Before anyone says. I KNOW the answer just stop. I just can't seem to do it.

For reasons I can't get into, a friend I've been interested in in a while gave me his username and password for his Gmail. I can't get into why, but he reason is 1000% on both our parts.

Now I'm fucking obsessed with snooping through his Gmail even though that's not what it was intended for.

I have been able to find so much.

  • everything he's googled for the past 8 years.

  • everything he's seen on YouTube for the past 8 years.

  • I know the websites he's signed up for.

  • I know all of his social media, even the ones that aren't intended for public.

  • I was even able to pull up his voice because of Google keeping recordings of when you say "ok Google"

  • I can track his ongoing relationship this is phone and desk top.

The positives:

  • I know he's into me because he's googled my name 200 times in the last 6 months trying to find me. Usually in spurts, like 30 times here, another 20 times there. I'm never hidden unless I want to be found.

  • I know he's not really into porn. He does watch life stuff occasionally but I could only find 2 instances in the last 6 months and it's really mild, no nudity, but a lot of dancing.

  • I have seen Google entries like "How to help a friend who is grieving" and lots of cooking recipes.

The negatives:

  • he's on Tinder and I'm not a fan of that.

  • In feel like a crazy person. I know when he's googling something and not texting me back.

This guy is cute. Marathon runs, broad shoulders. He's always been polite and cordial with me. We play a game online together with some other people. This is the first time we've both been single, and we've been talking more.

I feel like he's a catch and I can see proof of interest. But it's driving me crazy. I can't concentrate properly on my work.

A lot of this is loneliness from Covid. I'm so self isolated right now. All of my friends are deathly afraid of Covid. I'm not talking to my family because of a huge fight (things will get better but they need to blow over). I'm so lonely and looking at these intimate details of his life, I feel more connected with him than I should or than I have any right to feel.

I cannot be honest with him about this - I've already gone so far that I would look crazy not only to him but everyone else in our community of online gamers.

I can't really refuse his email and password - I know it already! And asking him to change it and not tell me would be exceptionally weird given that we do for each other with our emails.

I've given him my email too but mine was a new one with none of this information attached. He didn't know that Google collected this much info on him. I know things in have no business knowing, like when he first googled "how to kiss a girl" to every game he's signed up for, to the contact info of his parents, to the name of his best friend from high school.

I can't deal with this. I wish I had never snooped - not that I'm anti snooping, but because it's destroyed my attention span in this lock down. I'm obsessed with finding out more to increase my chances of getting a guy who in many ways is really pure. There was a news story last year about a lot of gets getting abandoned, and he googled it. Then he googled how to adopt those cats, followed by Amazon orders for cat equipment and googling things like "how to properly pick up a cat" and "how should cats be groomed, and omg this one kills me "signs of depression in my cat". One day he clearly got drunk and one of the things he googled was "will my sister be ok if she marries her fiance?"

Like fuck this guy is so kind and I'm just a monster for looking through this garbage.

I want a chance with him, but I'm also a monster. I think he's really cautious of Covid and he's not asking me out (he Google's Covid cases a lot) because of it. He googled me fucking 200 times! That's not including the names of known family members and the exes of mine he knew by name. I think he was just trying to see how to connect to my profile in any way he could. I was so happy to see that I laughed out loud like a maniac in my apartment. I've been so lonely that it feels amazing to know that our dribbles of texting meant more to him too, and that it might be a pandemic that's getting in the way of this escalating. But as I saw how... Innocent this guy is, I just felt so fucking bad about myself.

What do I do? I've never been in any situation like this.

I do want to emphasize that I've had access to his Gmail on and off for about a year because of this game (we help each other cheat a little bit by staying logged in for each other essentially). If I just stopped reciprocating that everyone would find it weird and assume I was mad or intentionally messing things up. Given that it's a really really niche game (less than 4000 players), I can't say exactly why this arrangement suits us all within the game, but it does. So I can't just say "take it back! Change your password!" Etc.

I try to remember things from FDS like "If he wanted to, he would" (ask me out).

I don't know. This is so hard. I can't stop trying to look for more info. But I need to stop for my own sanity. And I'm not so sure how this should influence hoe I act with him.