What to do when changes promised before marriage...Never actually happen.

Willow-girl · 2017-03-21T03:37:05+00:00

He has some kind of visceral dislike of anything therapeutic (groups, psychiatrists, etc.) and knowing him, it will be unrealistic to expect him to go long enough for any of it to work.

Of course he does, because they might require him to change, which is what addicts hate and fear above all else. No addict wakes up one fine day and says, "You know, I think I'll quit using today." People are motivated to change when their addiction causes so many problems in their life that it becomes more trouble than it's worth. (The Big Three are losing a job, a spouse leaving or ODing/experience serious health probs.) Up to that point, the addict doesn't perceive drinking to be the problem, but the solution. See why they're reluctant to give it up?

You may not be able to change your man, but (good news) you CAN change yourself! Sometimes this will motivate your spouse to change, sometimes not. In any case, you will be a better and stronger person for it. Find an Al-Anon group in your area. If you have difficulty locating one, find an A.A. open/speaker meeting, attend it and make inquiries there. Or search for support groups that deal with codependency. You will find people who have been in the exact same place you are now and who will welcome and support you.

(Full disclosure: I had a drug and alcohol problem earlier in life; A.A. saved my life.)

teaandtalk · 2017-03-21T07:46:50+00:00

Why did you marry someone ten years older than you with an alcohol dependence? You married him as he was, not as he could someday be, and that's on you. So now you can either accept the situation as it is (ie that he is dependent on alcohol and unlikely to change), or get a divorce. Whichever you choose, make sure you're on good birth control, because it's not fair to bring a kid into this mess.

anothdae · 2017-03-21T06:51:50+00:00

So if he is a real alcoholic, he won't change until he reaches rock bottom.

IF he wants to change, and isn't completely dependent upon alcohol yet, there are options available outside of therapy. Drugs that either stop cravings or increase hangovers so that you naturally drink less.

Forget about your marriage for now, you need to seriously consider the fact that you may have married an alcoholic, and that is very serious.

Red_Pill_Raskol · 2017-03-21T10:28:17+00:00

Tell him that you are losing your attraction toward him, but you don't want it to be that way. Tell him you are willing to support him but you must see progress if your marriage is going to work.

If he is a good man he will appreciate the chance you give him. Please don't be like most other women and jump ship without giving it a shot.

pewpsprinkler · 2017-03-21T11:31:31+00:00

from what I have read, people rarely change much past their late 20s, even if they want to.

People change when they have a good reason to change. Age doesn't matter.

Getting married kills motivation to change. One of the major reasons to change is fear of abandonment. "I'm worried he will leave me for a thinner woman" drives weight loss. Marrying that person reduces motivation to lose weight.

I have been working on improving myself; changing habits, updating my appearance, and so on. I have stumbled, but I try to stay on the path. I have lost weight and gradually improved home related skills, such as cooking.

I notice that you didn't say how much weight you lost. I can bet it isn't anywhere close to 20 lbs. It could have been 1 lbs for your statement to be true. The fact that you haven't held up your end is a pretty big deal in the context of the post.

It could very well be that he saw you not being dedicated, got irritated, and just went "fuck it, I need a drink". Boom.

I'm not sure how to help someone who kind of wants to be different in their mind, but then in practice does not.

Lose the 20+ lbs, get hot as hell, and then use the LEVERAGE that gets you to provide INCENTIVES for him to change his behavior.

Honestly your post comes off like "how do I make this guy keep his promises when I've been totally half assed about my own".

HobbesTheBrave · 2017-03-21T10:04:21+00:00

Without reading anything but the title;

He said something, and you trusted him without verifying anything.

Always verify, woman!

palmettomom2609 · 2017-03-21T10:44:53+00:00

A couple of things. The first is that I have done my biggest growing in my 30's, particularly over the past year (ages 31- now nearly 33). That includes quitting alcohol and vastly improving myself and in turn my marriage. But you have to want it. Also, a quote to help you gain perspective about your husband. "You can't change the people around you but you can change the people around you." -Joshua Fields Milburn

WalkingWikipedia · 2017-03-21T10:51:51+00:00

I don't want to give you false hope, but just because you don't see a change doesn't mean there isn't a slow change happening in his mind. It took me (30, male) two years to make the changes I knew I wanted to make for my wife (29). I know everyone isn't like me, but for me, the best thing she could have done is let me keep getting hangovers and. It getting shit done until I was completely sick of that. Then, the changes came. It was a slow evolution of my perception. And the best part was she was never upset with me (at least I don't think she was). She had faith in me to change, and I eventually did.

I'm not giving you any advice, because if I did it might be horrible, just something to consider. He may seem content to not change but inside he hates it. That's how it was for me.

antariusz · 2017-03-21T08:30:04+00:00

So you've improved yourself, feel your options are opening up, and are looking to move on.

Even when you're in the middle of experiencing hypergamy, you don't even stop to recognize it.

You're upset because you think you settled on a subpar mate, you think you can do better. This is the precise reason that on TRP any time that a guy comes up with the idea of dating a fat, socially inexperienced girl, and then helping her improve herself, or helping a woman get through a tough university program, he is universally shot down as having a terrible idea. There is absolutely zero incentive for a man to help a woman improve, and marriage just makes the repercussions worse.

You are the reason that TRP says A) Never get married B) Never devote any of your time or resources into improving the life of a woman. C) If a woman suggests something like therapy, she's already thought about cheating on you, if not already done it.

Title	What to do when changes promised before marriage...Never actually happen.
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	9
Comments	14
Date	March 21, 2017 2:38 AM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/60l41u/what_to_do_when_changes_promised_before/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/what-to-do-when-changes-promised-before.167204 https://theredarchive.com/post/167204

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