I'm a 21M in college. I learned about TRP when I was around 17 or 18. Throughout the time up to now, I've read the content within this subreddit but eventually gave up truly believing that men and women should be treated the same as we are all humans. But the experiences I had have led me to come back here once more. At this point, I go to the gym every morning before eating, spend the majority of my day looking for high-value things to do rather than play video games, and read TRP Handbook.

Despite this, I feel like my brain hasn't fully reprogrammed to fully believe TRP philosophy. I've lived in a house full of women for all of my life until I recently got my new apartment. I feel liberated on the outside but I feel caged on the inside. I feel as if respecting men and women equally is a given since we're all human. I feel like a completely cooperative world is the most idealized type of world despite its unlikelihood. I feel like I have these flowered beliefs that a woman's world is the most ideal because competition is an impediment to societal human accomplishment. In my head, this idealized world doesn't have people pitting against each other for the best woman or the highest amount of money. Rather, everyone works collaboratively to move forward.

Because of this nurtured worldview, I have a low sense of competition with other people. I always want to make friends with people or at least be neutral with others. My behavior has been fixated on these types of beliefs for a long time. When I read TRP Handbook, I think to myself, "Why do we continue heading down this direction of competition? It's wrong and primal. Humans should work together instead of wasting time on this."

I see that the problem with this is it's unrealistic and it doesn't make any sense. What would decide who gets the best things without competition? Why would I sacrifice agency to help everyone as a whole? I feel like my masculine natural intuition is fighting against my feminine nurtured brain into connecting with reality.

I feel disconnected from reality and masculinity, logic, and discipline are the dogmas that push me in the right direction. But the frustration and stress I experience from going towards these ideologies shake my core. They're principles I've gone against my whole life and it is only now that I realize that TRP has been what I've been looking for for a long time.

This ended up being a pretty personal rant but now that I'm done venting, I'm wondering if anyone has any advice for my dilemma. Any pieces of literature to read, general advice, or anything to get me to the greener grass would really help.