There is a constant stream of "I am/emulate Dark Triad" or "my girlfriend was totally BPD/Narcissistic and destroyed me bro". Chances are, you're not, and/or your oneitis wasn't.

They're about 1.5-2% of the population. That seems small, but if you compare it to your uni/college social sphere, you probably know a few. Fun fact: Cluster B shows up much more often as socioeconomic status and education increase.

This post will rid you of armchair psychology, and give you accurate information about the following in the context of personal relationships:

  • Properly defining the general disorder

  • Practical, punchy tips to find and deal with these types

Classifying

Most iterations of these disorders fall into "Cluster B". Cluster B is:

characterized by dramatic, overly emotional or unpredictable thinking or behavior

Whereas Cluster A captures the "odd and eccentric" such as paranoid or schizo, and Cluster C captures "anxious and fearful" such as obsessive compulsive or avoidant/dependent, Cluster B is one of the more "functional" of the extreme abnormal psychologies, because those afflicted generally aren't immediately recognizable.

Most A and C don't leave the house much, and if they do, they are generally manifestly identified, i.e. you can tell just by looking. Bs, on the other hand, are lurking unseen among us. Narcissists and Borderlines are Cluster B.

Key Definitions

  • Depend on "narcissistic supply"

Cluster B have a clear goal: fuel their own self obsession. This is termed "narcissistic supply" and applies to those that aren't strictly narcissists. The most important thing to understand is that they care for nothing but this supply. The rest of their words, actions, and beliefs are an act to further the supply.

This is not posting your ass on instagram, or putting hoes before bros. Normal people can do that just fine.

Bs define and derive their ego from other's reactions to an image they present and project. He or she depends entirely on other people to determine their "self", but considers the sources of this fuel inferior or contemptible.

This makes a true B volatile and amorphous, but absolutely sure of themselves RIGHT NOW.

Have you met someone completely sure of their ever changing beliefs?

  • Co-idealize the partner, and depend on that co-idealization

Bs create a fantasy about you as a partner, then use that fantasy to fuel their supply. "You are so talented/handsome/social/strong" is a vessel for the reflexive thought of "what does that mean for me?" The only answer to this fantasy is that the B must also be equally incredible, if not greater for finding you.

Keep in mind, this co-idealization is not purely romantic. Bs also carry this out in friendships and acquaintances.

This shared fantasy must be perfect, as they cannot exist without it. The fantasy must be perfect for the Narc/B herself, and you must be a perfect participant. This does not mean a Narc cannot survive conflict, they simply dissociate from the conflict, should you be willing to propagate the fantasy.

Have you ever had a fight that was "over" without real resolution?

  • Possess a dual reality, with a partial self awareness.

This is the most important part. True Cluster Bs do not experience regular emotion. They feel INTENSE emotion. Bs are VOLATILE, though some in different ways (detailed in bullets below). They also have an internal database for "how people behave".

If a Narc/BPD ("N/B") is smiling right now, they have accessed the "how do people look when happy" database and acted accordingly. This is her or his reality database. Lived experiences exist in a specific, compartmentalized place in the Narc's mind. They are tools to "fit in" or use you.

The N/B also lives and breathes a fantasy. The N/B creates a Disneyland that you both live in - their fantasy and reality, for the most part, coexist without the N/B's awareness. Any awareness of the conflict between fantasy and reality is an attack. It is deeply unsettling for a Cluster B to be presented with their fantasy as a fantasy. Any devaluation of the fantasy is a devaluation of the B herself/himself. You shit on their work of art, essentially.

Cluster Bs are essentially in a constant post-traumatic state, gilded with grandiosity. If you interfere with their idealization of you, or their internal fantasy, you are now reduced to an object to be either controlled again or destroyed. Neither is good.

Practical Advice

  • All Cluster Bs have their own unique disorder

This is especially true of Borderlines. Narcs and psychopathic types are generally "classifiable". Regardless, it is a waste of time to define why your particular crazy person is crazy. ID the crazy and act accordingly (that's usually "get the fuck out").

  • Narcs have an "Island of Stability" (kudos Sam Vaknin)

Narcissists possess most of the above characteristics, but pick one thing that is rock solid. Male Narcs usually pick things that can be "shown off" externally, e.g. careers, money, or appearance. Female Narcs tend to pick things that are an "extension of themselves" (if not their own body) such as social circles, close friends, or children.

Regardless, what defines a NARCISSIST is their island of stability, while Borderlines and actual psychos are pure chaos.

  • Praise and co-idealization are different

We should all seek a partner that notices and makes us aware of our "good parts". The important aspect is recognizing where this behavior is designed to control. If someone is telling you are hot, cool, or successful, that's not immediately an issue. If you sense they're doing it because their association with you is why they are saying it, take a closer look.

  • Borderlines are amorphous, but identifiable

Most Borderlines are women, most true Narcs men. No Borderline is identical. Borderlines are identifiable from their "metamorphosis" between a number of Cluster Bs and personalities. The change is sudden and distinct. What defines a Borderline is their sudden, complete lack of self awareness while they shapeshift. A Borderline will exhibit neurotypical, narcissistic, psychopathic, sadistic, et al. What makes them Borderline is their sudden and unaware change.

Conclusion

Having coached a lot of guys through some disordered bitches, I can tell you that sometimes the problem was said guy. The goal of this post is to technically detail who is what and how to identify.

Personally, I'm fine fucking crazy - as long as I know what kind of crazy I am fucking. Crazy can be fun, a mechanical bull some unseen force is controlling, but always a fun run if you know what you're getting into and can dismount without getting hurt.

For the majority, let's stop putting labels on things that are just "you getting fucked over". Best to face reality. This is my guide, and best of luck to you.