Mid 30s approaching - time to settle?

Anonymous_fiend · 2024-01-04T23:03:53+00:00

In your previous posts you state he is everything you don’t want in a man, promises to change but falls through, and you want to break up. That was a year ago and you are still miserable. Can you live the next 30-50 years with this man without being resentful? There’s a difference between settling and giving up. Most of settling is being realistic. Settling isn’t poor vetting and cost sunk fallacy.

If you are going to break up with him do it now. If you’re mid 30s, attractive aka 6/10+, good income, and want kids you can still realistically attract a man who you respect, isn’t poor, and looks at least average. You just won’t get commitment from men who are on your level or higher. Which is your problem. You only want a level of man who don’t want to commit to you. There’s plenty of good divorced men and men 5-10 years older than you. If you’re truly attractive and feminine you shouldn’t have issues dating these men.

The right one is one who fulfills 80-90% of your needs. The one is the one you commit to every day.

VasiliyZaitzev · 2024-01-05T00:57:52+00:00

have master's degree and a good paying job.

N.B. Men do not care about this. At all.

And most of the good ones are already taken.

Most of the "better" ones are taken. There are good ones there, but thy aren't tall enough or have a bit crooked nose, etc.

The problem is, I want to have a baby soon.

Yep. So that is the issue. If you start over, it's going to be 2 or 3 years of vetting, dating, etc. before Le Kid. And that is if you meet a suitable guy. If you are 31 or 32 ok. But you need to think this trough sooner rather than later.

How does your partner feel about having a baby?

yellaochre · 2024-01-04T22:58:04+00:00

Why in the world would you stay with someone who you don’t love or want to be with? Imagine if the tables were turned and he said these things about you….Would you want to raise a family with someone who “settled” for you?

Please cut him loose so he can find someone who does appreciate him.

Editing to empathize that I do very much understand being in your mid thirties and the time clock is ticking. In the same boat. But this is just not right- and I think deep down you know it.

Wife_and_Mama · 2024-01-04T23:28:56+00:00

It sounds like your previous post history paints a picture of a man you don't even like, let alone respect. If that's the case, you won't like or respect him more with kids, so you probably should bail. That doesn't mean, however, that marrying the next guy won't be what you're currently calling "settling."

You're probably about 32/33 and haven't had luck with your current standards, whatever they may be. If you find yourself single, you're going to have to compromise on some things. That doesn't have to mean settling, though. That's really more a state of mind. It can just mean accepting reality and what's really available to you in the world.

If you want to have kids, quit wasting time. I highly recommend you read Marry Him: the Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough, by Lori Gottlieb. It's not as bad as the title makes it sound, more along the lines of accepting what you bring to the table and being more realistic about what he should bring. Assuming you're above good men, in whatever way, is a great way to miss your window.

AffectionateIsopod59 · 2024-01-04T23:13:21+00:00

No matter how you feel earlier on, relationships require work. It's only happily ever after in stories. The love and the lust part comes and goes in cycles for a lot of couples.

If this is a good guy with a good personality is he dad material? Is he going to take care of you when both you and the kids are sick. Do the two of you make a good team? Is he going to be honest with you and loyal to you?

If the answers are yes, then talk to him. Work on deciding together, what is next.

DumbassVampire · 2024-01-05T08:51:41+00:00

Never give into something that makes you feel like this. It's sounds like you have given into the trap of sunk cost falicy. Honestly after I got rid of my ex I found the perfect man for me 2 months afterwards.

Honestly, work on yourself. Focus on your interests, hobbies, build a stronger friendship circle and work on your communication skills & think what you want in friends and lovers.

Your age doesn't matter much tbh. Any man who doesn't want to commit to you also wouldn't if you where in your mid 20's. And honestly imo women are just so much more gorgeous when they're in their 30's. You then have the confidence, figured stuff out and ideally have truly adult money :) I look forward to my 30's and the dating pool of men will be smaller - but you're still the one that decides who gets picked.

Also addition: if a man can't add to your life he's automatically taking from you. I wouldn't tolerate these kinds of relationships anymore.

Traditional_Owl_5640 · 2024-01-05T14:12:10+00:00

Say you did settle. Now imagine one of your female friends - around the same age and same attributes. If in a few months time she meets the love of her life (either having been single or after leaving a loveless relationship), would you regret having settled with someone you don’t love?

If not, that might suggest you are content with trading off potentially finding a better love match, with the security of improving your chances of having a child.

Bear in mind of course that a child is not guaranteed even if you did settle. I don’t know what your personal circumstances are, but if you have not investigated your own fertility then you may be making a sacrifice for something which isn’t even available (at least not readily, maybe).

Personally I used to have a similar outlook as you. At some stage for many reasons I realised that I wanted to look for a partner I want to spend my life with, not the father of my children. I am now with that partner and I’m pretty certain he will eventually father my children, but I would want to be with him even if that did not work out.

