• What is your current relationship status?

Hello, I’m Vanilla Raspberry and I have a question for you ladies. It’s been almost 4 years that I’ve been religiously reading this sub, and I’ve never stopped being amazed at the advice you give here. And I fundamentally believe in all your values.

Here’s some context of the situation: I’m in my early twenties and currently finishing up my Masters in a STEM degree. About 1 year ago I met this wonderful guy at my uni. I just want to point out to you how incredible it is to be with him, how mature he is and so forth (he’s in his mid-twenties). All the various problems in our relationship have always been caused by me. Currently we are in an LDR (5 months total, he’ll be back 3 months). I’ve been in one “serious” relation before him (lost my v-card), that lasted one year. But he was the one who was more in love and insecure, and I didn’t enjoy the more intimate aspects of our relationship. So I’ve never had this problem with him. My current boyfriend has been with many girls, one of them which he had a 5 year relationship with. He has much more experience in life than me.

• What is the problem, and what do you think is the root of the issue?

I don’t know how to explain the problem really to you all. The most common way to explain it is probably insecurity in the love this man has for me. Deep down I know he loves me very much. He tells me he has a passion for me that he’d never had for a girl before and that it’s the first time he’s ever been in love.

But even in spite of all of that, I still let my hamster run wild. Before the LDR, we used to be always together whenever it was possible. He’d take me out everywhere really and gave me lots of attention. We used to do it 2 to 3 times a day. Then after the honeymoon phase “faded”, the attention dropped a bit and I thought that he was losing interest in me. When he’d reject my sexual advances (tired), I’d feel down about myself and cry while laying next to him. That upset him greatly (understandably) and he told me it could not go on like this. It was really difficult for me to keep my tears in and to not get emotional each time it would happen. But I was so afraid to lose him that I succeeded in managing these emotions.

This was not the only area in which I’ve been difficult. It happened many times that I’d ask a favor of him and if he wouldn’t say yes, I’d get upset and cry. My reasoning always is : “It’s so small and he doesn’t want to do that for me, he musn’t love me anymore” and then I’d get down on myself. But I know my perception of the situations is false. But it happens each time and within 5 minutes of crying I realize how ridiculous I am but it’s already too late, he’s upset with me and doesn’t want to talk to me anymore.

Recent Incident: I was visiting him for 5 days and had to take the plane back in the morning. We partied and went to bed late the night before (3 am) and he was tired. I woke up at 9:30, prepared for the travel, and at 10 am, I woke him up and asked him to accompany me to the bus stop ( 20 minutes walk) and he said no. I got really sad as I wouldn’t be able to see him anymore for a month at least. And also I was there for 5 days but we only were intimate once. ( I was down on myself about him not wanting me enough ). So I broke down in tears and told him things like “you’re so mean. Is it because you don’t love me enough? “ and he really wasn’t having it and we left each other in a bad mood. Again, not even 3 minutes after the beginning of my breakdown, I felt so guilty and knew I was exaggerating everything… He hasn’t really contacted me since ( 4 days ago), except to tell me this was going to be a long-term problem and he didn’t knew if we were compatible anymore…

• How have you contributed/attempted to mitigate the problem?

There were so many little incidents like these in our relationship and I know they are totally on me. At my worst periods it’d be easily 2 times a month. I’ve already taken the initiative to go see a therapist weekly 3 months ago. But I’m afraid to talk to her about it. I feel really pathetic even typing this out right now. But I definitely will talk to her next time.

In the mean-time, I’d like to know how to remedy this bad behavior I have? Maybe some insights on what’s causing it? Ladies with similar challenges… I know I seriously fucked up. I’m so afraid he’ll decide to break it off with me. I really want to change. I’ve changed a lot already ( for the better) but I’m afraid it’s not fast enough ..