Should I submit to him or be more assertive?

maylee97 · 2018-09-20T06:29:55+00:00

I had similar difficulties as you. I read The Surrendered Wife by Laura Doyle (a common suggestion around here, if you haven't read it yet I would really recommend it! I was able to google and find a free PDF) In that book, there is a whole section on expressing your feelings and wants. The book suggests saying exactly what you want, instead of coming up with a long-winded way of trying to rationalize it or convince your boyfriend.

For example, if I want to go to a certain restaurant, there's two ways I could say this to my man.

1: "We haven't been to Restaurant Name in forever. We should go there tonight. It is cheaper than That Other Restaurant, and it will be easier for us to park. Also I don't really like That Other Restaurant, I know you like it but the food isn't that good..." etc.

or

2: "I want to go to Restaurant Name tonight." (say this sweetly, but directly)

I thought that the 2nd option sounded too harsh, but men react well to it. As long as you say it politely, I think they appreciate directness! The first option, though it might sound alright, can often come across as complaining (i.e. subtext is "why don't you ever take me there? you make bad decisions"), or trying to control him.

I started consciously saying "I want...", and my boyfriend is much more receptive to it. The only thing to watch out for is sometimes I'll say exactly what I want and my boyfriend will say "No, not today.". If you trust that your man makes good choices and has your best interests at heart, he probably had a good reason for saying no. It is still hard for me sometimes, and my feelings are momentarily hurt when he says no to something I really wanted. Remind yourself that you trust him to lead you and you must let him do so.

In response to your specific examples, you say you brought up the zoo hesitantly a few times, I'm sure you were just trying to be polite and considerate of his desires, but this can come across like you are trying to convince him, and men hate being controlled. In the future just simply say "I'd love to go to the zoo with Leslie and her boyfriend." and he'll likely want to make you happy!

For the second example, I think it sounds like he was just trying to set realistic expectations so that your feelings weren't hurt. I don't think he was saying it because he thought you would be overbearing. I'm sure he appreciates how understanding you are. But lots of people aren't as easy-going, so it's always good to make your intentions clear. I personally don't think you should bring up either of these examples to him. Although it may be indicative of a greater trend and I see why they could be a bit upsetting, they are such innocuous comments that if you bring it up to him, I think it will just seem nit-picky.

tl;dr Say exactly what you want and express your desires clearly, let him make the final decision

FleetingWish · 2018-09-20T17:38:23+00:00

It seems like he doesn't believe that he is in charge. The fact that you phrased this question as "should I submit or be more assertive" gives me a window into why: you haven't submitted to him yet. Assertiveness should never be on the table, and if it has been in the past it may explain why he doesn't trust you.

A man who is in charge believes that he is entiled to make the decisions, whether or not you agree with him. This gives him the ability to make decisions that might benefit you in preferance to him (like choosing to go to the zoo even though it's not his favorite activity) because he is not feeling like he is being "forced" to do what you want.

The more a man feels like he is being forced into certain decisions the more he will resent you for having to do things your way, even if he otherwise would have chosen those things on his own. In addition it makes you feel unloved because you can tell he is feeling resentful and not doing these things because he wants to and because he cares about you. As long as he feels like it's not his choice, it closes off his ability to do things out of love for you.

By reading both of your examples, I can tell you that this is your problem, but I can't tell you why he feels this way.

The first option is that it's coming from you. If you are compaining, giving a bad attitude, or even looking visibly upset when things don't go your way, that would be the culprit. You need to nix that stuff right now. This is why I don't want to hear the word "assertive" when you are talking about your relationship. If you've been assertive in the past about your wants... Stop it.

The second option is that he is projecting. Women nagging to get what they want has been common in his life (in particular his mother) so he simply expects that from you.

Either way you have to show him that you are not like that. Start expressing preference for what he wants. Start asking for his opinion and show huge enthusiasm for his choices. "You want to go to a baseball game, that sounds awesome!" Let him know you are on board with his ideas. For a while it may even be a good idea to not to even tell him what you want (unless he explicitly asks) because he may have a tendency to expect that you expressing a preference is the same as a demand. If you do express a preference, quickly follow it up with "what do you think?" If he does something you want to do, jump up and down and thank him. Show verbal and emotional appreciation.

