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How should I answer “Have you ever been in a serious relationship?” without revealing that I’m a virgin?

questionasker012 · 2021-03-25T03:12:13+00:00

Someone on a dating app just asked me “Have you ever been in a serious relationship?” Though I'm 24, I have never had a boyfriend. I've also...

questionasker012

March 25, 2021

23 upvotes

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Post Information

Title	How should I answer “Have you ever been in a serious relationship?” without revealing that I’m a virgin?
Author	questionasker012
Upvotes	23
Comments	18
Date	March 25, 2021 3:12 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askFDS
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askfds/comments/mcoi5p/how-should-i-answer-have-you-ever-been-in-a-/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askFDS/how-should-i-answer-have-you-ever-been-in-a.1629272 https://theredarchive.com/post/1629272

Comments

[–]shellofthemshellf32 points 5 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

[–]questionasker0129 points 5 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

[–]shellofthemshellf28 points 5 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

[–]questionasker0123 points 5 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

[–]shellofthemshellf20 points 5 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

You really don’t ever need to tell any man these things, especially so early in getting to know them. What does it change for them? I’m seriously asking—if he is HVM, would your sexual inexperience change how he treats you? No. If he is LVM, would your sexual inexperience change how he treats you? Yes—it signals to a LVM that he can coerce you into weird or abusive sexual dynamics, that he can stealthily remove a condom, that you might not be savvy enough to ask to see an STD test...all kinds of things.

Similarly, what does your never having been in a relationship change for a HVM? If you don’t outright tell him, he may pick up on some clues about it but he would still treat you with respect and honor your boundaries and pace. He would do everything to prove himself worthy of your trust, being respectful throughout all interactions.

A LVM finds out you’ve never been in a relationship? Puts a target in your back for predators. Tells him you’re easier to manipulate, control, abuse. Tells him that you’ll be blinded by lovebombing, fooled by breadcrumbing, etc etc.

Brush off the relationship question(s) in the future. AND If a man point-blank asks sexual questions, immediate block. No reason to discuss sex with a stranger because we don’t have sex before commitment which is months in the future after a lot of vetting.

[–]throwaway2300434515 points 5 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

[–]FrozenExpanse7 points 5 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

[–]questionasker0125 points 5 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

[–]Hhjjuuy3 points 5 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

Bringing up past relationships early is to me a red flag in itself. It's invasive and shows me that this man is clueless to the reality of women's romantic lives under patriarchy. Your last relationships could have ended with a restraining order or a hospital stay, just asking that question shows that they have given absolutely no thought to or have any empathy for male violence and the inherent risks of dating as a het woman. Please don't use what men consider normal and commonplace to be a standard of acceptability in dating.

And regardless of all the implications this question has, since it's a question that clearly makes you uncomfortable just consider it a standard. One of your criteria for dating is a man who doesn't ask about previous relationships early on. That's a perfectly fine standard to have and being able to roll your eyes and block the next time this comes up will cause you far less stress. You won't be missing out on anything by not entertaining these men.

And while I don't consider not having had a serious relationship to be a red flag in itself please also remember that it is not your responsibility to put all your potential flaws on full display for a man to pick through and ponder over. Protect yourself, you owe him nothing.

[–]43rdaccount1 point 5 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

[–]MistressSelkie6 points 5 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

[–]throwaway230043453 points 5 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

[–]questionasker0122 points 5 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

[–]throwaway230043453 points 5 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

[–]Hhjjuuy2 points 5 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

[–]questionasker0121 point 5 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

[–]MistressSelkie2 points 5 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

I’m not saying that you should overshare or answer by telling him the details of your past, I just don’t think that the question automatically has predatory intentions like a lot of commenters seem to. Asking about past relationships when gauging someone’s feelings towards dating and if they want a relationship is pretty common. Many people will say that they want one thing, but once you get them on the topic of relationships they make it clear that they want something completely different.

If you feel like in your situation he is asking for information to use against you or that he is asking for inappropriate reasons you should block him and move on.

You are at an age where a lot of women have gone on dates but not been in a serious relationship. Either having situationships or dating high school/college boyfriends that may have been long term but were obviously not serious. I would just say something like “Everything feels serious when you’re young but now that I have an adult perspective and know more about what I’m looking for”.

[–]throwaway2300434514 points 5 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link