I'm wrong?

Mentathiel · 2016-12-15T20:28:44+00:00

The last straw was when we talked about Christmas and whose house we would go to. He totally gave up his family's christmas after a very lengthy discussion where he refused to make a decision and I kept nagging.

What you do when your man can't decide something (unless it's urgent) is you leave, let him have some space. Just say, "Well, let me know" and don't bring it up. He surely won't forget, especially if he's beta enough to stress over it so much and he'll know he has a deadline to make the decision before you need to make plans.

I don't know if you could salvage your particular situation, depends on what kind of person is he, but you can do your best. And you do your best when you encourage and praise him.

That being said, I've stopped nagging my boyfriend almost completely nearly a year ago and recently I asked him something slightly naggy and asked him if it was okay and that I though I was pressuring him unnecessarily, but I was worried and he told me that what I did back then was okay, it made him feel like I care and he didn't want me to overworry (I'm prone to that). I think there's a certain balance you gotta attain. You probably have to go to no-nag mode for a long while before being able to test the territory for what's okay. It's probably a bit idealistic to say that you should trust your SO 100% at all times, we all have flaws and it's often more productive to be aware of his and really proud of small progress he's making and supportive because you worry than to convince yourself that the flaw doesn't exist just to make him feel masculine. Although sometimes even that's kind of appropriate, because it's sort of a form of positive pressure for men, they don't want to betray your expectations. But as such, it shouldn't be abused because they'll just feel like failures whenever they're imperfect or like you're pandering to them on purpose and don't truly feel the enthusiasm you present them. Basically, it's a very fine line and there's a lot to gauge, but first step is going to 0 nag mode. And that doesn't mean just STFU, you can't STFU when you have something on your mind and it's not getting solved, you need to take steps to learn how to deal with your own emotions, trust your SO and encourage him in non-naggy ways.

How do I lift him up enough to assume a natural submissive position when he's the one who does all the cooking and cleaning?

Take up more cleaning, I've literally never met anyone who truly likes to clean (at least most of the time), aside from one little boy when he was 5 and for a weird reason obsessed with brooms and street-cleaners.

Let him cook if he likes it, tho, especially if you don't like it. If you're not good at it, perhaps ask him to teach you. Giving him the teacher position is a great way to feel some humility. I help my SO in the kitchen all the time. That's one of the first things he was stunned about when we got together, he told me to just continue the movie without him and that he's gonna go make dinner and I told him not to be silly and that I'll help/keep him company.

Him: "Wow."

Me: "What?"

Him: "Nevermind, I've been dating idiots."

Of course it's more practical for just one of us to cook, but why not spend time together, show solidarity, learn something etc. If this doesn't seem appealing, at least do something else near him. For instance, you could clean the dining/living room while he cooks, so you could talk or you could just keep him company.

These are all small things you can do immediately without it being weird. Gradually, you could perhaps take over some of the chores he dislikes and leave some big decisions to him and just trust him to deal with them and STFU until he does and praise him when he does. He might do a poor job at first, but bear with him, he should gain confidence eventually.

Also, this.

Nyquil-Junkie · 2016-12-16T01:42:32+00:00

I feel like an awful human being for being a battleship,

I think you mean "battle ax"

MsSadieDunham · 2016-12-15T23:16:21+00:00

Yes you can change, yes he can change!

The other ladies have given great answers to your questions so I will instead encourage you to read the side bar and our recommended reading list, the most widely recommended book here is The Surrendered Wife by Laura Doyle. I heavily encourage you to read that one first if you have a nagging habit.

Stay involved in this community, read past and current posts, learn as much as you can! Welcome to RPW!

ikko001 · 2016-12-15T20:57:07+00:00

You are in an awkward position. You seem to seek any dominant attitude from him, but every time you end in frustrated of his passivity. You appear to be the dominant side in the relationship and changing a beta-male is sometimes a difficult task to do.

