TL;DR:

As early as possible when you meet someone new, tell yourself you like them. Like them before you know them. Here’s one of many reasons this is beneficial: Every man I meet is in some way my superior; and in that I can learn of him. (Emerson).

Disclaimers: Don’t be this guy, and don’t be naive - evaluate the context of the interaction before applying this mentality. For example, if you’re in a particularly shady area of some run down city, then don’t “like everyone”..

Context:

I learned this during a week long leadership training course I attended for work in May 2015. The course was administered by three expert behavioral and social psychologists. One of the instructors admitted that he had struggled throughout his life to be social and make new friends - noting that even today it still requires a tremendous conscious effort. That really hit home for me, as I’m sure it does many of you. During one of the breaks we were on, I had an impromptu one on one with him and told him that I was shocked that I could learn to be social. He offered me three very important tips that have changed my life forever:

  1. Read How to Win Friends and Influence People.

  2. Seek out others who are nervous or shy about socializing

  3. Like everyone.

Tips Explained:

How to Win Friends and Influence People: Here’s an extremely brief summary of the book - show genuine interest in others. If you do not have any interest in others at all, stop reading right now, you’re a hopeless case.

Seek out others who are nervous/shy: To paraphrase the psychologist, who we’ll call Jim, “If you’re nervous about being somewhere where you don’t know anyone, seek out anyone else who appears to be in the same situation. You have something in common before you even start talking - you’re both uncomfortable. When someone breaks the ice with you who’s empathetic to your situation, that’s quite a relief.”

Like everyone: This is most likely to cause a knee-jerk reaction, but it will make more sense in a moment. Here’s how Jim learned this lesson from his boss at work. This discussion took place after Jim had been on the phone with a potential client.

Boss: So, did you like him?

Jim: Well, I don’t know, we’ve only just spoken to each other. I really don’t know anything about him, the conversation was really just on business.

Boss: Do you like him or not?

Jim: I really can’t answer that question based on our call…

Boss: Had you liked him, do you suppose that you’d be smiling while talking?

Jim: Maybe, I guess I would have.

Boss: Have you ever spoken over the phone with someone while they’re smiling?

Jim: Sure, all the time.

Boss: You could hear it in their voice, right? How else would you know they’re smiling. If you had liked him he would know you were happy to speak with him. That makes every new conversation better. You should like everyone you speak with, especially if you’ve never met them. They’ll notice, and it will make them comfortable.”

Jim followed up the story with: “That’s all people want, really. They just want to be liked. Sure we like money, good food, all the things everyone wants. But really, we just want people to like us. That’s all you need to do. When people notice you like them (and they will!), they’ll be happy that you’re interacting with them.” If you take nothing else from this post - please try this. The next few people that you meet; like them. Tell yourself “I like this person.” It’s a very simple drill and no harm will come of it. Give it a shot. This has completely turned around my social life.

Some things I’ve learned from experience:

Do not make petty judgements about others: Ugly haircut? Umm, OK. Dressed like a dirtbag? Who gives a fuck. Socially awkward? Uhhhhh you too. Grunt when they lift? So what. The list could go on forever. This is the reason that as men get older they give less fucks. They finally realize that thinking negatively about others for dumbshit reasons is a waste of thought and in no way benefits them. This will free you from insecurity. The less you think negatively about others, the less you will worry about others thinking negatively about you.

AMOG: If you ever do this consciously, you are a dumbass. Absolutely do not try to do this in a group of friends. Be respected and you’re good to go. You don’t need to be AMOG to be attractive so drop that bullshit. That position is earned through hard work.

Conclusion:

Like everyone you meet. You might just make some new friends.