Dealing with Illness and difficulty keeping focus.

logger1234 · 2017-03-01T19:18:21+00:00

"I know you can't really map medical issues, but I think things would have been better If I could have pulled my head out of my ass a lot sooner. "

Interesting data point for you.

I have a relative who worked in a mental hospital for the criminally insane. No really. He gave me two examples of crazy.

The first kind were the people with odd whirres, clicks, sounds, jerky body motions, etc. You do that on the outside as a pan-handler, and the only people who will approach you are the bleeding-hearts who are likely to give you money. In other words, the behavior is REWARDED.

In the state hosptial, you do that stuff, you get beat up. A lot.

Amazingly enough, these "insane" people with these "unstoppable" tics suddenly stopped in response to stimulus in the hospital.

Then you have the other kind - the strong delusions. One dude believed he was queen of England. Now, I ask you - would you RATHER believe you were a guilty prisoner in a insane hospital for criminals - or would you RATHER believe you were the queen of england? He /preferred/ that reality.

My point: Yeah, maybe my spouse has a little BPD. Fine. AS a bluepiller for like, over a decade, I gave her a positive reward by hiding and cringing whenever she was cranky, and giving in. I fed the beast. I made it worse.

I suspect that many of your wife's problems, such as "anxiety, depression, ocd." are similar. She is "down", and you reward her by taking care of her ... what incentive does she have to get well?

A MAP plus letting her solve her own problems while you are the Oak might not solve it, but it can help.

On the other hand, there may be things like paranoia that a different. To a depressed and paranoid person, when you are dressing better, stepping out on the town, getting in shape, etc, well, you are ALREADY cheating on them, they KNOW it, and they hate you for it. Even if it isn't true.

As the old saying goes, MRP can save the man. No promises on the marriage. Don't run a MAP as a giant covert contract.

redmountainpill · 2017-03-01T19:00:08+00:00

Man that's tough. You deserve to have the life you work toward. Sickness or not. What you decide is up to you. Who cares what society says you should do. Are you truly owning your shit? Has she had an opportunity to be a productive member of the family, yet refuses to engage in reality? I mean-- not showering?

Sick or healthy, people have the capacity to make choices. My feeling is that you'd love to make a life with your wife, as long as she makes and effort to be sweet and loving. She can't control her MS flare ups. But she can control how she acts and copes.

You have the responsibility of being the best man you can be. Of being a masculine beacon shining on a hill. It does not have to include being a caretaker unless that's part of your mission.

InChargeMan · 2017-03-01T19:55:24+00:00

You only live ONCE. You are literally half way done, but realistically your 2/3 way done your "fun" years (20 - 60). You will get no bonus points for your troubles.

My suggestion would be to continue to be supportive of her if that makes you feel good, but also be frank with her that this isn't where you wanted your life to be, so you are going to take control of what you can to improve it. Maybe that means that you continue to help support her (since she is your wife and mother of your kids), but make it clear that you will also be seeking other relationships and experiences like you deserve. Misery loves company, she will try to guilt you, you need to be strong and don't budge 1 inch. It is unfortunate she is sick, but you are not sick. I feel bad when my wife gets a cold, but I try to avoid catching it. Why would you voluntarily "infect" your life with her illnesses second hand?

It might seem cold, but it is the truth. You get one life, don't waste it.

RBuddDwyer · 2017-03-01T20:27:27+00:00

My wife has been dealing with mental issues.. anxiety, depression, ocd. etc for most of our 17 years. She's been in the hospital for it at least three times.

Assuming this is legit (as women are really good at working themselves up into any number of disorders), then you are not going to be able to fix this. You have to make the decision for yourself about whether you want to keep living like this, or leave her and move on with your life. As far as kids go, keep this in mind: by staying with her and tolerating this behavior, what example are you setting for your kids? That it's okay to be a doormat? That it's okay to wallow in misery and melancholy rather than do what you need to do to live your life? Think about that long and hard.

UEMcGill · 2017-03-01T19:06:57+00:00

There are always two fucked up people in a fucked up relationship. People coping with mental illness tend to end up in co-dependent relationships. It starts out as mild at first, from a simple "just love me for who I am" to becoming full out insidious, "Shhh, everyone quiet because mommy is sleeping in room because she's had a bad day."

Often nice guys are perfect for these kinds of relationships; Captain Sav A ho runs deep. But captain sav-a-ho's often want to fix a woman because they are avoiding fixing themselves. You need to look deep, and find out what it is in your life that you fear facing.

Caretaker versus caregiver is the term you should google. It's ok to hold people with mental illness accountable for their own recovery. You wouldn't let her avoid the doctor because of a lump on her breast, so don't let her avoid the doctor when it comes to her mental health. Often you have to manage these with more than one approach, say cognitive behavior therapy and medication.

Your a caretaker when she tells you things like, "I don't have time to go..." or "It costs too much". You're a caregiver when you say things like, "I don't know what the fix is, or if you can ever get there, but I'm here to help"

You need to get to the point where you can honestly say, "I will give you what you need" with no expectation of anything in return. That starts with fixing what is broken with you.

Griever114 · 2017-03-01T19:43:44+00:00

At the end of the day, EVERY HUMAN is responsible for their life choices. YOU are accountable for everything in your life. She is making a choice to wallow in misery and it is bringing you down. I mean, she doesnt even shower? Da fuck?

What is she bringing to your life? Be honest.

mtdog · 2017-03-01T21:02:58+00:00

Pretend your wife doesn't have MS. What would you do then?

There's your answer.

Westernhagen · 2017-03-01T21:43:48+00:00

Lot easier to decide if you didn't have kids. Questions:

if you divorce her, will she fight you for custody?
do you actually want custody?
how much do you care if, in the future, your kids judge you harshly: "you abandoned mom just because she was sick"? (For me, ZFG if anyone else but my kids judged me harshly in that situation, but you might care.)
does she have a job now or is she a SAHM? If she is a SAHM and you get custody, what will the child care arrangement be (other than "expensive")?

What you should expect from someone with a serious chronic illness is, more often than not, anger, frustration, petulance, self-absorption, constant bitching demanding complaining blaming and criticizing. This is why divorce is very common in these cases. Just sayin'

drty_pr · 2017-03-02T02:09:44+00:00

We don't judge people for being "that guy". In fact, we hope to become someone who has 0 carez of being "that guy" if need be.

Alfre9D · 2017-03-01T18:46:26+00:00

I am new to MRP and maybe this comment won't help you, but for what its worth: Don't be a dick !

Sickness can happen to any of us, and god knows where the world would be if everyone only cared for himself. She has been your wife for 17 years, that's got to mean something.

My point is, MRP is good, being selfish is good, but there is a limit and if I were you this is where I'd drew the line.

Title	Dealing with Illness and difficulty keeping focus.
Author	eyeamamess
Upvotes	6
Comments	19
Date	March 1, 2017 6:17 PM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askMRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/5wxnz2/dealing_with_illness_and_difficulty_keeping_focus/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askMRP/dealing-with-illness-and-difficulty-keeping-focus.206473 https://theredarchive.com/post/206473

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