As for your questions,

(1) From your post, I can see that you are the dominant figure in the relationship, so a way to change things up would be trying to act more submissive. Take over the duty of the household chores and try not to be so hard on him when making desitions, leaving him a false sensation of conflict -- enough to make him feel that he won the argument and to encourage him to fight for his ideas -- motivate him to take the leadership.

(2) No, you didn't ruin anything. He was submissive since the beginning so you at best only maintained the status quo of the relationship. Also, I will mention that you both are not entirely happy with how things are in the relationship, him telling you that you don't treat him properly is a sign of it.

(3) The problem is that you can not become submissive and hope for him to change. That would only lead to having two submissives in the relationship. You will have to train him, making him take decisions and led to situations where he would have to make choices, like having one day out a week where one of you would have to choose what activity to do. Every man has a leader spirit inside, but sometimes it needs to be awakened to show its potential.

BigRedRover · 2016-12-15T23:22:26+00:00

Here's Ian Ironwood on encouraging your man to lead: http://theredpillroom.blogspot.com/2014/09/girl-game-encouraging-your-captain-to.html

He links to this sub about four words in, which I think is kind of funny, but this is probably the best read I know of on the topic.

Best of luck.

rainyweathergirl · 2016-12-16T16:51:22+00:00

It sounds like you don't respect this man and you need to move on. I can't say I blame you. He sounds lazy and lack of work ethic in a man would turn any woman off. A man without work ethic is like the male equivalent to a bossy feminist who hates children. You have a naturally more dominant personality than he does and he doesn't sound like red pill material. I mean, you financially support him. A woman can never respect a man she financially supports. You and him have no real ties to one another and you are both young. I would end things so you can both find partners better suited. There really is zero point in submitting to a man who you financially support and takes passive and feminine roles. This is not going to work.

justanotherusername4 · 2016-12-16T14:23:05+00:00

Do you feel your boyfriend is a beta male as a result of your behaviour or is that his own personality? You can't change a banana into an apple but if it is a result of your dynamic, and you wish to change it, being aware of HOW you undermine him is a valuable first step.

I would suggest writing it down when and how you undermine him. Then, based on what you wrote, pick one or two situations and plan to act different next time. Then do it.

r3mememember · 2016-12-21T18:00:28+00:00

When there's a leadership void, it's like a vacuum pulling someone in. Resist the urge to become the leader. The ship will sail aimlessly for a while. Resist the urge to grab the wheel again, even if some things are missed. When he makes his first move to take the wheel, be happy and excited and have sex that night. Good sex.

Even the most beta male will develop a taste for being in charge. it's in their DNA, but so deep the layers of societal conditioning that it takes some time. Think of an abused dog. They're afraid of any human touching them at first, scared shitless. Watch some videos of it on youtube. After a few weeks/months of a patient handler they're happy and playful and trusting again, like it's not even the same animal.

bowie747 · 2016-12-15T23:05:12+00:00

Your relationship sounds awful, sorry. I hope you get the help you need.

RedCyren · 2016-12-16T13:54:46+00:00

I was like this when I didn't respect my partners. I didn't value their opinions, their experience, their decisions... I felt very independent and like it was me vs. the world, not us vs. the world. Do you honestly respect your partner?

mwait · 2016-12-19T15:31:50+00:00

Reading your posts is pretty difficult... you come off as domineering and obnoxious. If you are anything like this IRL, I'm not surprised your relationship is dysfunctional.

You say your bf is a chef and he didn't want to eat your chicken because he believed it was not cooked correctly. Then you proceed to undermine his expertise("It got baked with the pasta, it was fine IMO.")... You are not allowing your bf to take control, even in areas where he, most likely, is more knowledgeable and skilled than you.

[deleted] · Fri Dec 16 3:33:43 2016 UTC

[permanently deleted]

Title	I'm wrong?
Author	medusa378
Upvotes	19
Comments	30
Date	December 15, 2016 7:35 PM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/5ijk5f/im_wrong/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/im-wrong.86737 https://theredarchive.com/post/86737

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