Hello friends,

I'd like to make a short post of my evolution of dealing with insecurity.

I had my first girlfriend when I was around 17. We were together for two years. During those two years, I was hyper-possessive. Actually, we both were. The relationship ended in a pretty ugly way, and a lot of things happened that really brought to surface my insecurities. I ended up feeling quite resentful towards women. Learning about the red pill fit with my experience of how she basically didn't commit to the relationship, and was just in it for a quick thrill until it initial stuff faded away. Whether this was actually the case or just a belief I held is up for question, but the fact of the matter is that I really seemed true to me at the time.

Fast forward a couple more 2+ year relationships, I was much more focussed on myself. I worked out a lot. At the time I was in the military as well (actually, I started while dating my first girlfriend). I was really focussed on being a tough man. But really it's because deep inside I felt emasculated. So it was a face I carried on myself to compensate.

Even though I was fit and (acted) "alpha", I still felt afraid inside. I was afraid of losing my girlfriends, afraid they would run off with someone else. This made me feel like I constantly had to make myself better, to stand out from the competition. This way of thinking spiralled into a lot of negative places. It took away from those really nice moments I could have been spending with my girlfriends.

When I look back on my relationships with my girlfriends, the moments I cherish the most were actually the ones that were rather mundane. While it's true sex is great, one of my favourite moments ever was giving my 2nd girlfriend a chocolate bar as a surprise and seeing her smile in delight and appreciation. I felt a strong feeling in that moment, call it love. Like a waterfall. And it made me smile.

Relationships are really about this energy we call love. See, I was under the impression during my days of insecurity to give less to keep it for myself. After the breakup with my first girlfriend, I erected walls around my heart to ensure I wouldn't be hurt again. I was generally "half in" all the time, like a poker player holds his cards close to his chest. I'm sure many of you relate to this. It feels like when you put yourself out there emotionally, you expose yourself to being hurt. You learn when you get burned.

But, what I've learned is that when you give, you actually gain. You gain memories and moments that make life worth living. You gain positive feelings and happiness. The times I've been hurt - I didn't see this at the time - were times I created in my own mind. Like little prisons where I blamed the girls for causing my pain.

It was never them who caused it. I just lost touch with that part of myself that was open, hopeful, and free. I thought someone had stuck a knife in my back, really it was a knife I was pushing in myself.

I know this to be true because after the breakup with my second girlfriend, I distinctly remember feeling extremely low, then recalling the misery of the first breakup, and choosing instead, "I don't want to feel this way", and I ended in that instant what could have been several months of depression. And I got myself back. My free self, my happy self, my hopeful self. It was my will, and my decision. Because it's my mind. And I choose what I think. Right? And I know now I have that power, so I'm not afraid to put myself out there anymore. And because of that, I'm not insecure.

And because I'm not insecure, I don't spend my days thinking about how to make myself "better" (to mask my insecurities). I don't spend time dwelling in jealousy and insecurity. Instead, I spend quality time with my current girlfriend (7 years so far). I can barely even remember the last time I thought a fearful thought about losing her or being jealous. We share our happiness with each other. That's our relationship. And we have so many beautiful moments together.

Now I'm writing this because I know there is likely some of you that can relate to this struggle, and I want you to know that you have the power to create any feeling inside yourself. You do it all the time, though you might not realise you are doing it. It's how you think, your attitude, the beliefs you hold that make up the stories in your mind - all this determines how you feel. And you can change the way you think at the drop of a penny.

Nobody can make you feel a certain way. Nobody can cause you pain or bring you joy. But by being yourself, by being open, by giving, you find yourself, and you realise you have everything in you already. Giving is receiving.

Within myself I have the ability to feel happy, to feel joyful, to feel fulfilled. Nobody can do this for me. If I look outside myself to fill a void, I'll always feel either empty or afraid. But if I look within, with a quiet mind, I can find a never-ending source of feelings of happiness, of inspiration, of ideas. It's just underneath your normal habitual thinking patterns.

Blessings, friends.