My own experience is that there are a lot of very successful men, perhaps slightly older than you (late 30s / early 40s), who want children, who are picky about the things you mention (good education and background etc), who would be willing to move the relationship faster than you think. As has been said, it may be that you need to consider what unimportant filters you are applying (height, etc).

HerMajesty2024 · 2024-01-05T15:04:30+00:00

Wow you sound exactly like me.

kendrac83 · 2024-01-05T15:49:27+00:00

Unserious men can take advantage of a woman even if she's more attractive than them....especially when she has a mental health condition that usually results from some insecurities and society/media has romaticized sexual freedom for women. I would suggest therapy for you and couples therapy. Also you may need to compromise at this point to have biological kids. Would you rather have his level of good looking or higher earning but less attractive?

undercovertrad · 2024-01-05T19:03:05+00:00

It’s better to be single and childless than married to a man you don’t respect and aren’t attracted to. He also deserves better in a partner than a woman who doesn’t even want to sleep with him. Desperation is not an attractive nor feminine quality, and that is what your post reeks of, with a touch of sociopathic utilitarianism.

You pretty much say you aren’t attracted to him and think you settled but you’ll put up with it so you can have the commodity of having a baby. Even if you are pretty, what about this attitude makes you believe you’re the catch here? It’s a bunch of red flags in a woman if I’ve ever seen them.

ilooovedancing · 2024-01-05T19:32:50+00:00

I would stay with him, to become a mother. If you break up with him and never have kids, that will hurt a lot.

tinerene · 2024-01-05T06:27:58+00:00

I feel bad for your partner. So cruel

Sillkentofu · 2024-01-04T22:55:20+00:00

Give yourself some time to think and work on freezing your eggs. At least that would be my plan. Maybe take a few days to read the book in the link and see how you feel.

AutoModerator · 2024-01-04T22:46:46+00:00

Title: Mid 30s approaching - time to settle?

Author leylaheyla

Full text: Shortly to me: I am conventionally attractive (slim, cute blonde) have master's degree and a good paying job. From upper middle class family.

The thing is... I never met the one. I really tried and dated for years, but the type of men I hoped for (similar to me in form of education, looks and status) was never interested in me for relationship.

Maybe because I have social anxiety and not so big friend's circle (very rarely met new men) or just bad luck, but also in rare occasions I met someone I really liked it was never reciprocated. Same with dating apps. Men I liked didn't like me back or only wanted sex.

So I kinda lowered my standards and met my now partner. He came from poverty, doesn't have a degree and will never be a high earner, but he is a good, funny guy who respects me, helps around household and we bonded over sports so we started a relationship and soon after living together.

Almost 3 years later we are now more like roommates. I don't find him sexually attractive anymore (even though he is good looking), and we don't have as much in common as I thought except sports and watching movies. If I were younger I would definitely end this relationship and try to find a better match.

But mid 30s are approaching and I am aware that my chances of meeting the right one are slim. If men I wanted didn't want me in the last 10 years, why would they now? And most of the good ones are already taken.

The problem is, I want to have a baby soon. Should I risk one last time and maybe never meet the one and have kids or just settle with my current partner whom I don't really love or want to be with, but is a good guy/roomate and a good dad material?

I would like to hear honest opinions.

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dogenewkji · 2024-01-05T00:06:07+00:00

What would he do if he read this?

aussiedollface2 · 2024-01-05T09:47:49+00:00

I personally know women who have done very well for themselves in the dating market in their mid thirties but they certainly have a “way” with men. They aren’t even the prettiest tbh. So yes it can be done. But it’s definitely harder and I’m worried that you say you never had much luck with men in the past, and I worry and agree with you that why would you suddenly now.

Do you live in a large metropolitan area with many men? Do you live somewhere with more men than women? Like what would your dating options even be realistically like if you were to break up?

You’ve been with this man for three years you really must see something special in him. I would make a very concerted effort to make it work, otherwise bail but accept the risks. Regardless of what you do, I would go get your AMH checked and also freeze your eggs.

xo

JustAnotherBoymoder · 2024-01-04T23:11:25+00:00

Do you respect him? Seeing as how you don't seem to like him having a lower paying job and see being with him as settling, it wouldn't be surprising that respect wouldn't be there anymore. Lack of respect for a boyfriend would have cascading effects on a relationship, including lack of romantic and sexual intimacy.

Title	Mid 30s approaching - time to settle?
Author	leylaheyla
Upvotes	0
Comments	40
Date	January 4, 2024 10:46 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/18yqgeq/mid_30s_approaching_time_to_settle/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/mid-30s-approaching-time-to-settle.1242276 https://theredarchive.com/post/1242276

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