Stats: been at this (9) months, lifts in last OYS. Read 90% of sidebar. Would appreciate feedback on a recent issue.

My wife has been vocal lately about feeling less than me or that she is subordinate to me, complaining often about how she does not feel valued or good enough. I see it in the way she acts as she is not opening up and is actually closing off more as I progress lately. Truth is I have closed off somewhat emotionally to focus on myself but I’ve also been explicit to a fault several times the past few months about areas that I am concerned she is not bringing value to my life. For example, I’ve tasked her many times with cooking dinner (I often make bfast during the week for all and cook on weekends, because I enjoy doing it) and frequently she finds excuses not to cook dinner. A few times I’ve noted “I asked you previously to make dinner, I don’t ask much (she’s a SAHM with one kid at home) and you haven’t done it.” But for the last few weeks, I’ve stopped asking or stating anything about it as I see being explicit is not working in my situation.

Early this week one of our boys was sent home from school because of something he did. I discussed with him at length the seriousness of what he did and informed him there would be no screens for the week as a result. The next few days he really turned it around and even superseded other areas in his life with notable improvements in attitude and accomplishing his tasks. So last night I told him he could have his Nintendo back early because of his huge work and improvement that I noticed.

My wife overhears this and states that “dad is being nice but we previously decided there would be no screens for the week.” Kid is now confused and upset. I then state that “I decided that I was ending it early” and walked away. She then pulls me aside and pleads with me to get on the same page with him not having the Nintendo for the rest of the week. I said, “no, I decided it was ending early” and started to walk away. She’s now pulling at me and is begging at this point to “please do not undermine me, I need us to get on the same page.” I could see she was desperate for me to agree with her. But I simply reiterated again that “no, I made my decision” and walked off. I left a half hour later to do some previously planned shopping. That night she insulted me and threatened divorce and all kinds of mouth shit which I ignored and went to bed.

This AM she awoke and made a shitty comment and again insulted me. I said “it sounds like you’re upset about something.” She said “yes”, and continued to insult me. I listed then calmly said, “I can’t help you when you insult me.”

I didn’t want this shit going on for another few days and was also doubting myself in how I handled the situation the night before. So later this AM I pulled her aside and said “look, one of the things I admire about you is your ability to often take the high road. I’ve thought about last night and decided I could have handled the situation better and found a solution that worked for all of us. So, I regret that I didn’t do that.” She then explained how she feels undermined like I’m bossing her around, that she talks about this in therapy ever week, then and walked off. I left and went about my day and she is still huffing and puffing and bitching about everything. Oh well.

I would appreciate insight on how I could’ve handled this better? My thought was I needed to lead her out of her shitty mood and also that I could have truly led the decision on the Nintendo like a better captain. For example, I could have discussed with her in a way that led to us coming back to our son on the issue as a team and made her feel valued but at the time I didn’t want to placate her (my ego at work). I now feel this is such a small issue and I need to save boundaries for serious matters and not be so inflexible and such a hard ass with her on something I really don’t care about. I was more concerned in the moment with making sure I was “in charge” and I see now how f’n stupid that sounds.