When the going gets rough…what do we do?

chickenreader · 2023-04-24T14:12:59+00:00

A common mistake among women is dating without any intentions. We meet someone, we fall inlove and then we find ourselves in an unhappy situation. Maybe coz we're still young and we arent even sure of our own identity yet. I made the same mistake when I was in my early 20's. Now I'm in my mid 20's and what I do differently is that I made a list of all the qualities I want in a partner and all the qualities I need to have to attract those qualities from a partner. I made non negotiables. If they do something that is part of my non negotiables I let them go. It's really up to you what you can tolerate or not. Make a pros and cons list. Whenever I make a list it gets easier for me to identify if someone is a good partner for me or not in the long run. Makes my emotions less involved.

Vinegar88 · 2023-04-24T15:24:25+00:00

You "fear" the kind of husband he'll be, and he considers self-improvement "cringe." For the entirety of your relationship, he struggles to get work/clients. Doesn't sound like he's ever going to be someone you'd feel confident to marry, and after 4 years together, it seems unlikely to change.

It's easy for us to see someone we care for, and see potential, because we want these things (success, comfort, self-pride, etc) for them & ourselves, but "seeing potential" is a form of projection. You're seeing potential not because it's there (and how can it be if he considers self-improvement as a whole as cringe?) but because you want it to be there.

Dating for a man's potential instead of who he actually is, what he does in the day-to-day, is one of the most damning things a woman can do. How would you feel if you waited for this "potential" to manifest, for another 4 years? Another 10? What if it never happens? Fear of missing out is going to be harder for you with anxiety and OCD, but it only gets worse the longer you drag it out. Try to focus on how the 4 years with him have gone. Don't imagine a hypothetical future, potential, things getting better. "Imagine" being the key word there. Just look at how your relationship has actually been. Now imagine more of the same. Him, the relationship, taking the exact same trajectory it has been the last 4 years. Is this the relationship you want?

PsychoticNurse · 2023-04-24T16:04:49+00:00

I just read your comment about going your separate ways soon. I think you're doing the right thing. I'm twice your age, but when I was in my 20s, I also held onto a man who wouldn't give me what I wanted because he had other great qualities.

When I met my now husband, I let him know right away that I'm looking to get married. If he wasn't looking for that too, let's not waste each other's time. Contrary to what people say now, there's nothing wrong with stating up front what you're looking for. Never accept a man who is unsure about getting married. You won't change him. If a man is making you feel devalued, he's not a good man. A good man will sit you down and talk to you about any faults he sees in you. He'll make it about bettering yourself, not make it about him. If he's not respecting your boundaries, that's a red flag. Remember, if someone won't respect a small one, they definitely won't respect a major one.

In this final month, try to not be around him as much as possible. After, don't remain friends with him. Ya'll don't have kids together, so there's no need to keep in touch with him. Never run a business with someone you're not married to. It's a recipe for disaster. Also, and many people disagree with me on this, never live with a man before you're at least engaged. If you live with him, there's no motivation to marry you. He can stay over, but don't live with him until he's made a commitment to you first. Make a list of what you want and what you don't want, then look for a man that fits most of you must haves. Compromise on small things, but never compromise on your values, such as marriage, kids, idea of gender roles, etc.

Finally, there's nothing wrong with saying to a partner that if they don't marry you in x amount of time, you're leaving. Don't waste time with someone who wants a woman to act like a wife but won't make it official.

TheBunk_TB · 2023-04-24T16:14:26+00:00

Is there underlying stories to support these anecdotes?

Is some of this due to observation?

Why have you drug this out for 4 years?

pieorstrudel5 · 2023-04-24T14:25:40+00:00

So if I understand right, you've been with him since you were 19?

chrissycash · 2023-04-24T14:50:02+00:00

Whatever you do, please don’t stay in the relationship of pity for him. It’s better to break his heart now then twenty years later with a divorce while being two kids and mortgage deep. Trust me, with your knowledge and experience today your choice of men get better with time. If you got him once (your type of bf) you can get him again but better. Don’t sell yourself short.

AutoModerator · 2023-04-24T13:42:33+00:00

Title: When the going gets rough…what do we do?

Full text: Hi ladies, I need some real feedback. I’m at a point in my life where I’m not sure if I should continue my relationship. When I look back on it I feel like there is a lot of trauma and anxiety. I also fear the kinda of husband my boyfriend will be. We’ve been together for 4 years and tbh we always say we’ll get married but I really don’t see it happening. We’re 23 & 26(m). I love my boyfriend because of his characteristics. He’s strong, confident, I can’t confide in him. He holds me responsible. But unfortunately I also feel very let down by him. Before dating him I was figuring out my values as a person and once we started dating it felt like he found them to be “cringe” and devalued me as a person. Things like self-improvement, boundaries, etc.

I’m afraid of I won’t find a man like him again, but when I think about it I never felt fully accepted by him.

Anyone been in this situation?

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Title	When the going gets rough…what do we do?
Author	Original-Pineapple58
Upvotes	3
Comments	19
Date	April 24, 2023 1:42 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/12xg8xt/when_the_going_gets_roughwhat_do_we_do/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/when-the-going-gets-roughwhat-do-we-do.1216696 https://theredarchive.com/post/1216696

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