact or not. Of course, I did. I have him that reassurance that I always loved him even when I cut contact with him and we're good now. Thanks for the commenters 🙏

I want to add that I was stalked before and SA'd by the ex directly before him. This is why I feel very strongly about boundaries particularly boundaries of physical distance.