I'll try to be succinct. BLUF: as I see it the main theme is the balance between stfu and gtfo vs. assertive and positive reinforcement.

I have been working on stfu and basing my actions in rationality not ego lately. my biggest issue has been engaging with her instead of walking away. i have been doing great with that and have been manifesting indifference to her harping. in fact, it really has been restoring baseline to the relationship much more rapidly. however, I have been feeling that I'm now at risk of not appearing assertive.

to give an example wife was working late last night so I was picked up the kids. I got busy making dinner and doing baths and my phone was on silent. my wife sent me progressively angrier texts that she was expecting a check in. I noticed she was calling so I picked it up and basically she bitched me out in explicit terms and hung up on me. a few months ago I would have called her back, told her that's bullshit communication probably called her a bitch and we would have had a back and forth. (I should have given her a check in that boys are fine, since it was a new daycare situ for the baby - but I dropped the ball. fine. that's still not how you address this with me). so I wasn't even riled. I was just like whatever. She comes home and I act like nothing happens. works like a charm. a little bit in she starts lecturing me on her expectations and why I'm fucked up, but she softens it to basically can you just be more conscientious bla bla bla. I just say ok. her: "are you going to apologize"? me: short stare with my head angled down and an amused mastery "you should recalculate that expectation" kind of look. baseline restored for the moment but she is still on this warpath kind of setting where I know she is going to be back in bitchmode again soon.

dealing with her in this manner I am trying to get to a point where her disrespect seems ridiculous even to her. I fog, use AM, and I don't deer. I've been letting her get worked up just to practice keeping frame too. generally good developments. now however, I am trying to figure out how to effectively apply consequences to her disrespectful behavior which takes us to this morning.

I've worked the last 11 days about 10 hours a day, closed a real estate deal on the side. been feeling good but oh so tired. a few days ago she informs me that today (Saturday and my first day off in a long while) that I would be on my own with both boys (6years and 20months) for the 6yos soccer game because she had a brunch with friends. we would all go to soccer, but take two cars and she would leave shortly after getting there. I didn't mind at all. I enjoy my time with the boys, but I did in my mind believe it to be somewhat selfish of her, but she is busy too and I don't mind taking extra burden so she can have a good time and relax.

but this morning while I am getting the boys ready, serving breakfast, dressing them packing a baby backpack, she is just doing her makeup. at 6 minutes until we are supposed to be there (the place is ten minutes away) I tell the 6yo get in my car and I pick up the toddler and I tell my wife to meet us there. She yells wait I need to do their hair. I say no, we have to go now, and tell the older boy to get into the car. I could have waited 3 minutes for her to do their hair, but then she would want something else and something else, and make a fuss over driving arrangements, we'd be 15-20 minutes late, and I would lose the frame. so she explodes and starting yelling at me using the f-bomb and other profanities right in front of the boys. I calmly put down the babybag and the baby, walk to my car and leave. im sitting in my car in the mall parking lot now writing this. I'm going to see Dunkirk, walk around the mall, relax and maybe shop. She now has to take the boys to soccer by herself and misses her brunch because she can't take the boys to her girls brunch. checkmate. I blocked her number because I don't want to be subject to profane text messages for the next 8 hours until I am home. she's certain to be mad at me all weekend and not take any responsibility. I plan on doing the same thing tomorrow if she can't keep from disrespecting me. if she is nice then I'll act like nothing happened. I don't mind missing the soccer game I've been pickup, dinner and bedtime guy most of the last week so I've had lots of fun guy time w boys.

Any more info required? How does this strategy seem to you folks? How do I best capitalize on this, and how to I get her out of bitch mode from this, and quickly back to baseline? when we are at baseline she finds me attractive, she is supportive and fun, and she does not often initiate sex but almost never shuts down my initiations. I think her warpath/bitchmode frequency is being increased by her using chantix. kind of like pregnancy. thanks,

***edit: wow. great example of why this is a useful group. I really got a perspective check. blind foolishness to place teaching my wife a lesson over executing the mission. lost frame, probably no net benefit, and actually set me backwards some. thanks all for the perspective check.