On getting too many comfort tests. Is there such thing as over-dominance?

-PopeOfNope- · 2015-03-16T05:53:19+00:00

Try surprising her with a thoughtful gift. If you really do fall too far on the Alpha side of the alpha/beta balance needed for an LTR, she'll be ecstatic at the gesture.

Another possibility is her marriage clock is ticking. A lot of LTRs essentially "time out" because the woman sees the LTR as a brief stop on her way to marriage. When a certain amount of time has passed and it becomes clear to her that your SMP has raised beyond her ability to make you commit, she'll get increasingly anxious.

PhantomDream09 · 2015-03-16T10:23:58+00:00

I agree that there's a lot of discussion about sh-t tests, while comfort tests are generally glossed over (or worse, users are advised to respond to comfort tests as though they are sh-t tests, which inevitably makes the woman feel even more uncertain and insecure). Within the context of a long-term relationship or marriage, it's imperative that the man knows how to differentiate between a sh-t test and a comfort test. Being able to do so consistently requires the man to understand his woman, her moods, ticks, tells, and overall tendencies.

In general, sh-t tests can be classified as acts/statements that are meant to challenge the man, catch him off-guard, undermine his position, and create static. A biting comment, or back-handed compliment in front of friends or family is stated solely to weaken a man's reputation for the sake of making the woman appear to occupy a position of higher status.

Comfort tests on the other hand, are not a play for dominance, nor are they meant to disrupt the dynamic of a relationship- instead, they are opportunities for a man to reinforce his status as a trusted leader. Comfort tests, by their very nature, require a woman to expose herself by showing vulnerability. A good leader won't make the mistake of slapping away a hand stretched out in deference and need.

There are different ways to handle comfort tests, and some women need a lot of comfort and reassurance - which isn't really a bad thing (so long as she seeks you out during those times, and not just anyone that happens to be available). When I seek out /u/OccamsUsername for comfort, he banishes my doubts a few different ways, depending on the situation.

Sometimes he will state things plainly and in a factual manner: "Everything is fine. We're going to fix this by...[insert plan outline]", or he'll explain that he's not going anywhere so long as I continue to 'hold up my end of the bargain' (I know exactly what he expects of me as his girlfriend, and by being the best significant other that I can be, he is happy to continue looking after my best interests and keep me close). Other times, all he has to do to break through my fog of apprehension by distracting me and getting me to laugh (he might pick me up and toss me around a bit, tease me gently, or utilize one of the insides jokes that we share). If I am particularly distraught, he will simply take me in his arms and hold me quietly until I feel a bit more calm.

The truth is, it's incredibly easy for him to dispel any insecurity I may feel because he knows me extraordinarily well. He understands what motivates me, and what gives me a sense of accomplishment and purpose. I trust him absolutely, and he is mindful of how much influence and power he wields as a result. My trust in him means that when he tells me things will be fine, I can immediately shrug off whatever was bothering me and move forward without hesitation. This is why it's so important to cultivate a dynamic that encourages a woman to trust, admire, and feel secure with you in a relationship. Yes, she has to understand and abide by the boundaries of the relationship, but calibration is essential. A woman that never feels protected (so long as she acts in a loving and loyal manner) will inevitably withdraw and distance herself - which in turn will make it even more difficult for you to effectively pass comfort tests.

I know everything I have mentioned is fairly vague, perhaps if you explained how her comfort tests are manifesting, as well as what you think are driving them, I may be able to be a bit more specific.

makethemwant · 2015-03-16T13:52:42+00:00

Short answer: Yes, there is such a thing as too much dominance. If you want to be happy in an LTR you ought to strive to be the leader - the person the pack follows out of trust that he will take care of needs - and not the dominator - the person the pack follows out of fear of potential negative consequences.

