My First Girlfriend

My First Girlfriend

With a quarter ounce of shrooms sitting in my hands, looking pleadingly into my best friends eyes. Arguably the man who taught me how to flirt before game was a formed concept in my mind.

Yeah I’ll babysit you. We’ll go out to a house party or hit the bars? Don't worry, I'll think of something.

So I ate my second quarter out of that half of mushrooms that had magically fallen into my lap. Feeling assured I was in good hands. Only to hear an hour later;

…this is why you need to get a girlfriend.

The door closed shut behind him.

Those last few words ringing in my head until Mom found me in the morning. Laying in the dark, on the living room floor, wrapped in a fuzzy blanked. Listening to Yheti.

My mind was a little warped from this event as illustrated by my behavior weeks later.

Dropping all my plates for this lovely ho.

She Was a Ho

She really was:

• She had restraints on her bed.

• Has a bigger toy selection than Patrice O'Neal

• Flies with a dildo when she travels.

• We use to pull over on the side of the highway to fuck.

• Fucking in the changing rooms at the mall.

• Taking her out hiking. To fuck a little ways off the trail.

• She’d start playing with my dick at house parties, in front of other people.

I’m not trying to talk myself up like I was the big man here; these were all her ideas.

Romantically holding each other in the after glow of love making, I was stupid enough to ask her how many guys she had fucked.

You’re my forty-ninth.

Thank god we were in the shower.

This dandy would slut shame the strippers we partied with while wearing no underwear to work as a bartender to receive bigger tips.

There were plenty of Red Flags warning me not to do it but she had that bomb pussy.

She was the first woman I fucked who actively did kegels.

Fuck. Have you ever had a vagina grab onto your dick, denying your ability to exit?

That dope was addicting.

I Fell in Love with that Bitch

Part of me still probably loves her.

We’re actually fucking friends when she’s out of committed relationships.

Head over heels wouldn’t be right. I always understood something was a miss in regards to the Disney Princess mantra toted by society.

Alas, listening to her because she had more experience in failed relationships than me.

And did all the bull shit you’re expected to do:

• Compromised

Or in other words, sacrificed my happiness for her's.

• Dropped my other girls.

Because that’s what love means. Just one woman…

• Opened up about my traumas and hardships.
• Leaned on her for support.
• Treated her as a rational equal.
• Alienated my friends and family.
• Planned goals and a future with her, my life partner.

Then got pissy with her. Vindictively countering my own goals when she failed to push through hers, because that makes sense?

Honestly the list goes on and on.

The point is, I did everything Disney and society tells you to do for a happy and loving relationship despite my gut screaming at me the entire time. Can you guess how it ended?

As a toxic roller coaster of extreme drug fulled, emotional highs and lows.

We really believed we cared about each other because we were always screaming.

Always fighting.

All that emotion.

I tolerated her poor behaviors because the sex was good.

Not the Only Man

One of the first guys to fall victim to her after me, was a good friend from wrestling. The abundance of kinky sex had him hooked worse than his pill habits.

This man became obsessive.

She's cute, intelligent, one of the guys, she liked to dress slutty up, was well traveled and could hold a conversation.

She cooks, keeps a clean house.

Has a beautiful selection of female friends and enough orbiters to match.

She was going to college, seemingly having goals she’s failed to accomplish but hey at least she’s got goals.

If you missed the fact she’s a slut, she appears from the surface, a good catch.

Guys in her serious relationships end up extremely possessive and jealous.

As a siren, she prays on inexperienced men, luring them in while wielding her femininity like a dagger. Cutting her man's throat.

Exclaiming in genuine shock and bewilderment, What's happened to you?

Years later, one of my wing man took the bait. He got hooked by the sex, not the actual woman.

Ol’ boy's still drinking himself goofy over her. Failing to realize, it's the man's job to lead the sex game the way he wants it.

More Billy Bob Betapants Behaviors:

I know I already said it but this woman was a freak. Rough is too tame of a word to describe her fantasies.

The more in love with her I became, the less rough I'd be willing to fuck her.

The exact opposite of most my plates behaviors.

The longer our relationship went on, the more I treated her intelligence as an equal, instead of that of a child’s.

This actually still happens to a lesser extend with girlfriends long term plates. Over time, I realize how smart they're capable of being; forgetting no matter how intelligent, woman's emotions win out over their logic.

Eliminating any fear of replacement/competition by letting her know I stopped seeing other girls.

Moving in together after half a year because we were inseparable was a another terrible idea.

Seems to be a common trend with a lot of younger folks. Moving in together quite too quickly. Getting engaged after two years because it’s the next step

Touched on planning goals around/with her.

What the fuck are you going to do when she inevitably leaves?

Yelling and screaming at each other in public made a lot of folks uncomfortable.

Went from the cute, power couple everyone loved. To friends not letting me bring her over because we always fought after a year or so together.

The fact we never got a domestic is a blessing.