RedPill homework: Learn to say "no"

It's hard to describe how useful that simple, one-syllable declaration is, but "no" is probably the most powerful statement you can make to someone. It's also a hard utterance to make, or at least it was for me. Whether it was due to a natural predilection or my bluepill upbringing, for years I internalized the idea that non-reciprocated altruism was noble. And it can be - I would highly recommend becoming a Big Brother or volunteering at a food shelter / cause you care about - but there must be a sincere demarcation in your mind between altruistically spending your time on worthy causes / worthwhile people, expecting nothing in return, and being “altruistic” with the covert belief that you’ll earn something in return through your purported kindness. The former is worthwhile, character-building, and enriches your life. The latter, however, is where you become a willing pawn for someone else’s needs, never receiving what you actually want because you’ve never made your intentions clear.

In a romantic context, we’re talking the friend zone or long-term relationships where men become controlled by their girlfriends in the same way, believing that through endless kindness, their needs will be reciprocated, while the other party just takes it for granted. This has been written about ad nauseam, and with better skill, so no need to get into it. However, outside of the romantic context, this is problematic as well. I’ve seen friends who live their life based on their parents’ desires, because they’re too afraid to say “no, I don’t want to do that – this is my life, not yours.” In business, if you’re not willing to say no and walk away from the table, you’ll get crushed by someone who is. People who spread themselves far too thinly between projects because they agree to every proposition, leading to not producing anything of value.

“No” is, inherently, a statement of self-respect. It is a statement that you value whatever it is you’re being asked for more so than you value what’s being offered in return. It turns interactions necessarily transactional. It also tells the other party that you value your time. At its core, it’s the mentality of abundance. If I’m willing to say “no” to somebody, it is because I am willing to walk away. Their offer is not so precious nor unique that I have to take it. And it’s a scary word to use, because you have to truly believe in that abundance. If I say no to the terms of a job offer, I risk losing the offer entirely. If I say no to a girl’s request, I internally have to worry that she’ll walk away. In negotiations, one of the key concepts is the BATNA –the best alternative to negotiated agreement. It creates the minimum value you’re willing to accept. For example, if I have to sell a piece of land and believe it’s worth at least $5mm, I certainly won’t accept an offer of $4mm. If you offer me $4mm, my BATNA tells me to say no and go find a buyer who is willing to spend $5mm. One of the most important keys to using a BATNA appropriately is to never let the other person know what your true BATNA is. You don’t lie – that can be legally fraudulent – but you omit and refuse to state it. In business, if I know your minimum point is $5mm, I certainly won’t offer $6mm. If I think it’s $6mm, however, that’s what I’ll offer. In the romantic context, this is a great rule to follow – never let a girl know your BATNA either. You don’t want her to realize that if she doesn’t see you tonight, you’re just going to watch Game of Thrones. You want her to misperceive your BATNA – if she doesn’t fuck you, you’re going to call up three other willing girls. This, of course, is a well-known concept in seduction. My point, here, is that the word “no” is a shortcut – it is a simple declaration which states, unequivocally, that you’re refusing her offer. That her offer doesn’t meet your self-perceived value. You’ve told her, subtly, “I don’t need you” and you let her mind wander to the reasons why. Basically, you’ve led her to believe your BATNA is different than it is without verbalizing it in a way that makes you seem insecure, defensive, or lying – three attraction killers.

A small example from a few days ago. Some girl contacts me on Tinder. I invite her over. She refuses, calls me, wants me to send her more pictures and a picture of my cock. I laugh, say no. Over the last three days, she’s been sending me gigantic, hyper-sexualized texts, to which I’m responding with a few words or nothing at all. Last night, at 1AM, she sent me a paragraph-long text about how much she loves to get spanked. You need to understand, I’ve done nothing except refuse her initial request – I said no, made fun of her when she threw a tantrum about how lame I was for not sending her more pictures, have been mostly ignoring her overtly sexually messages, and she’s interested enough to send me paragraphs about her sexual kinks. Cool. Now, obviously, she’s a single girl, a single anecdotal example, and I may be off from my analysis, but I believe it was because I refused her initially. I told her that fucking her wasn’t worth complying with her requests and, in my mind, it truly wasn’t. To her, this triggered the notion that I’m high-value enough not to need to jump through hoops for her non-unique pussy. The “no” triggered a belief in a higher BATNA on her part, without me ever needing to overtly say anything. And, honestly, I said no because I didn’t want to play picture collector. I’ve done it before and giving into the girl’s request usually led to nothing but a waste of my time. The 1% of the time that it actually worked isn’t worth the agitation of the other 99%, so why bother? But she doesn’t know the reasons and if I had said no for any reason whatsoever, from being too tired to being afraid of rejection, her mind would have reached the same conclusion it currently has. In other words, saying “no” is a great way to fake it until you make it.

Okay, this has been a long post, and I apologize for that. I didn’t mean to write so much. But here’s the homework aspect. If you’re trying to become more red pill, practice saying no. Don’t say no to the things you truly want, but when you actually don’t want to do something that’s being requested from you, refuse. Be polite, be kind, but be firm. If a girl you know wants to go get lunch with you instead of the drinks you offered, say no. If a girl wants to tell you about her relationship troubles, say no. If someone asks you to do something you don’t want to, say no (obviously the rules are different if it’s a close friend / family with no history of exploiting you). If you get asked to do something, and you’re ambivalent, say no first, and see if a better offer comes up. There’s a good chance you never see the girl for drinks. There’s a good chance the girl who wants you to be her emotional tampon gets offended. There’s a good chance a better offer isn’t forthcoming. But, honestly, who gives a fuck? If your options are between something you don’t want to do with a small chance that it leads to something better, and not doing anything at all in the first place with a small chance it leads to what you actually want, the latter is much better – lower effort, likely more reward. Finally, don’t be afraid to verbalize what you want. Don’t be afraid that people will hate you for refusing them. They won’t – the ones that do are there to exploit you. They may get upset for short periods, but it will pass as they start to see you as a more valuable individual who has discovered self-respect. Tl;dr: Listen to your gut. When you don’t want to do something, say no loudly and clearly. It’s a subtle, easy way to make people realize you internally value yourself and your time.