xAFC · 2015-03-16T06:04:20+00:00

I remember reading a thread quite a while back (no chance in finding it to link) where the guy experienced an almost identical comfort test. In which he passed by explaining that while it's true he doesn't NEED her per se, he does WANT her, and enjoys her company and the positive things she brings to his life. I think this could work well for you.

fhghg · 2015-03-16T06:41:30+00:00

Just keep the relationship on your terms. If she stays then you're boss. If she leaves then you avoided her being boss. It hurts to see them go but it's always better that they do. If you really want to keep her you have to work a bit. This doesn't mean asking her what needs to be done. That's the worst thing you can do. It means having vision and taking initiative. You do this with your guy friends and they do it with you. Someone has to plan and invite people for the hunting trip. Same with a girl. You've got to make plans, state plans. Build a space for her. It's not beta to provide for her, give flowers, take her shopping. It's not even beta to carry her purse, necessarily. Even that! (But only do it in private lest you embarrass her) If these actions are done on your initiative because that's how you want the world to work then that's all you. If she's cooked and cleaned and fucked like a good girl then she deserves a reward. It's not hen pecked or pussy whipped. That happens when you let her decide what plans you'll make and what work you'll do. If you want something for yourself but you're doing something for her that's a clear sign you're wrong. If you're doing something for her and she thought of it first that's another sign you're wrong. Take initiative. Lead. Reward. Give her your time. The minute you feel uneasy, stop. That means that either 1) she isn't responding to your energy because she just wants to make you a beta bitch or 2) you're making a bitch out of yourself.

captainpixystick · 2015-03-16T18:51:31+00:00

One thing that I hate the most is how men have to be the ones to make LTRs work. I'm fucking sick of having to be the one figuring this shit out all to make a woman commit and be happy. It's no wonder why men don't want to marry anymore, these bitches require too much work, more than they're worth.

makethemwant · 2015-03-16T13:48:57+00:00

Shaggy Dog, you say:

I can't quite pinpoint what I have done wrong. I have taken TRP directives on passing comfort tests such as giving her my masculine energy, giving her some comfort and relief, making her feel like first mate rather than a sailor, etc. but evidently it has not been so effective

PhantomDream09 says:

it’s imperative to know the difference between shit tests and comfort tests
shit tests are actions which try to challenge you and take away your power.
comfort tests are true expressions of vulnerability - an expression of an important need
comfort tests are a great way opportunity to demonstrate your ability as a trusted leader by dispelling her insecurity.
her boyfriend is able to dispel her insecurities because she feels that he knows her really well.

Me: ShaggyDog, it sounds like you are trying to use boiler-plate strategies for passing comfort tests. I agree with PhantomDream09 that you need to use your understanding of your LTR to guide how you deal with her. You need to know her well enough to figure out how to dispel this anxiety without giving her your power. Knowing her comes from watching her, observing her, paying attention to the needs she expresses non-verbally. What tone of voice does she need to hear from you in order to feel comfortable? How does the level of excitement in your voice affect her comfort levels? What subject matters make her feel comfortable? Does she feel more comfortable if you ask her about her day, or if you bring her flowers, or if you do something really nice, just for her, that shows that you really understand her and care for her? By the time she’s expressing things verbally, in the form of comfort tests, it means you’ve failed quite a few non-verbal comfort tests already.

If you’re not willing to take the time to observe her and care about the things she needs to feel comfortable, then any contrived actions will be false and doomed to failure. Might as well let her go until you find someone who you think is worth your time getting to know.

2015-03-16T16:10:17+00:00

Nope, OP is right early on in the post. You have her exactly where you want her. The conversation was a comfort test. Just tell her you aren't going anywhere. She won't believe you of course, but it will end the convo. What she will do is improve her side of the relationship for all of a minute. Then you will get comfortable, and then she will shit test more.

And the cycle of "love" goes on and on and on.

You're welcome OP. This is why so many people are anti marriage AND anti LTR. Too much fucking work.

(disclosure, I'm married) we are on my get comfortable week. Next week I'll do something that improves myself even more, which will bring dread around to her busy week. Shit never ends.

