Coming after trip

Countpudyoola · 2016-11-18T16:26:13+00:00

This is actually a good thing as she is certainly looking to you for leadership.

The problem is you're attacking the problem after the fact.

You need game plans and contingencies for your absences.

You need to prep the kids that if they treat her like the substitute when you're out of town there are going to be real concrete consequences when you get back.

Start coming up with recent scenarios and go over them with her. Have avenues of communication when she needs them with you, but plans she can fall back on when she can't.

Later I'd worry about having boundaries for what is and isn't worthy of your immediate attention. But I imagine if you set her up to WIN not FAIL every time you leave that type of shit should fall off.

I'll add that sex is completely off the table until she gets her wits back.

Who does that help? You seem to have left the boat and she freaked without leadership or plan. Now you're going to "punish" her for that? Hint: it's not really punishment for her.

And ounce of prevention here... worth 20 times the bandage you have to put on afterwards.

EDIT: I'd actually add a little comfort here (as you killed some of it) by broaching the plans conversation with. "Hey, I feel like when I leave I also leave you without help you need so I have some ideas to improve the situation and make things more stable for my trips. I can tell you stress out. Here's some things we can do when I'm gone..."

pikadildo · 2016-11-18T16:35:58+00:00

My wife has real frame issues with our daughters. I really haven't found a way to get through to her that her gigantic DEERs at a 7 year old and escalating to yelling before enforcing boundaries isn't the answer. She says the right things when I talk to her about it but she just doesn't get it yet that she's making herself miserable because of this crud.

Bread_Pilled · 2016-11-18T16:57:35+00:00

Absence has two consequences: First, scarcity allows the spouse to learn what value you add to her life in very real terms. Second, that scarcity can add stress to the spouse as she is now responsible for doing the work of two people.

Leaders anticipate issues and address them before they become problems. The spouse was unable to adequately address the needs of the house in your absence. You've known this was the case. Hence, the short term solution should have to tackle the issue upfront before you leave, just as you did by hiring a cleaning service:

Do you foresee the children's conduct being problematic? Then provide the young ones with incentives for good behavior and real consequences for poor behavior. Plan activities for them to attend.

Does the pet overwhelm your spouse? Perhaps arrangements to board the animal should have been made, or work with your children to help care for it?

Is preparing meals a problem for your spouse when you are gone? Perhaps you and your spouse should shop in advance and try to prep what you can before you depart. Meals that are frozen and just require reheating at a later date are easier.

Of course, the failure has already occurred with this trip. The anxiety has already been amped up during your absence. The solution to this would be to simply provide a calming authoritative presence when you return, and make adequate preparations for your next venture out of town.

RuleZeroDAD · 2016-11-18T17:41:37+00:00

What's the best way to respond to complaining texts when I'm out of town and unavailable to do anything?

"There is nothing I can do about it now. Do your best and I'll see you when I get home."

No coaching, engaging in guilt trips or DEERing why the family needs cash when asked questions about the circumstances of your absence. Travel is part of your job.

what's the best way For me to get things back to normal quickly. Usually when I come home after a longer trip, it can take days for her to get back to normal. I'll add that sex is completely off the table until she gets her wits back.

Start getting ahead of the household tasks. Even when away, there is no excuse for you not to know the schedule of your household. It also helps when she calls on Thursday about not being able to get to the floors, when you can tell her definitively that help is scheduled for Friday. When you get back, take stock of what has or hasn't been done and correct. I've bought groceries at midnight to make sure my home works well in anticipation for three upcoming days of scheduled hell. It doesn't make you a beta fag to do domestic things for your own happiness.

What's the best way for a captain to come back home after an absence?

Genuinely happy to see his wife and children, and ready to continue providing value to his family. Help get everything in order for the next day and reconnect with your SO as soon as appropriate without the kids.

InChargeMan · 2016-11-18T18:11:18+00:00

I work full time++ and do most of the child care. SAHM should be built for this. You need to guide her on how to be successful.

stonepimpletilists · 2016-11-18T18:46:10+00:00

Guys deploy for 7 - 12 months at a time. Their wives have to figure it out. Give her the tools to succeed.

I get the pride in the house falling apart if you're gone for a week, but at this point, normal for you needs to be a woman who can handle shit. Make sure you can, then show her how to do it.

Oh, and when you get home, don't go all rambo, ease back into being the patriarch, because that won't go well

screechhater · 2016-11-20T01:42:27+00:00

"I'll add that sex is completely off the table until she gets her wits back."

Why ? Because you don't escalate or you don't think she wants sex ?

Put the mother fucking dog in a god damned kennel.

redmountainpill · 2016-11-21T15:34:18+00:00

I'm going to echo the guys who say that she is a full-grown adult. If she can't handle the kids for a few days by herself, she needs to get a job and farm out the childcare to a nanny. You got a cleaning service, for christ's sake. It's not your job to hold her hand and show her how to do her job

red_blue_and_hot · 2016-11-18T17:43:14+00:00

Also, you probably added to her stress with the cleaning service, rather than removing it.

Social presentation is very important to women, even presentation to a housecleaner she might see only once in her life. She doesn't want the cleaners to think she's dirty, so of course, she has to have the house clean before the cleaning service arrives. (Yes, not logical. That's why she's the woman and you are not) Given that, arranging a cleaning service while you are gone means you've put an artificial deadline and more requirements on her, whereas otherwise maybe you come home to a less stressed wife and happier kids in a bit more messy house.

Title	Coming after trip
Author	ProbablyAMonkey
Upvotes	3
Comments	26
Date	November 18, 2016 4:12 PM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askMRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/5dn75f/coming_after_trip/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askMRP/coming-after-trip.206857 https://theredarchive.com/post/206857

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