Hi, I am a full-time nanny which has allowed me to see a lot of marriages up close. I am aware that the period I am witnessing, when children are young, is one that puts stress on the relationship. But, I am struck by the lack of respect and kindness towards one another I see in parents, not as the exception to how they interact w/ each other, but as the rule in virtually all of my clients on a day-to-day basis. I have seen it so much but it literally hurts to watch and shocks me regularly, though I try not to judge.

My clients, some of whom I spent years with, were/are respectful and kind to me, I think they are good parents and good people. I want to understand how this happens and how it can be avoided.

I am a few months into a relationship with a man whom I deeply respect, we treat each other with lots of care and consideration (like most new couples do lol), but if it grows into something more, I never want that to disappear and be replaced with resentment, disregard, and cruelty/coldness.

I get the feeling that it’s like a “familiarity breeds contempt” kind of thing. I saw it in my parents too, they literally acted like siblings who hated each other. I am really sensitive, prob bc of that, and seeing the atmospheres of hostility people create in their marriages, and ultimately their homes, and get so used to, sometimes makes me cry on my way home lmao.

I have read almost all of the suggested reading for this Reddit, and I also practice Buddhism w/ a focus on loving kindness, so I feel like those combined are equipping me to be more conscious of my behavior. But after seeing it so much, I can’t be naive/prideful enough to believe I could never end up in their shoes.

I would love to hear how women here have maintained respect (and esp. respectful communication, actions, even just like manners/courtesy) and healthy, loving relationships and have avoided normalizing treating (and being treated by obv, but I know our actions are the only thing we control) the man they love with disrespect.

Thank you❤️ and sorry for wordiness😅