2015-03-16T20:25:12+00:00

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BluepillProfessor · 2015-03-19T15:14:55+00:00

There can absolutely be to much dominance. In a married situation we often use the sex frequency and compliance as a guide.

If she is giving it up on demand and delivers a whiny, crying type of test then assume it is a comfort test, NOT a shit test and take her in your arms. Try a bit more Beta.

If she is rude, nasty, bitchy, or cold, and/or she is not giving it up on the regular then you can be assured she needs the tingles so up the Alpha even more.

Tedski44 · 2015-03-16T06:27:29+00:00

my LTR explicitly stated that she is very insecure, because she feels that I am becoming "too much independent" and look like that I "don't need the relationship" and "will be just fine if the relationship was to end at any moment".

If she's being open to you on that level, it sounds like you're doing something right. It's funny, the moment I feel like I have everything figured out is the moment it all falls apart. For me, feeling grateful to have these challenges in my life helps a lot, I usually have to check myself to make sure secure, then I can give her attention. When my girlfriend is feeling especially sensitive is when the comfort tests start flying out, and I'm not always in tune to them. My advice would be first take care of yourself, make sure you feel centered, then talk to her about what she's feeling, and when you do, discount trying to fix any of her problems, just let her talk about what's going on with her. Women are volatile, one moment they want to have your children, the next you're the nastiest asshole they've ever met. It's like David Deida said, women are like the ocean, constantly changing. If anything, the fact that's she's comfortable talking about these things with you is a good thing, it means she trusts you, she's in the moment, get in there with her, don't worry about the future, or past, just let her blah about the now.

oldredder · 2015-03-16T10:43:15+00:00

If the woman doesn't feel enough dread she'll upgrade over you. It's that simple.

You have to go nuclear-hard on dread and value above her, real value she can't deny, before she ejects out of fear she can't keep you. Are you doing that?

That doesn't mean you can't give her comfort, show her you value her but you know if you show too much she'll think she's in charge and she won't even want you anymore.

If she's not having hysterical fits or crying you're going to leave her because she's not good enough for you, probably you're actually in the ideal zone.

Nothing ever looks ideal with women's emotions so.... generally this doesn't look like a situation for any couple to worry about.

Maybe this, and many women, have no idea anymore what it's like to be in a real relationship not with a beta mangina who can't lead worth shit and maybe for her it's just a shock to be with a real man and she needs to get used to it.

MattyAnon · 2015-03-16T05:37:46+00:00

have you considered telling her to get a fucking grip?

Seriously though... I get the shit testing at the start of things. But if it keeps happening (like more than a couple of dumbass statements a month), why are you bothering with her? She sounds high maintenance. Ignore it all, you don't need it.

somlogs · 2015-03-16T04:26:47+00:00

She sounds like she is just shifting the angle of shit tests.

awfukbye · 2015-03-16T22:13:26+00:00

You are just dating a narcissist/bp disorder female

NeoreactionSafe · 2015-03-16T14:32:05+00:00

Sounds like when she used her Hypergamy to latch onto you in the first place she ALREADY felt like she was reaching higher in the heirarchy than she expected to ever get.

Now you are getting more Red Pill and getting EVEN HIGHER than before.

My advice would be to send her to:

/r/RedPillWomen

...and see if she can improve herself. They can teach her some Charm.

She sounds like she is worried you are out of her league. (fear of you leaving)

Charming women never do what she is doing. (RedPillWomen will explain it best)

Title	On getting too many comfort tests. Is there such thing as over-dominance?
Author	ShagggyDog
Upvotes	19
Comments	33
Date	March 16, 2015 4:07 AM UTC (11 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/TheRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/TheRedPill/comments/2z765d/on_getting_too_many_comfort_tests_is_there_such/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/TheRedPill/on-getting-too-many-comfort-tests-is-there-such.30265 https://theredarchive.com/post/30265

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