Dear friends, I decided to make this post in order for you to gain a little more fun out of your interactions with plates. What I propose is a point-ranking system, which not only keeps things interesting for you and her, but keeps her obedient to your wishes. The system is adapted from a game (of sorts) developed by me and a few college roommates, whereby each of us were allotted a certain number of points every Sunday, say, 100 points, creating the start of a new game. As the week progressed, whenever one of us would fuck up in some manner, whether large or trivial, the other witnessing roomies would collectively dock points from the offender’s point pool. A typical scene might go like this:

I accidentally spill a little beer on my shirt while raising it to my lips and my roommates see my mistake. “Minus five, bro.” “Yeah, dude, you’re getting sloppy.”

The implication of this scene is that my misstep in the social interaction caused my image to be tainted, and subsequently a docking of points was necessary. I am now at 95 points. We did this to (and for) each other all week, after any incident that might warrant a deduction of points. Whether it was spilling beer, playing music too loud too early, not locking the door, obstinately disagreeing with something blatantly obvious, really anything went. The key is that the offender must recognize his wrong, and accept his punishment, the essence of the game. The person with the least amount of points by Friday afternoon was responsible for buying that weekend’s supply of booze.

Since leaving college, I extended and refined this point system to exclude my drinking buddies and to include my harem of women. It is important, however, to play the game much more subtly with your plates, and not to overtly explain the rules of the game to her as I have done for you. The reason is that she will inevitably be defiant at first, and will refuse to “play” and as a result, will see you as shallow and childish (the horror, the horror). Now, shortly after bedding a ho for the first time, I will be on the lookout for lapses in her behavior. She walked through my apartment without first taking off her shoes?

“Minus one.” “Um, what?” “Minus…one.” “I don’t get it.” “You will.”

After she commits a few of these transgressions, as all hos will, she will wonder what on earth I mean by constantly subtracting imaginary numbers from the sky. I will then proceed to explain the rules to her, at which point she will question what her score is currently. In lieu of the generous 100 points my roomies and I lent to one-another, I grant only 25 points to my hos. 50 if she’s really hot or is a good cook. The severity of the transgression merits a proportional deduction in points. For example, she doesn’t take off her shoes upon entering the house? One point deduction. She attacks my masculinity by bashing me in front of my friends? Minus 20. The key difference between this version of the game and the one I played in college, is that I do not expect the gurl to pay for alcohol on Friday. The expectation (which you must make clear if you wish to play this game) is that you will drop her unconditionally if her score reaches zero. Upon learning of her shockingly low score, she will get her act together and begin to do right by her past sins. You can choose to reward her with point for good behavior if you want to, but that’s only your choice.

Play at your discretion. Some plates will get bitter, others will think it’s fun, but all of them will be at the very least more conscious of their behavior around you. And each will make an effort to please you. On top of this, you will have some fun watching them dance. Just remember to carry around a note pad with you if you’re bad at math.