Since the beginning of time, people have wondered what the most pleasurable feeling in the world is. Is it sex with somebody you love? Is it traveling the world with your best friends? Is it getting high and watching all the Star Wars movies back to back in one sitting?
To help answer this question, the neuroscientist Andrew Huberman conducted a series of experiments where he measured the emotional arousal caused by stimulating various parts of mouse and human brains. Interestingly, Huberman discovered that stimulating a particular area of the brain called the nucleus reuniens creates the strongest positive emotional response in both species. The nucleus reuniens is the part of the brain that is activated when confronting a mildly frustrating challenge that is holding you back from a desirable reward. Huberman also discovered that if the nucleus reuniens is stimulated in the absence of any fear-inducing threat, the subjects feel so much pleasure they will continually work for that feeling, even more so than they would work for sex or drugs or anything else.
In other words, Huberman’s experiment shows that the most pleasurable feeling is confronting a challenge without a threat. From an evolutionary perspective, this should make perfect sense– evolution knows the most important thing we need to do to procure resources and survive is conquer challenges, but evolution also wants to keep us away from danger. Therefore, the human motivational system is in a constant tension between our desire for challenge and our fear of threat, but when we see a challenge with no threat we feel full speed ahead.
The desirability of challenge without threat explains much of human motivation – why certain tasks are exciting and fun and others make us feel bored, frustrated, and angry. For example, people waste their life playing video games but do not actually tackle real, important challenges because video game challenges are perfectly calibrated to a particular skill level and there is no actual threat involved. If you die in Super Mario Bros, you can just come back to life and play again, whereas you feel like you may face real consequences if you fuck up at real challenges.
Challenge without threat is also one of the strongest bases for female attraction. By confronting challenges vicariously through the alpha male, women can enjoy the fun of facing challenges while being shielded from directly confronting the threat. Women also enjoy challenge without threat by chasing the alpha male because the alpha male himself is a valuable prize that requires a challenge to obtain. Challenge without threat is why teasing, “negging,” push-pull, playing hard to get, and ignoring women often increases the woman’s arousal and emotional interest. So long as the woman is somewhat attracted to you and the interaction is fun, playful, and challenging, and she does not feel like there is any real danger (especially danger of rejection), she will be energized, stimulated, and interested.
When you ask attractive women what they want in a guy they often say they want a guy they can “vibe” with or they have “banter” with. In other words, when a top-tier woman can get any guy she wants, the thing she wants most is a fun challenge. In a club full of attractive guys, the main way a guy can stand out is by being challenging. Challenge without threat is the final boss of attraction, and if you can deliver this emotion you will be unstoppable.
Women do not usually consciously think they want a “challenging” partner because the idea of a challenging man conjures images of an abusive asshole or somebody playing games. Instead, the desire for challenge without threat is purely subconscious – is springs from the part of her lizard brain that evolved to focus all her thoughts and emotions on the lion attacking the village rather than the 1,000 things that are going fine. Therefore, you should never allow a woman’s rational brain to realize you are purposely trying to be challenge. Instead, the woman should just feel like you are “fun” and “edgy” and you guys have great “chemistry” and “banter.”
The hardest part of providing challenge without threat is the “without threat” part. Any guy can be challenging in a douchey, off-putting way. In other words, any guy can say “if you want to be with me, you need to suck my dick and make me a sandwich.” Rather, the hard part is to create challenges for her and make her fight for your attention without realizing she is doing so. I go more in-depth on how to feel challenging in the chapter on power, but I can summarize by saying that you must make her feel like you are doing tons of fun stuff, and you have tons of awesome options, and you need a competent and helpful partner, but if she does not stack up, you will take your attention elsewhere, and not because you are purposely trying to play games or be challenging, but just because your life is so awesome.
My clients often say their mind goes blank when they approach women and they have no idea what to say. My response is to approach women with the intention of starting an argument. The argument should not be hostile or serious, bur rather fun, silly, and stupid. For example, you can argue about who you think the best-dressed person in the club is. All you are trying to do is tickle the part of her lizard brain that wants a challenge. And as a practical matter, most of your approaches will not become arguments, but just going in with the mindset of starting an argument makes you more likely to create a fun, challenging conversation.
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