While I think most people here are women who are just seeking advice to get through the dating process, women who have recognized that they want to right their wrongs, or married/partnered women just trying to give out good advice; there is also another type of woman here.

The woman who is trying to gaslight herself into acting like she still has internal respect for her partner.

How can you tell the difference between someone who needs to change their behavior versus someone who no longer respects their partner? Here's a handy checklist of things to ask yourself :

  • If someone said that they thought you and your partner had very similar personalities, would you take that as an insult?
  • When you met, did you think he was funny, and now you don't? -Does he try to calm things down, or does he escalate arguments?
  • Do you look forward to introducing him to people, or do you feel like he's going to say or do something stupid?
  • When he gives you advice, do you find yourself automatically assuming he's wrong?
  • Does he have financial stability, or does he squander his money? -Do you feel goofy and playful around him, or are you trying to force it?
  • Does he often refuse to accept evidence that contradicts something he said? Or does he try to have respectful discussions where he lets others say their piece without twisting their words?
  • Do you still find him attractive, or do you dislike the idea of having sex with him even when you're horny?

If you answered positively, you probably just need to adjust your own behavior and that will fix things. However, if you answered negatively, you have lost internal respect. The difference between acting disrespectful and losing internal respect is that disrespectful behavior doesn't effect how you really feel about him; you still like him as a person and enjoy spending time with him. When you lose internal respect, you find yourself having knee-jerk thoughts like "oh great, the idiot is home" and you find reasons to spend time away from him. Everything he does makes you roll your eyes.

I understand that looking at a relationship with a critical lens is really hard, especially when your lives are tangled so tightly together. You want to do everything in your power to make it work, and you should. But you also need to know when youre not the problem. A lot of women like to blame men for things they dont do wrong, and so there isn't a lot of resources for understanding what a bad relationship actually looks like.

I simply suggest trying to take a big step back and look at things through a very objective lens. Maybe it will look okay, but you should be open to realizing things you are trying to avoid.