Zoo example: at this point he has decided to go to the zoo. It will do you no good to say "it's fine if you don't want to go", that will in all likelihood make him double down on the zoo and be angrier about it, sort of "I already said it's fine". Instead show him how happy you are that he chose something that is not his preference on your behalf.

Hometown example: Respond with how great an idea you think that is and how awesome it is he's getting the chance to hang with his buds, because you know he doesn't get a lot of opportunities. Then maybe discuss some activities you can do while he's busy. Let him know you're not upset by it. The key is to counter his preconceived notion that you would be.

The pattern is that all his decisions are met with positivity.

GingerDoughGirl · 2018-09-20T14:45:21+00:00

Previous advice in comments about how to specifically respond was great so I am not going to repeat it. However, I want to share personal experience with these two specific issues to maybe offer a different way for you to look at it.

My fiance despises the zoo. And the aquarium, which he has named "water zoo". We have never been to the zoo together as a result and it's not an activity I typically suggest with him. I, of course, am welcome to go to the zoo whenever I want and he even offered to buy me my own membership. There are "us" activities and "me" activities. Riding horses, rollercoasters, zoos, outdoorsy stuff are all me things that he hates doing. He has activities too that are just for him. It is better for me to just respect that's who he is and let it go. As far as the activity choice in this particular situation, I think the sense he is prioritizing Leslie is really just about trying to be polite to the guests.
My fiance moved away from his hometown after college. He then moved away from his second home town to come to where he met me (he moved for work). When he goes home or flies back to the second town for work training I know there are going to be a ton of demands on his time because so many people miss him. Family and friends all reach out and his schedule fills up super fast. Our situation may be different because it sounds like you live in the hometown with the friends whereas my fiance lives with me. However, I try to be understanding that other people really miss my fiance...and why wouldn't they all be scrambling for his time? He's awesome! When he is on trips he prioritizes calling me everyday to talk for a bit but will still go out and do things most days he is away. It helps me feel more secure and ease how much I miss him without disrupting his plans. However, even if you live in the hometown he can't spend all day, everyday with you because that would damage his existing non-romantic relationship and as girls we never want to be able to be blamed for contributing to dissolving of other important relationships. His wording may have felt harsh but his mindset isn't mistaken. And, in my case, I know that him being popular and in high demand socially makes me more attracted to him. What kind of dud would a guy have to be for his own friends and family not to be scrambling to get a snippet of his time after he has been away?

Now, keep in mind, my primary love language is quality time by a landslide. Words of affirmation is a distant second. This means that if I do not get frequent stretches of time with undivided attention it will impossible to convince me you love me because no other expression of love makes me feel as loved. My fiance knows this and said understanding that really helped him not see me as clingy (an easy thing to be when this is your love language). It is why even when he is away he prioritizes giving me time each day on the phone or video chat. When he isn't away on trips, the last hour (sometimes two) of the day before bed all electronics get shut off and it is our time together alone for the day to talk, cuddle, do something together or have sex (which is quality time to me). I get to feel loved and he doesn't have to feel like he is dealing with a partner who makes too many demands on his time. Reaching this understanding in our relationship has made the vast majority of potential fights not even have a chance to happen.

cynicalhousewife · 2018-09-20T14:44:23+00:00

You need to ask yourself whether or not you are drawing conclusions out of the things he does and says and it sounds like you quite possibly are. All these things are also rather trivial. You said it yourself, they are 'annoyances'. It does sound like you are overthinking.

Title	Should I submit to him or be more assertive?
Author	beaversinthewashroom
Upvotes	12
Comments	16
Date	September 20, 2018 5:27 AM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/9hclua/should_i_submit_to_him_or_be_more_assertive/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/should-i-submit-to-him-or-be-more-assertive.75169 https://theredarchive.com/post/75169

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